Let's Read Homestuck!
by musicalBlink
Summary: Everyone in the Homestuck fandom should read or at least attempt to read the comic itself. So, if you need a nice, convenient place where you can see a decent chunk of the text at once to avoid loading thousands of pages with awful internet, this is what you're looking for. OBVIOUSLY I don't own any of this. Triggers: It's Homestuck, people. It's ALL of the triggers. ALL OF THEM.
1. Chapter 1

**((EDIT: I fixed the spacing. I'm honestly not sure what happened. I took quite a lot of time to make the spacing just right beforehand...))**

**((I think it's pretty ridiculous that so many people in this fandom are not caught up with Homestuck or just aren't planning to read it at all. So, if you're reasoning is similar to mine- shitty internet connection loading the pages slower than you read them- then this should help a lot. I literally own NONE of this at all. It's all Hussie's.)) **

Homestuck

A young man stands in his bedroom. It just so happens that today, the 13th of April, is this young man's birthday. Though it was thirteen years ago he was given life, it is only today he will be given a name! What will the name of this young man be?

Enter name.

ZOOSMELL POOPLORD. TRY AGAIN, SMARTASS.

Try again.

JOHN EGBERT

Examine room.

Your name is JOHN. As was previously mentioned it is your BIRTHDAY. A number of CAKES are scattered about your room. You have a variety of INTERESTS. You have a passion for REALLY TERRIBLE MOVIES. You like to program computers but you are NOT VERY GOOD AT IT. You have a fondness for PARANORMAL LORE, and are an aspiring AMATEUR MAGICIAN. You also like to play GAMES sometimes.

What will you do?

John: Quickly retrieve arms from drawer.

Your ARMS are in your MAGIC CHEST, pooplord!

Remove CAKE from MAGIC CHEST.

Out of sympathy for John's perceived lack of arms, you pick up the CAKE for him and put it on his BED.

John: Quickly retrieve arms from MAGIC CHEST.

You retrieve your FAKE ARMS from the chest. You use these for HILARIOUS ANTICS. You CAPTCHALOGUE them in your SYLLADEX. You have no idea what that actually means though. There are other items in the chest.

John: Examine contents of chest.

In here you keep an array of humorous and mystical ARTIFACTS, each one a devastating weapon in the hands of a SKILLED MAGICIAN or a CUNNING PRANKSTER. You are neither of these things. Among the ARTIFACTS are: TWO (2) FAKE ARMS [CURRENTLY CAPTCHALOGUED IN YOUR SYLLADEX], ONE (1) PAIR OF TRICK HANDCUFFS, ONE (1) STUNT SWORD, ONE (1) MAGICIAN'S HAT, ONE (1) PAIR OF BEAGLE PUSS GLASSES, SEVERAL (~) SMOKE PELLETS, SEVERAL (~) BLOOD CAPSULES, and ONE (1) COPY OF COLONEL SASSACRE'S DAUNTING TEXT OF MAGICAL FRIVOLITY AND PRACTICAL JAPERY, and ONE (1) COPY OF HARRY ANDERSON'S "WISE GUY", BY MIKE CAVENEY.

Some of this stuff may come in handy at some point. For now, you decide to just take the SMOKE PELLETS.

John: Captchalogue smoke pellets.

You stow the SMOKE PELLETS on one of your CAPTCHALOGUE CARDS in your SYLLADEX.

You still aren't totally sure what that means, but you are starting to get the hang of the vernacular at least. You have two empty CAPTCHALOGUE CARDS remaining.

John: Equip fake arms.

You aren't totally sure if "EQUIP" is a verb copasetic with the abstract behavioral medium in which you dwell, but you give it a try anyway. Unfortunately, you cannot access the FAKE ARMS! Their card is underneath the one you just used to captchalogue the SMOKE PELLETS. You will have to use the pellets first in order to access the arms. But this is probably unadvisable, since you'd just make your room lousy with smoke! Your SYLLADEX'S FETCH MODUS is currently dictated by the logic of a STACK DATA STRUCTURE. You were never all that great with data structures and you find the concept puzzling and mildly irritating. But with any hope, perhaps you will advance new, more practical FETCH MODI for your SYLLADEX with a little more experience.

John: Examine Problem Sleuth Poster.

Is it even possible to get any more hard boiled than that? You really doubt it. This poster was one of your wisest purchases. There is a nice spot on the wall next to it. You've been meaning to hang another poster there soon.

John: Read note on drawer.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SON. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU." This note is rich with the aromas of FATHERLY AFTERSHAVES AND COLOGNES. Beside the note is a ROLLED UP POSTER.

John: Take poster.

Another BIRTHDAY ARTIFACT. You wonder what is printed on the poster. You'll need some way to hang it on your wall.

John: Acquire hammer and nails.

They will come in handy. You first place the HAMMER into your SYLLADEX. But now all of your CAPTCHALOGUE CARDS are full. You wonder what will happen if you try to take the NAILS? You guess it doesn't hurt to try.

John: Take nails.

You captchalogue FOUR (4) NAILS into the top card, and push all the ARTIFACTS down a card. The FAKE ARMS are pushed entirely out of the deck! Oh well. They're probably completely useless anyway. But you probably don't want to do that again, unless you want to drop the SMOKE PELLETS and suffer the consequences. In any case, you now feel like you have gathered enough things to get down to business and do some really important stuff.

The next thing you do will probably be exceptionally meaningful.

John: Squawk like an imbecile and shit on your desk.

This is the dumbest idea you've had in weeks!

STUPID

STUPID

STUPID.

And yet the polished surface of your desk... It beckons.

John: Combine the nails and hammer.

You MERGE the top two cards. The HAMMER and NAILS are now captchalogued on the same card and can be used together.

John: Use hammer/nails on poster.

You use the HAMMER and NAILS card IN CONJUNCTION with the card beneath it.

John: Nail poster to wall.

You use the HAMMER, NAILS, and POSTER on the blank space on the wall. It's glorious. Exactly what you wanted. The old man really came through this time.

John: Examine Con Air poster.

PUT THE BUNNY BACK IN THE BOX.

I SAID, PUT THE BUNNY BACK IN THE BOX.

WHY COULDN'T YOU PUT THE BUNNY BACK IN THE BOX?

John: Examine Deep Impact poster.

Morgan Freeman's genteel, homespun mannerisms were perfect qualities for a president residing over a crisis.

OCEANS RISE. CITIES FALL. HOPE SURVIVES. WOW.

Films about impending apocalypse fascinate you. Plus, a black president? Now you've seen everything!

John: Examine calender.

You've marked your birthday, the 13th of April. Another day you marked was supposed to be the arrival date for the highly touted SBURB BETA LAUNCH. It's been three days already. It's starting to become a sore subject with you.

John: Eat cake.

You are sick to death of cake! You've been eating it all day. And you have no intention of clogging your SYLLADEX with it either. The CAKE stays put for now.

You hear a notice from your COMPUTER.

Someone is messaging you.

John: Examine incoming message.

You pull up to your COMPUTER. This is where you spend most of your time. You decorated your desktop with some rather handsome WALLPAPER which you made yourself. You are really proud of it. Your desktop is also littered with various PROGRAMMING PROJECT FILES. You are so bad at programming sometimes you wonder why you even bother with it. Your PESTERCHUM application is flashing. Someone is trying to get in touch with you.

John: Open Pesterchum.

Only one of your CHUMS is logged in. He's sent you a message.

John: Open message.

- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:13 -

TG: hey so what sort of insane loot did you rake in today

EB: i got a little monsters poster, it's so awesome. i'm going to watch it again today, the applejuice scene was so funny.

TG: oh hell that is such a coincidence i just found an unopened container of apple juice in my closet it is like fucking christmas up in here

EB: ok thats fine, but i just have one question and then a word of caution. have you ever seen a movie called little monsters starring howie mandel and fred savage?

TG: but

TG: the seal on the bottle is unbroken

TG: are you suggesting someone put piss in my apple juice at the factory

EB: all im saying is don't you think monster howie mandel has the power to do something as simple as reseal a bottle?

EB: try using your brain numbnuts.

TG: why did the fat kid or whoever drank it know what piss tasted like

TG: i mean his reaction was nigh instantaneous

EB: it was the 15th day in a row howie mandel peed in his juice.

TG: ok i can accept that

TG: monster B-list celebrity douchebags are cunning and persistent pranksters

TG: also fred savage has a really punchable face TG: but who cares about this lets stop talking about it

TG: did you get the beta yet

EB: no.

EB: did you?

TG: man i got two copies already

TG: but i dont care im not going to play it or anything the game sounds boring

TG: did you see how it got slammed in game bro?

EB: game bro is a joke and we both know it.

TG: yeah

TG: why dont you go check your mail maybe its there now

EB: alright.

John: Look out window.

You see the view of your yard from your window. Hanging from the tree is your TIRE SWING. In a kid's yard, a tree without a tire swing is like a proper gentleman without a monocle. That is to say, HE CAN HARDLY BE CONSIDERED A TERRIBLY PROPER GENTLEMAN AT ALL.

And there beside your driveway is the mailbox.

John: Examine mailbox.

The little red arm-swingy-dealy thing or whatever it is called is flipped up! What the hell is that thing called anyway. You do not have time for these semantics. The red flippy-lever thing means you have new mail. And that means the beta might be here!

John: Go outside and check mailbox.

You are about to hurry down stairs when you hear a car pull into the driveway. It looks like your DAD has returned from the grocery store. Oh great. He is beating you to the mail.

John: Forget it. Check mail later.

If you go down stairs to get it, he will likely monopolize hours of your time. You decide to chill out up here for a while until the dust settles.

Sometimes you feel like you are trapped in this room. Stuck, if you will, in a sense which possibly borders on the titular.

And now your chum is pestering you again. The clockwork of friendship turns ceaselessly, operating the swing-lever dealies of harassment in perpetuity! Whatever. The dude can just hold his damn horses.

John: Examine games on CD rack.

You've put countless manhours into this assortment of quality titles.

John: Read COLLONEL SASSACRE DAUNTING TEXT.

You decide to consult with the Colonel's bottomless wisdom. Good grief this thing is huge. It could kill a cat if you dropped it. But to really dig into this hefty book, you will have to captchalogue it. You are not sure you are ready to logjam your other ARTIFACTS beneath it just yet.

John: Captchalogue fake arms again.

What did you just say? You don't want to clog up your...

Oh, Jesus. In a momentary lapse of concentration, you accidentally captchalogue the arms again.

John: Set Pesterchum status to "bully".

You don't think the situation is quite dire enough to go all the way to "RANCOROUS", but you still feel the PESTERCHUM client should reflect your mood change in some way. "BULLY" will have to do. You guess. This unsurprisingly does nothing whatsoever. Oh, right, you forgot your chum is still pestering you.

John: Answer chum.

TG: is it there

TG: plz say yes

TG: maybe you can play with TT shes been pestering me all day about it

TG: shes mackin on me so hard all the time i start to feel embarrassed for her

TG: i mean not that i can blame her or anything

EB: yes, it is understandable because you are really attractive. i am attracted to you.

TG: thank you

EB: jk haha.

EB: no, i don't have it yet.

EB: my dad has the mail and i guess i have to go get it from him and see if it's there.

EB: and i've been busy spending all afternoon shitting around with my stupid sylladex.

EB: it's so frustrating.

TG: whats your modus

EB: what?

TG: how do you retrieve artifacts from it

EB: oh. like one at a time i guess. and if i put too much in, something falls out.

TG: stack? hahahahahaha

EB: what is yours?

TG: hash map

TG: my bro taught me a few tricks he basically knows everything and is awesome

EB: what the hell is that?

TG: you should probably brush up on your data structures

EB: i guess.

TG: did you at least allocate your strife specibus

EB: no.

TG: it could free up a card for you

TG: plus let you attack stuff whenever things get too hot to handle

TG: which is never

TG: what have you got

EB: well, i've got a hammer but it's trapped under some arms.

TG: wow you really suck at this dont you

TG: just get rid of the arms and then allocate the hammer to the specibus

EB: how?

TG: i dont know just use the arms on any old thing and see if it works

John: Combine fake arms with cake.

You stick the FAKE ARMS in the CAKE on your bed.

This definitely makes the CAKE at least 300% more hilarious. You're sure COLONEL SASSACRE would know the precise index of elevated hilarity.

John: Allocate hammer to strife specibus.

You check the back of your STRIFE SPECIBUS for the KIND ABSTRATUS you have in mind for it.

John: Select "HAMMER".

Your STRIFE SPECIBUS has been ALLOCATED with the HAMMERKIND ABSTRATUS. The HAMMER has been moved from your CAPTCHALOGUE DECK to your STRIFE DECK.

John: Report progress to TG.

EB: ok, i did it.

TG: hammerkind?

EB: yeah.

TG: ok that will be the permanent allocation for your specibus

TG: i guess i should have mentioned that

EB: uh...

TG: hope you like hammers dude!

EB: yeah, that's fine i guess. i can't imagine it's going to be all that relevant.

John: Captchalogue Colonel's big book.

Now that you've got some space in your SYLLADEX to work with, you figure you might as well start squandering it immediately. Ordinarily this ridiculous book would be way too heavy to carry around in any practical way. You guess maybe this is one respect in which the cards present some convenience.

John: Examine GameBro Magazine.

"GAMEBRO

SBURB

Why the "Game of the Year" or whatever isn't as good as some other stuff I like that's better."

John: Read article.

So ok.

SBURB is this game that a lot of cats seem hella pumped of. And this beta is sitting on my desk for review, so I'm like, yeah man I'll write something. But I don't know. I'm like, so this is about houses or some noise? That's fine, I'm sure that's like fucking dynamite in a handbag for some brosephs. But all I'm saying is, when do you get to *thrash* anything? While you're playing house or some shit, are you ever in jeopardy of getting mud on your doll's dress or whatever from busting out, and I quote, "the mad stunts all wicked up-ins"? Know what I'm saying, Bro-Yo Ma? I didn't actually play this game, but I gave it 1.5 hats out of 5 hats to keep it real.

At this point I'd like to give a shout out to my boy Dennis who was over the other day. We were going to chill in front of The Dark Knight and he was so psyched of it y'all. So this one time he was leaning against the screen door and the shit popped open, and the back deck was wet and he slipped down the steps and broke his thumb on the lawn. It wasn't a long fall, but hey I guess a thumb bone wasn't made for supporting the brunt of a huge useless tool against wet grass. We never did watch Dark Knight on account of Ron truck- ing his bawling candy-ass girth to the hospital. But it's cool, I still got another watch in me, Brotel Rwanda. BRO-NOTES: Dennis was so wasted, ha ha. I mean damn.

John: Captchalogue GameBro.

It might come in handy if you ever need something that burns easily.

John: Captchalogue magician's hat.

You expend your final card on the MAGICIAN'S HAT.

John: Get funny glasses too.

You don't have a free card in your SYLLADEX! However, you are able to MERGE the BEAGLE PUSS with the MAGICIAN'S HAT to create a CLEVER DISGUISE.

John: Wear disguise to fool dad.

John? Who is this "John" you speak of? You are quite certain there has never been, nor ever will be...

Yeah, this is a really shitty disguise.

While you are wearing the items, they remain on the card, but it is temporarily removed from the deck, thus freeing up the cards beneath it.

John: Leave room.

You exit into the HALLWAY.

On one wall hangs a picture of a fella who sure knows how to have a laugh, a man after your own heart. You always thought he looked a lot like Michael Cera. But your DAD swears on the many HALLOWED TOMBS of Egypt that it is not. You're not sure about that though.

On the other wall is one of your DAD'S stupid clowns. Or HARLEQUINS, as he is quick to correct anyone who would venture such brazen assumption.

John: Go downstairs.

The accursed odor of fresh baking wafts into your newfound nostrils. Something is brewing in the KITCHEN. It must be the connivings of your arch nemesis, BETTY CROCKER, and the rich, buttery aroma of her plot stinks to high heaven. This mission is going to be more difficult than you imagined.

John: Admire harlequins.

You check out the shelves of FANCIFUL HARLEQUINS.

Look at this fucking garbage. You hate this stuff. Funny is funny, but your DAD sure can be a real cornball. Sometimes at night you pray for burglars.

John: Examine fireplace.

A bright orange flame flickers in the FIREPLACE. It doesn't matter that it's April and not terribly chilly outside. In a home, a FIREPLACE needs a fire, because that's what FIREPLACE is for. A fire BELONGS in a FIREPLACE, dammit, cata(ptcha)gorically, at all times, without exception. As domestic myth of unaccountable origin holds, a home borrows the spirit of the flame for as long as it makes a guest of it, much as the moon takes liberty with the sun's rays.

"The moon's an arrant thief, and her pale fire she snatches from the sun." -Mark Twain

You are almost certain Mark Twain said that.

John: Toss GameBro in the fire.

It doesn't burn as quickly as you hoped.

Each GAMEBRO MAGAZINE is guaranteed to be printed on 40% recycled asbestos. For big ups to Mother Earth, yo.

John: Fondly regard cremation.

You examine the SACRED URN containing your departed NANNA'S ASHES. When your father gives her portrait a wistful glance now and then, you can tell it brings back painful memories.

A tall bookshelf. A ladder. An unabridged COLONEL SASSACRE'S. He never wants to talk about it.

John: Topple urn.

You clumsily mishandle the SACRED URN.

Ash is everywhere. In retrospect, upon mulling cinematic tropes regarding ash-filled urns, this outcome was a virtual certainty. You'd probably better clean it up before DAD finds it.

John: Combine father's pipe with clever disguise.

You think now would be a good time to beef up your CLEVER DISGUISE.

John: Examine oversized gift.

"CHAMP YOU CAN DO ANYTHING IF YOU PUT YOUR MIND TO IT.

I BELIEVE IN YOU."

Contemplating what could be inside this package is sort of exciting, but it makes you a little nervous at the same time.

John: Open large present.

((IT'S A LARGE HARLEQUIN DOLL))

Oh hell no.

John: Captchalogue ashes.

First you prop the HARLEQUIN DOLL up on the couch. Having it in the middle of the floor sprawled out all akimbo like that struck you as unseemly.

You captchalogue the ASHES to your available card.

John: Combine ashes with urn.

You merge the SACRED URN with the ASHES. Most of the ASH is back in the URN, but it's a total mess. Really it probably would have been tidier if you just used a broom and dustpan.

John: Put urn back.

No one will be the wiser.

Except maybe for people with eyes.

John: Go get fake arms again.

You just got another BRILLIANT idea for something to do with those pointless arms. You pry them out of the CAKE and captchalogue them.

Looks like PESTERCHUM is acting up again.

John: Check Pesterchum.

Another one of your chums is messaging you.

John: Check message.

TT: I understand you have recently come into possession of the beta release of "The Game of the Year", as featured in respectable periodicals such as GameBro Magazine.

EB: that's an ugly rumor.

EB: whoever told you that is a filthy liar.

EB: and you should probably stop hitting on him all the time or whatever.

TT: I can't control myself.

TT: I must have a weakness for insufferable pricks.

EB: anyway i still haven't checked the mail, my dad has it.

EB: i'm trying to go get it from him, so brb

TT: John.

EB: what?

TT: You're wearing one of your disguises now, aren't you?

TT: You are typing to me right now while wearing something ridiculous.

EB: no, why would you even think that?

EB: that's so stupid.

TT: Ok.

TT: Why don't you go get the game from your father?

EB: alright, wish me luck.

EB: oh, btw...

EB: jk I was wearing a funny disguise this whole time.

EB: gotcha! hehehehe

TT: I know, John.

John: Go back downstairs.

You can now execute that brilliant idea you had. There should be just enough FROSTING on the FAKE ARMS to serve as an adequate adhesive.

John: Attach arms to doll.

Hehehehehehehehe.

You don't care what COLONEL SASSACRE says, that makes it AT LEAST a million percent funnier.

John: Inspect burnt paper on floor.

You put this back in the fire where it belongs.

John: Throw present wrap in fire.

As long as you're cleaning up...

John: Captchalogue doll.

You can carry hefty items, but that thing is just way too big. Get real!

Besides, you don't even want it.

John: Read Colonel Sassacre's text.

You thought about consulting the text to determine exactly how hilarious the doll is now. But this text is way too big to navigate in a timely fashion. You decide to forget it.

John: Find dad and retrieve mail.

The door on the left leads to the KITCHEN, from which the smell of baking wafts - a powerful aroma which could lift an especially portly hobo off his feet. The door on the right leads to the STUDY, where your DAD spends a lot of time. He could be in either room.

Where will you go?

John: Go in the study.

It doesn't look like he's in here right now.

John: Examine father's desk.

On the desk is a DECK OF PLAYING CARDS, one of your DAD'S PIPES, the April issue of THE SERIOUS JESTER magazine, and a stray CAPTCHALOGUE CARD. There is also a CAN OF PEANUTS on the desk.

Ha ha, oh DAD. You won't be falling for THAT one again any time soon. A severe peanut allergy is a terrible affliction to cope with.

John: Upgrade costume with hat from hat rack.

You swap the MAGICIAN'S HAT with the BOWLER HAT.

This disguise is somewhat less funny, but A LOT more distinguished looking.

John: Combine second pipe with clever disguise.

Your DAD maintains numerous pipes around the household. A father without a pipe is like a strapping roughneck without a toothpick. That is to say, HE IS A RATHER PISS-POOR EXCUSE FOR A ROUGHNECK IF YOU ASK ME.

You'd rather not take the PIPE, though. The first one tastes bad enough as it is. How you suffer for your comedy.

John: Examine captchalogue card.

Yes! This will be perfect for expanding the space in your SYLLA...

John: Captchalogue captchalogue card.

ARGH!

[S] John: Play haunting piano refrain.

(Pages including sound will be preceded by [S] in the command.)

**((If you want to listen to this song, search YouTube. I'm sure you can find it.))**

John: Play 52 Pick-Up.

You play the prankster's favorite card game, even though you are alone in the room, thus rendering it an especially foolish version of Solitaire.

SO STUPID.

Look at this mess. The peanut gallery over there sure is getting a kick out of it. You are allergic to their scorn.

John: Attempt to leave the house.

You go back into the LIVING ROOM and contemplate checking the mailbox outside. You think perhaps you should exhaust all possibilities before plunging headlong into a DAD encounter.

Your TELEVISION is currently airing a COMMERCIAL.

John: Exit.

You exit the house.

John: Check mail. Predictably, the mailbox is empty. You have already been scooped by your father.

[S] ==

The streets are empty. Wind skims the voids keeping neighbors apart, as if grazing the hollow of a cut reed, or say, a plundered mailbox. A familiar note is produced. It's the one Desolation plays to keep its instrument in tune. It is your thirteenth birthday, and as with all twelve preceding it, something feels missing from your life. The game presently eluding you is only the latest sleight of hand in the repertoire of an unseen riddler, one to engender a sense not of mirth, but of lack. His coarse schemes are those less of a prankster than a common pickpocket. His riddle is Absence itself. It is a mystery dispersing altogether, like the moon's faint reflection, with even one pebble of inquiry dropped in its black well. It is the most diabolical riddle of all.

"Absence diminishes little passions and increases great ones, as wind extinguishes candles and fans a fire." -Walt Whitman

Yes, you are certain Walt Whitman said that. One hundred percent positive. You have a feeling it's going to be a long day.

**((So, I just decided to put all of John's pointless shitting around in the first chapter so we could get all that outta the way. I'm not so sure that all the chapters will be this ridiculously long. Unless you like this length. Tell me what you think.))**


	2. Chapter 2

**((Keep in mind that if you see == that it's supposed to be an arrow; FanFiction doesn't allow greater/lesser than signs for whatever idiotic reason.))**

John: Leave a surprise for the mailman.

N...

No!

John: See if your father left the mail in the car.

The door is locked and your DAD has the CAR KEYS. You peer in through the driver's side window.

You don't see any mail, but you do see a GREEN PACKAGE. There is also something underneath it that looks like a slip of paper.

Could these items have come in the mail? You don't see anything else that's usually in the mail, like bills and coupons. Maybe your DAD forgot to take this stuff inside.

John: Spy in the kitchen.

You try to get a gander through the KITCHEN WINDOW, but you can't see a whole lot! It seems your DAD has been doing so much baking, the glass has steamed up.

God he is so weird.

But you can see what's on the table just beside the window. It looks like the mail is there! Included among it is a RED PACKAGE, some BILLS, your DAD'S PDA, and an envelope that appears to be suspiciously labeled with the SBURB LOGO. Could it be?

Unfortunately, the window is locked.

John: Go back into the kitchen.

You have no other choice. You are going in.

CLEVER DISGUISE, it's time to work your magic.

[S] John: Enter.

((John's dad is shown holding a birthday cake in front of an oven. He is sporting his trademark fedora and pipe. He's wearing fairly traditional businessman clothes.))

Your DAD sees right through your costume! You don't know what you were even thinking with this foolish ruse!

You unequip the CLEVER DISGUISE. Your DAD wields a dreaded ARTIFACT OF CONFECTION. He stands between you and the mail.

There is only one way to settle this.

[S] STRIFE!

((Daddy Egbert lights up candles on cake. Both of the Egberts take fighting stances and size each other up: John wielding his hammer and Daddy Egbert with his cake. Two options appear for John: "AGGRIEVE" and "ABJURE"))

John: Retrieve the package and abscond to your room!

You cannot ABSCOND! This pesky GUARDIAN is blocking your path! You will need to engineer some sort of distraction.

And now he brandishes yet another ARTIFACT OF CONFECTION! The man is ruthless.

You'd better brace for impact in the most comedically striking fashion possible.

John: Equip disguise for defense.

The BEAGLE AEGIS absorbs the brunt of the treat. Looks like DAD will enjoy the prankster's gambit on that exchange, as is usually the case.

John: Captchalogue pie tin.

You take PIE TIN and unequip the BEAGLE PUSS.

Everything in your SYLLADEX is pushed back a card. The SMOKE PELLETS are ejected from the deck.

Yes! This could be just the distraction you were...

Nothing happens.

What a huge letdown.

John: Take the cake!

"When two great forces oppose each other, the victory will go to the one that knows how to yield." -Oscar Wilde

Wise words by a man who likely could resist everything but temptation.

The CAKE forces COLONEL SASSACRE'S TEXT out of your SYLLADEX.

((Sassacre lands on the smoke pellets causing the room to become lousy with smoke.))

Sassacre you beautiful bastard.

Now's your chance!

John: Abscond.

Now that DAD is busy placating the SMOKE DETECTOR, you can safely sneak away.

John: Take PDA.

You snag your DAD'S PDA. Maybe later you'll switch the background image to something hilarious as a prank. Besides, it may come in handy later.

Your spare CAPTCHALOGUE CARD is forced out of the SYLLADEX, and consequently integrated with the deck. You now have five cards to work with.

John: Take package.

This RED PACKAGE is addressed to you.

John: Take envelope.

((The disguise is sent out of his syladex when he captchalogues the envelope.))

You got the SBURB BETA!

John: Exit kitchen.

((He goes in the living room. The large halequin doll with the fake arms atttached with frosting is still there on the couch. A cake is next to the doll.))

John: Get cake on couch.

You captchalogue the CAKE on the couch, expelling the PIE TIN from the bottom card.

John: Combine the cakes to make a double decker cake.

You then merge the two CAKES across all five cards.

Everything in your SYLLADEX is smushed between the CAKES. Why don't you think these things through first?

John: Retreat upstairs.

You pause at the juncture and head down the hall. You are going to need something to clean up the mess you are about to make by dissecting this CAKE.

To the left is the BATHROOM. To the right is your DAD'S ROOM. It is locked, and you are forbidden from ever entering. He has secrets.

John: Go to bathroom and grab towel.

You enter the BATHROOM. You can see your BACK YARD from the window. The jewel in its crown is the SWING SET which has provided you with years of joy. There is also a SPRING-MOUNTED POGO-RIDE, which has been responsible for more than one painful injury, and has provided you with years of lament.

On the sink is your DAD'S RAZOR. On the rack to the side is a FRESH TOWEL.

John: Remove PDA, envelope, and package from cake.

You take the RAZOR and use it to perform surgery on the CAKE.

You take the TOWEL and clean off the extracted goods.

John: Retrieve items.

The items force the MANHANDLED CAKE into the TOILET.

And just like that, your SYLLADEX is full again. God this thing is annoying.

John: Go to bedroom.

((Speech bubbles indicate that John is being pestered by two people. Otherwise his room has not changed from when we were obnoxiously examining everything.))

John: Admire "Failure to Launch" poster.

You're not usually into chick-flicks, but Matthew McConaughey's cool charisma could salvage any heap of smoldering wreckage.

This is your "McConaughey Wall", a casual shrine to an amazing actor. The film above that one is a lot better, you think. CAN YOU SEE HER? I WANT YOU TO PICTURE THAT LITTLE GIRL. [chokes up] NOW IMAGINE SHE'S WHITE.

You got us Matthew! Your smooth talking exposed our latent racism! Damn you are good!

[S] John: Check Pesterchum.

- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:34 -

GG: hi happy birthday john! 3

GG: helloooooo?

GG: ok i will talk to you later! :D

- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:56 -

- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:40 -

TG: hey GG is looking for you why are you even so popular all of a sudden

TG: is today some sort of special occasion or something

TG: did you do something to curry favor with ladies

TG: did you break your leg on a puppy or some shit

TG: dude what are you doing

- turntechGodhead [TG] is now an idle chum! -

EB: i discovered a comet that is going to destroy the earth, and it was named after me.

EB: now i am famous, and everyone wants to talk to me a lot.

TG: no stop

TG: just no

TG: dont talk about your awful stupid movies or make references to them

TG: your gross man-bro crush on matt macconahay is an unsavory thing to behold

EB: mcconaughey.

TG: sounds like a noise a horse would make

TG: ie dumb

TG: equally dumb are all those pictures of that clown youve got hanging up

EB: those are my dad's.

TG: i was talking about nick cage

EB: oh, what?! no man, cage is sweet. so sweet.

TG: ha ha so lame

TG: you dont even like him ironically or anything this is like for real isnt it

TG: hahaha

EB: i do things ironically sometimes.

EB: what about what i sent you for your birthday?

TG: no those are awesome

EB: what? no, they're stupid, which was the joke. the IRONIC joke. get it?

EB: wait...

EB: you're actually wearing them, aren't you?

TG: im wearing them ironically

TG: because theyre awesome

TG: the fact that theyre ironic makes them awesome

TG: and vice versa

TG: are you taking notes on how to be cool? jesus get a fucking pen

EB: you do realize they touched stiller's weird, sort of gaunt face at some point.

TG: ew yeah

TG: oh well

TG: anyway speaking of which

TG: did you get the mail

EB: yeah.

TG: did there happen to be a package there

EB: yeah, there's a big red one.

TG: you should probably open it

EB: i would, but it's trapped under the sburb beta, so i will probably open it after i install the beta.

TG: oh man the beta came

EB: yeah! wanna play it?

TG: haha no way

EB: why not!

TG: it sounds so HELLS of boring just get TT to play it she is all about that

EB: where'd she go.

TG: her internet is blinking in and out i guess

TG: probably be back online soon

TG: oh and christ in a sidecar are you still using the stack modus?

TG: seriously dude

TG: you need to BONE UP on your data structures that shit is just ridiculous

EB: ok, i will.

John: Open browser and go to mspaintadventures.

You decide to space out on the computer for a while before doing anything important.

You open the TYPHEUS web browser and direct it to what is indisputably the most amazing website ever created.

((The first page of a webcomic on the same website as Homestuck called Midnight Crew appears on the screen.))

The new adventure is ok, but you're not sure if you like it as much as the last one.

John: Install the Sburb beta. You decide it's time for less meta, and more beta.

You insert the CD and install the SBURB BETA.

((A pop-up box appears on his screen labeled as SBURB CLIENT.))

What the fuck is this?

John: Bone up on data structures.

You go to your CLOSET, where you keep a lot of clothes and an array of handy COMPUTER PROGRAMMING GUIDES.

John: Read Data Structures book.

You're not sure you really want to dig into this huge tome. It looks really boring. And kind of ornery.

Maybe you'll just check out that free modus instead.

John: Get free Fetch Modus.

You turn to the back inside cover, where a free FETCH MODUS is included in a plastic sleeve.

This one is dictated by the logic of a QUEUE DATA STRUCTURE, operating on a "First In, First Out" method, rather than a "First In, Last Out" method of a STACK.

John: Apply Fetch Modus to Sylladex.

Items captchalogued in your SYLLADEX are no longer immediately accessible. You can only use the item on the bottom card, and must wait for items on upper cards to be pushed back to it.

For instance, the RED PACKAGE is now inaccessible. You can only use the RAZOR at the moment.

This modus doesn't strike you as a significant upgrade to your previous one. In fact, it almost seems more inconvenient. You figure you might as well give it a chance though.

John: Switch back to Stack Modus.

You suddenly wonder if this is even possible. You don't even remember if you ever had a physical card for the STACK MODUS.

You find this all to be a little abstract and you'd prefer not to think about it too much.

John: Put down razor.

Put it...

Down?

...

You're not quite sure you understand.

John: Pick up two items.

You captchalogue one of the CAKES.

You've finally found a use for all these loitering pastries: DEAD WEIGHT.

John: Get other cake.

The second CAKE causes the RAZOR to launch out the front of your SYLLADEX.

((The razor is lodged into Mcconaughey's face in the "A Time to Kill" poster which is righ above the "Failure to Launch" poster.))

Oh good lord.

THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE.

You wish the RAZOR would have failed to launch.

John: Get more stuff.

You open your MAGIC CHEST and captchalogue one of your favorite books of all time, WISE GUY BY MIKE CAVENEY.

((The fresh towel is ejected from the sylladex.))

There goes the FRESH TOWEL.

John: Might as well grab those cuffs.

You take the TRICK HANDCUFFS, expelling the PDA like a bullet.

((The PDA smashes through the glass window out into the street.))

Oh God damnit.

John: Open up that package!

You examine the package. It is from one of your internet chums.

It's bound in packing tape though. You'll need something sharp to open it.

Ah, of course! The RAZOR! It's all so simple, you wonder why you didn't...

John: Get razor.

((He captchalogues the razor, sending the red package out of his sylladex. The red package hits him on the head. The razor is now unaccessible because he has fetch modus rather than stack modus.))

John: Pick up package again.

((A cake is ejected from his sylladex. It smashes into Mcconaughey's face. Now he is unable to access both of the things he needs: the razor and the red package.))

Let's take this from the top.

John: Captchalogue glass shards.

You take three GLASS SHARDS in quick succession and duck for cover.

((The cake, handcuffs, and joke book go out the window, maximizing the destruction of the window.))

Your SYLLADEX rains devastation on your room from above.

And now that your cards are packed with glass, you probably don't want to do that again any time soon.

((A bunch of John's crap is in the street and front yard.))

You should probably go get that stuff before you forget.

John: Use the razor on the red package.

You open the package. There is something suspicious inside.

Something suspiciously dirty and smelly.

It is a STUFFED BUNNY. Much like the one held hostage briefly by Malkovich's Cyrus "The Virus" while taunting hard-luck protagonist Cameron Poe. And strikingly similar to the one scooped up from the soot of a burning Vegas strip by Cage's Poe and offered to his daughter, a gesture symbolic of a tattered exterior surrounding a heart of gold. Poe wasn't much to look at. But he was a good man.

But no, it is not merely LIKE that bunny. According to this NOTE OF AUTHENTICITY, it is the VERY SAME BUNNY.

This is so awesome.

John: Check status of Sburb beta.

((There are speech bubbles coming from the computer saying that someone is pestering John. there is also a notification from Sburb.))

It looks like your computer is trying to get your attention.

John: Look at monitor.

((The very same pop-up box from before now says: "A SBURB host user is attempting to connect with you. Client has established connection with host. Press [ENTER] when ready.))

John: Check Pesterchum window.

- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:08 -

TT: It looks like you managed to retrieve the beta. Excellent.  
TT: I'm going to try to connect.  
EB: whoa ok but i just got the most awesome present.  
TT: The rabbit?  
EB: SO SWEET.  
TT: I've heard tales of this wretched creature often. Its Homeric legend is practically ensconced in the fold of my personal mythology by now.  
EB: ha ha, what?  
TT: Why don't we focus on the matter at hand?  
EB: oh the game, ok.  
EB: i don't really know how this works. what am i even looking at here?  
TT: You are running the client application. I am running the server, so I am the host user. I have established a connection with you. This is sufficient for us to play the game.  
EB: oh, ok then.  
TT: Why don't we get started?

John: Press [ENTER]

((The loading screen for Sburb appears. An image is above the loading bar. It is a circle with many lines that somehow manage to form a flower/sun-like shape in the middle. Google sburb loading screen to see what it looks like for yourself. It's there; I just checked.))

[S] ==

((Variations of the afore-mentioned design flash on the screen. Sburb shows up on the screen at the last second in green lettering on a black background.))

[Mouseover the interface buttons. -AH]

((There are seven interface buttons labeled: Select, Revise, Deploy, Phernalia Registry, Grist Cache, Explore Atheneum, and Alchemy Excursus.))

TT: Select magic chest.

(("Select" is clicked on by an unseen person, TT. She is able to lift the magic chest in John's room.))

TT: Zoom out.

((A section of the outside of John's house is seen.))

TT: Drop chest.

((The chest is dropped on the roof of the house.))

EB: whoa, what are you doing?  
TT: Sorry. I'm just getting a feel for the controls.  
EB: is my magic chest on the roof now?  
TT: Yes.  
EB: :(  
TT: I will try to be more careful next time.

John: Get the card.

You find your missing STACK FETCH MODUS, and quickly reapply it to your SYLLADEX. You can now opt for either the STACK or QUEUE modus any time.

You toggle between your FETCH MODI with gleeful abandon.

It looks like your DAD is leaving again for more baking supplies. You're relieved to have the house to yourself again, if only for a few minutes.

You just hope he doesn't notice the MAGIC CHEST on the roof. Or all the shit you threw out the window, for that matter.

TT: Select stuff in yard and move it back into room.

EB: hey, do you think you could do me a favor?  
EB: can you grab all that stuff outside my broken window and bring it in for me?  
TT: I'll give it a shot.  
EB: thx!  
TT: No luck.  
TT: It appears to be out of range. I'm guessing it is too far away from you, the "player".  
EB: :C

TT: Select John.

You cannot select a PLAYER!

JOHN abjures the meddlesome cursor.

TT: Select bunny.

((She does so, lifting it in the air.))

TT: Put the bunny back in the box.

((She does so.))

TT: Revise room.

((She expands the room with a rectangle of extra space using the "Revise" button.))

((John's house looks bulky and strange from the outside.))

TT: Open Phernalia Registry.

((She clicks on "Phernalia Registry"and is shown three options: Cruxtruder, Totem Lathe, and Alchemiter.))

TT: Deploy totem lathe.

((She places the Totem Lathe in the revised section of John's room.))

John: Examine Totem Lathe.

You don't know what the heck this thing does, but it looks neat!

TT: Open Grist Cache

TT: It seems expanding the dimensions of your room cost us some "Build Grist".  
TT: But deploying the lathe did not appear to incur any expense.  
TT: It looks like certain objects are freebies, probably to help you set up the game.  
EB: wow, ok.  
EB: what do they do?  
TT: I think it's up to you to find out.  
TT: All I can do is drop stuff in your house, and move it around, apparently.  
EB: how do i move stuff around? it sounds fun!  
TT: I don't think you can as the client. You will need to install the server application.  
TT: You should have received both in separate envelopes. I am running both on my computer right now.  
EB: what?  
TT: Did you get another envelope in the mail?  
EB: no!  
TT: Once you install the server and establish a connection, I'm sure you will be able to manipulate my environment in the same manner.  
TT: Are you sure you didn't get it?  
EB: oh man.  
EB: i think i might know where it is.

((The envelope is underneath a green box in the passenger seat of Daddy Egbert's car.))

TT: Now that your room is bigger, why don't you move to the far corner?  
TT: It will extend the range of the cursor, and I can reach the items.  
TT: Which... you threw out the window for some reason?  
EB: good idea!  
TT: What have you been doing in here all afternoon, anyway?  
EB: ugh, i was fussing with my retarded sylladex.  
EB: but i think i have it under control now.  
EB: what modus do you use?  
TT: I like to use trees.  
EB: oh no, that sounds so awkward.  
TT: It's not exceptionally practical.  
TT: But I think they are elegant.

John: Stand in corner.

((TT brings John's stuff to him.))

TT: Deploy Cruxtruder.

((She puts the cruxtruder in the living room.))

TT: Deploy Alchemiter.

((She places the alchemiter on the balcony.))

EB: why is the floor shaking?  
EB: are you dropping more stuff in my house?  
TT: Yes. Two more large gizmos.  
EB: sweet!  
EB: what is with all these big contraptions?  
TT: If I had to guess, they appear to facilitate a sort of system involving punch card-based alchemy.  
EB: huh.  
EB: to what end?  
EB: i mean what are we supposed to be doing in this game?  
TT: That remains to be seen.  
TT: Maybe you should go investigate?

John: Get PDA.

((On the PDA, Daddy Egbert was in the middle of a conversation about how to clean a tie that was accidentally dunked in coffee. Dramatized boringness ensues.))

You grab the PDA, switching back to STACK MODUS so it is readily accessible.

The interface is oddly sterile. No hilarious clown wallpapers or anything like that. (Oops, you mean harlequin wallpapers.)

The SERIOUS BUSINESS application is open. It seems your DAD uses it to keep tabs on various acquaintances... his fellow street performers, maybe?

You guess the performing arts must be pretty serious business after all.

John: Install Pesterchum.

This should be useful. Now you can keep tabs on your chums while you wander around the house.

John: Go out to balcony.

EB: hey, i'm out on the balcony now.  
EB: i am messaging from my dad's pda.  
TT: The one you threw into the yard?  
EB: no, i am telling you.  
EB: it jumped out of my sylladex like a frightened weasel.  
TT: What were you doing with it in the first place?  
TT: I am not sensing a lot of regard for the personal property of others.  
TT: Is this how your pent-up frustration with your father manifests itself?  
EB: what? no.  
EB: those were all accidents.  
EB: please take your psycho-babblery elsewhere, miss!  
TT: Your bathroom is a mess.  
TT: Did you do that too?  
EB: oh man, see this isn't cool.  
EB: all this snooping nonsense!  
TT: There's a cake in the toilet.  
EB: yes. there is.  
TT: I'm tempted to clean it up for you.  
EB: ok, if that will satisfy your weird ocd complex then go ahead.  
TT: My Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder complex?  
TT: Can a disorder also be a complex?  
EB: in your case, probably!  
TT: Sounds complicated.  
EB: anyway...  
EB: i am going to have a look at this enormous platformy thing you put on the balcony.

John: Examine Alchemiter in a cautious manner.

You have no idea what to do with this thing. You can't find any controls for it.

Having exhausted all other possibilities, you just decide to stand on it.

This isn't very cautious of you, actually.

John: Look through telescope.

It is a clear, sunny day. Nothing out of the ordinary to report. At least, not beyond the walls of your own home.

TT: Grab the soiled toilet.

((Not only does the toilet come up, so does the floor underneath it. A pipe can clearly seen sticking out of the hole in the floor.))

TT: Whoops.  
EB: whoops what?

((She places the toilet in the yard.))

EB: what was that noise?  
EB: is this something i should go investigate?  
TT: No, I have it under control.  
TT: You can keep playing with your telescope.

John: Investigate.

((Water is now gushing from the afore mentioned pipe. The first floor of the house can be seen through the hole. A sledgehammer and captchalogue card are in the room below.))

EB: augh!  
TT: I think I can patch it up.  
TT: Just give me a little space.  
TT: Why don't you go have a look at the Cruxtruder?  
EB: the what?  
TT: The thing I put in your living room.

John: Hop down the hole.

You jump down to the UTILITY ROOM.

John: Get sledgehammer and card.

You take the SLEDGEHAMMER and the CAPTCHALOGUE CARD, combine the two, and quickly apply it to your STRIFE SPECIBUS.

You think it's cool that things don't always have to be a federal fucking issue.

It looks like another one of your chums is pestering you on your PDA.

John: Answer chum.

- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:25 -

GG: john did you get my package?  
EB: oh hey!  
EB: no, not yet.  
GG: darn! are you sure? it was in a green box...  
EB: oh!  
EB: yes, but it is in my dad's car and he is still out at the store.  
EB: he should be back soon.  
GG: great! so what are you up to today?  
EB: i am up to my neck in this sburb stuff.  
EB: TT is making a royal mess of my house.  
GG: lol!  
GG: whats sburb?  
EB: oh, it is this game.  
EB: it's ok i guess. i'm still figuring it out.  
GG: whoa what was that?  
EB: what was what?  
GG: there was a loud noise outside my house!  
GG: it sounded like an explosion!  
EB: wow, really?  
GG: i will go outside and look...  
EB: oh man, alright but be careful, ok?  
GG: i will! :)

- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:28 -

John: Might as well check out the Cruxtruder.

EB: oh hell no, you put this thing in front of the door?  
TT: There's a door there?  
EB: um, YEAH?  
TT: I didn't see it.  
TT: I just thought it fit nicely into that groove.  
EB: you mean you thought it was elegant?  
EB: ok well what do i do with this thing.  
EB: hello?  
EB: what are you doing up there now?

((TT picks up the bathtub and the floor underneath it.))

TT: Oh fuck.

John: Examine wheel on the Cruxtruder.

When you turn the wheel, something seems to be pushing up from underneath the lid.

But you aren't strong enough to make the lid come off!

TT: Put bathtub in driveway.

On the tub's journey to the driveway, the connection is interrupted.

((The bathtub lands at the top of the stairs.))

John: Scold TT.

((John sits (stands?) in the bathtub.))

EB: you can see me, right.  
EB: tell me what is wrong with this picture.  
TT: Sorry. I keep losing the wireless signal.  
TT: Must be the weather.  
TT: I would look for a stronger signal in another part of the house, but I'd rather not risk an encounter with my mother.  
TT: I battled through her cloud of gin and derision once already this evening.  
EB: haha, yeah I hear you.  
TT: Yes. Cake, jesters, unfaltering love and support.  
TT: Quite a road to hoe there.  
TT: Though I suppose I'm complicit for not informing Social Services about your situation.  
EB: i know!  
EB: what about going outside?  
EB: maybe you could catch a neighbor's signal.  
TT: That presents the same problem.  
TT: Also, it's raining, remember?  
TT: And dark.  
EB: It's dark already?  
TT: Yes, the sun has already had its way with us here on the east coast.  
TT: Its lurid glare has moved on to younger timezones.  
EB: haha, um, ok.

John: Hit Cruxtruder with sledgehammer.

((He quickly finds that he isn't really strong enough to pick up the sledgehammer, much less hit the cruxtruder with it.))

TT: Need some help?

((TT hits the cruxtruder with the sledgehammer while John is still holding onto it. A blue flash of light fills the room, then there is nothing but bright, white light.))

((A black, blue, and white version of the loading screen emergews from the now open lid of the cruxtruder. It flashes between the different colors for each part of the design similarly to the loading screen.))

((A timer on the cruxtruder starts to count down.))

EB: what is this thing?  
EB: and what is that clock counting down to?  
TT: I've been looking at the GameFAQ walkthroughs to figure some of this stuff out.  
TT: Hold while I read further.  
EB: ok.  
TT: All of these walkthroughs are extremely short.  
TT: None progress much further than this point.  
EB: weird.  
EB: well, i mean it is a new game.  
TT: True.  
TT: Now that the lid is off, you will need to extrude some "Cruxite".

John: Turn wheel again.

((The flashy thing is not flashy anymore. Ity is mainitaining a blue design with a white background and blue border. A plain, blue cylinder comes out of the cruxtruder. This is the cruxite.))

You extrude ONE (1) CRUXITE DOWEL.

John: Get cruxite.

((John captchalogues the cruxite.))

TT: I feel like we should be hurrying. That countdown is making me nervous.  
TT: John?  
TT: Oh. Your PDA is trapped under the cruxite now, isn't it.  
TT: Anyway, it looks like you are going to need this card too.

TT: Deploy Pre-punched Card.

((She puts the card in front of John. The flashy thing is flashy again.))

John: Get card.

((He captchalogues the card.))

A SHARD OF GLASS is expelled from the deck and maims the HARLEQUIN DOLL.

John: Captchalogue fanciful harlequins.

You take TWO (2) FANCIFUL HARLEQUINS.

The additional useless freight pushes your PDA to the last card. You then switch to the QUEUE MODUS so you can access the PDA.

More glass shrapnel flies from the deck.

((The flashy thing now has a speech bubble with many blue, black, and white squares with various patterns.))

EB: this thing keeps following me around.  
EB: i think it's trying to talk to me or something.  
TT: That is probably the "Kernelsprite".  
TT: It apparently needs to be "prototyped".  
TT: Twice, actually.  
TT: Whatever the hell that means.  
TT: These walkthroughs are horrendously written.  
EB: hmm, ok.  
EB: well, you are the one with the cursor so just do whatever you think is the right thing to do!  
EB: also, fix my bathroom.

TT: Drop maimed harlequin into Kernelsprite.

((An eruption of blue light, then bright, white light comes from the cruxtruder. Again.))

[S] ==

((The Kernelsprite transforms. It appears as the head and single arm of the harlequin doll. The eye has a slash going across it. It is blue, with a blue ring around it.))

The KERNELSPRITE has been prototyped with the HARLEQUIN DOLL.

((The kernelsprite's speech bubble is filled with black, blue, and white designs instead of the square patterns.))

EB: i still can't understand this thing's gobbledygook.  
TT: That was only "Tier One Prototyping".  
TT: There is still another tier to the prototyping process.  
TT: Which for all we know merely advances this entity through increasingly esoteric states of linguistics.  
EB: the clock is ticking.  
EB: we don't have time for this asinine tomfoolery.  
TT: This unmitigated poppycock?  
EB: extravagant hogwash!  
EB: ok stop  
EB: stop typing whatever silly thing you're typing.  
EB: i'm going upstairs to the big platformy thing.  
TT: The alchemiter?  
EB: ?  
TT: Try to learn the lingo.

John: Use pre-punched card with the alchemiter.

There is no slot for a card anywhere to be found on the ALCHEMITER!

The KERNELSPRITE followed you upstairs.

TT: Explore Atheneum.

Acquiring a CRUXITE DOWEL seems to have populated the ATHENEUM with one item: a PERFECTLY GENERIC OBJECT.

John: Captchalogue telescope.

You snatch the TELESCOPE from its TRIPOD. Who knows, it might be useful. But more importantly, it pushes the CRUXITE to the last card making it available for tinkering.

The PDA is predictably jettisoned into the yard, over the neighbor's fence.

John: Put cruxite on weird pattern on alchemiter.

You place the CRUXITE DOWEL on the ALCHEMITER'S small pedestal.

Something is happening...

((An arm-like appendage of the alchemiter uses what appears to be a laser on the cruxite dowel.))

You set the ALCHEMITER to cast THREE (3) PERFECTLY GENERIC OBJECTS for some reason, expending a total of 6 units of BUILD GRIST.

These things look completely useless. What a waste!

Out of the corner of your eye, you notice there's something in the sky.

John: Switch modus and use telescope to inspect sky.

You switch back to STACK MODUS and get a closer look with your TELESCOPE.

Whatever it is, the KERNELSPRITE seems particularly agitated about it.

((What appears to be a shooting star shoots through the sun-lit sky.))

((Zooming in on the "shooting star", we see that it is actually a meteor with a fiery trail behind it. The cruxtruder's timer reaches three minutes.))

You're no astronomer, but its trajectory looks suspiciously head-on with your current perspective.

This is a troubling development.

John: High-five Kernelsprite.

You figure you've left him hanging long enough.

John: Attempt to ingest a unit of build grist.

It is tempting because they strongly resemble Rockin' Blue Raspberry Gushers. However, units of BUILD GRIST are a gaming abstraction and do not seem to exist on the physical plane!

There is apparently no crisis so imminent that will deter you from contemplating idiotic and frivolous actions.

TT: Your dad is getting home.  
TT: John?  
TT: What did you do with your PDA this time?  
TT: I'm working on the bathroom.  
TT: But we are running low on Build Grist.

TT: Revise bathroom.

((She fixs the floor in the bathroom, however the toilet and tub are not in their places as of yet.))

((Daddy Egbert is confounded by: a) the clearly blocked-off door b) the cake-filled toiilet in the yard.))

John: Run to your room and contact TT through Pesterchum.

Two chums have been trying to message you.

John: Answer chums.

TT: I'm working on the bathroom.  
TT: But we are running low on Build Grist.  
EB: oh man who cares about the bathroom, now there's a meteor heading for my house!  
TT: I see.  
TT: Do you suppose it has anything to do with the game?  
EB: i don't know, maybe! what do i do!  
TT: I think it's very likely.  
TT: The walkthroughs vaguely suggest an impending threat before they end.  
TT: The already poorly constructed sentences become even more curt and ambiguous.  
TT: As if written hastily and with a sense of alarm.  
TT: Actually, their dedication to updating the walkthrough under such circumstances is admirable.  
EB: wow, FASCINATING.  
EB: ?  
TT: If the meteor is a game construct, I think the only thing to do is to proceed, and try to solve the dilemma on the game's terms.  
TT: Try using the lathe.  
TT: It says you can use the card on it, but isn't more specific than that.  
EB: ok i'll do that.  
TT: Really, it is a labor to read this drivel.  
TT: If I read any more my brain will need to be spoon-fed from a jar.  
TT: While it blows spit bubbles in a highchair.  
TT: I think I will write my own walkthrough.  
TT: That is, after we make sure you don't die.

- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:34 -

TG: i heard you got the box  
TG: i hope you appreciate my heroic fatherly perseverance in getting it to you  
TG: in my rough and tumble dirty wifebeaterly sort of way  
TG: also i hope you appreciate how many no-talent douches had their mitts on that bunny before you  
TG: its like a grubby baton in some huge douchebag marathon  
TG: hey where are you  
EB: oh man, the bunny was awesome, but i don't have time to talk, i'm playing sburb and it's kind of a nightmare.  
EB: TT is breaking everything in my house.  
TG: dude i told you to steer clear of that game  
TG: and for that matter you should probably wash your hands of flighty broads and their snarky horseshit altogether  
EB: and now there's a meteor coming, and i'm not even joking about that!  
EB: it's like a big asteroid or comet or something.  
EB: in the sky.  
EB: heading right for my house!  
TG: oh man  
TG: how big is it  
EB: i dunno.  
EB: big, i guess.  
EB: i gotta go!  
EB: we'll talk later if i am still alive and the earth isn't blown up.  
TG: like the size of texas  
TG: or just rhode island  
TG: theyre always throwing around these geographical comparisons to give us a sense of scale like it really means anything to us  
TG: but its like it doesnt matter its always just like: WOW THATS PRETTY FUCKING BIG  
TG: like mr president theres a meteor coming sir. oh yeah, how big is it? its the size of texas sir  
TG: OH SHIT  
TG: or, how big is it? its the size of new york city sir  
TG: OH SHIT  
TG: sir im afraid the comet is the size of your moms dick  
TG: OH SNAP  
TG: sir are you familiar with jupiter  
TG: you mean like the planet?  
TG: yeah  
TG: well its that big sir  
TG: hmm that sounds pretty big  
TG: i have a question  
TG: is it jupiter?  
TG: yes sir, earth is literally under seige by planet fucking jupiter  
TG: OH SHIT  
TG: anyway later

John: Use pre-punched card on totem lathe.

You slip the PRE-PUNCHED CARD into a slot on the TOTEM LATHE. Above, the TOOL ARM deploys a configuration of chisels.

Now you just need something to lathe.

John: Take cruxite to totem lathe.

Cursing your lack of foresight, you return to the BALCONY for the CRUXITE DOWEL you left on the pedestal.

You navigate the hallway leery of your DAD, who is presently puzzling over the new fixture in his hallway

((TT removes the cake and puts it on the slime bouncy thing in the yard. She then puts the toilet along with the still-attached flooring in its place in the bathroom.))

The perfect crime.

You retrieved the CRUXITE DOWEL.

DAD just shrugs and heads back downstairs, presumably to do some more baking.

If only he knew you were hard at work saving his ass.

John: Use cruxite dowel on totem lathe.

You clamp the CRUXITE in the lathe.

John: Activate lathe.

((The cruxite rapidly spins as the lathe carves into it.))

The lathe carves ONE (1) TOTEM.

You take the TOTEM.

EB: alright, i used the lathe to make this blue shapey thing.  
EB: now i guess i take it back to the alchemixer again?  
EB: hello?  
- tentacleTherapist [TT] is no longer connected! -  
EB: uh...

((The tub is dropped yet again because of a loss in connection. This time it lands in the hall way, trapping John in his room.))

((The timer on the cruxtruder is at three minutes. John has discovered that he is trapped.))


	3. Chapter 3

A young lady stands in her bedroom. Due to a violent storm, her house has just lost power, along with her wireless internet connection. This has severed her link to a popular video game she was playing with a young man at a critical moment. That young man is relying on this young lady to reestablish a connection somehow. This young lady named...

Named...

It's on the tip of your tongue. What was the name of this young lady again?

Enter name.

"FLIGHTY BROAD"

No, that wasn't it!

One more time.

"ROSE LALONDE"

Examine room.

Your name is ROSE. As was previously mentioned you are without ELECTRICITY, although your LAPTOP COMPUTER still functions on BATTERY POWER. You have a variety of INTERESTS. You have a passion for RATHER OBSCURE LITERATURE. You enjoy creative writing and are SOMEWHAT SECRETIVE ABOUT IT. You have a fondness for the BESTIALLY STRANGE AND FICTITIOUS, and sometimes dabble in PSYCHOANALYSIS. You also like to KNIT, and your room is a BIT OF A MESS. And on occasion, if just the right one strikes your fancy, you like to play VIDEO GAMES with your friends.

What will you do?

Rose: Retrieve arms from the purple box.

The PURPLE PACKAGE'S contents are private! No one is allowed to look inside.

Rose: Writhe like a flagellum and puke on your bed.

Ugh, what a terrible idea! The thought alone makes you sick to your stomach.

Rose: Stroke writing journal and mutter, 'My precious...'

You would only resort to such an embarrassing activity while no one was watching!

These journals are for your eyes only.

Rose: Get violin.

You captchalogue the VIOLIN, storing it the ROOT CARD of your SYLLADEX.

[S] Rose: Play a haunting refrain on the violin.

You waste approximately 40 seconds playing the violin while your friend is in peril.

Nice time management skills there, sweetheart!

John: Tell Liv Tyler you love her before impact.

((John kisses a girl on one of his many posters.))

Since your good for nothing friend is obviously not going to bail you out in time, you issue words of parting fondness to dear, sweet Liv. Oh, if only Affleck could have been the one to make the final sacrifice instead of her stubborn, blue collar, salt-of-the-earth father. Then she would fall into your arms for consolation, and YOU would be the one to make the deceased Bruce Willis proud.

Rose: Captchalogue knitting supply bag.

You get the KNITTING BAG. It occupies the LEFT LEAF CARD under the VIOLIN, per the TREE MODUS'S alphabetical sorting method.

K V.

Rose: Look out window.

Your panoramic window offers a view of your yard below, and the mausoleum housing your dead cat, JASPERS, who died when you were young. Your MOM had the structure erected with a spirit of scornful IRONY in response to your youthfully innocent request to hold a funeral for the animal. At least, that is how you have come to interpret the gesture in retrospect.

You can also make out a silhouette of the LABORATORY next door, a facility which likely broadcasts a strong WIRELESS INTERNET SIGNAL. You may be able to connect to the signal from a different part of the house. Perhaps if you seek higher ground?

Rose: Get laptop.

You take your LAPTOP and prepare to make the journey through the house.

L V. L K.

This causes the tree to be unbalanced, so your SYLLADEX auto-balances itself. Now the LAPTOP occupies the ROOT CARD, while the other two items comprise the LEAVES.

K L. V L.

Rose: Examine book on desk.

"GRIMOIRE FOR SUMMONING THE ZOOLOGICALLY DUBIOUS"

This book is absolutely indispensable for enthusiasts of your ilk. Of which there are very few.

Rose: Take book.

You take the GRIMOIRE.

G L, G K.

Rose: Go explore the house.

You leave your BEDROOM.

Hanging just next to your door in the hallway is a painting of an EXQUISITE WIZARD. Your mother collects these awful things IRONICALLY. She must know how much you detest them, and there is no doubt in your mind she stores these dreadful things in the house to bother you.

Down the hall to the right is the way to the OBSERVATORY. Perhaps you will be able to connect from up there?

Your mother's room is also in that direction. You will have to watch your step.

Rose: Tiptoe to observatory.

You approach a juncture in the hallway. Beyond the juncture is the OBSERVATORY.

((Rose approaches the juncture in the hallway. At the end of the hallway she must pass is a window. Lightning flashes showing the silouhette of a woman holding a glass of some sort.))

Rose: Sneak by.

((She sprints across the juncture. Lightning flashes again, yet there is no sign of the woman from before.))

((Rose stands in front of a door.))

This door leads up to the OBSERVATORY. You haven't ventured up there in quite some time.

Rose: Go through door.

The door opens to an exterior walkway, leading to the observatory entrance.

You've seen less inclement weather before. Oh the things you'll do to help out a friend.

Rose: Hurry up to that observatory.

((She is now in the observatory. There is avery large telescope in the room.))

Rose: Try to connect!

You first put your LAPTOP down on the floor to get it situated.

But removing it from the ROOT CARD causes all the branches and leaves to be severed! Your items are dumped unceremoniously on the floor.

Rose: See what you can observe.

You're in a hurry, sure, but that doesn't mean you can't take moment to peek through the HUGE TELESCOPE.

You find a gap in the clouds. It seems a flurry of smaller METEOROIDS is streaking steadily overhead. You're not sure what this means, but it is somewhat disconcerting.

Rose: Stack laptop on Grimoire to maximize elevation.

You'll need every advantage you can get.

Rose: Access laboratory wifi network.

There are several signals being broadcasted from the LABORATORY, each of relatively decent strength.

One of them is mysteriously and quite conveniently UNSECURED, requiring no password.

You select the signal, and reconnect to the game with John.

((The timer on the cruxtruder is now at thirty-one seconds.))

TT: I'm back.  
EB: hurry up and open my door!  
EB: not that it even matters, i think i'm probably dead no matter what!  
TT: Patience. You still haven't used the new totem.  
EB: ?  
TT: I believe it will create the item on the punch card.  
EB: so what is it, like an apple or something?  
EB: what good will that even do?  
TT: We'll see.  
TT: I've found no evidence that anyone has successfully created the item.  
TT: And the content of the card appears to be variable from session to session.  
TT: In one instance it was described as an "eggy loking thign" [sic].  
EB: do we have enough of those building jewels to make it?  
TT: According to the Atheneum, it is a free item.  
TT: This speaks to its importance, in my view.  
TT: Now off you go.

Rose: Remove door from hinges.

There goes the rest of your BUILD GRIST.

Rose: Put bathtub back.

You probably should have just done this in the first place.

John: Take totem to alchemiter.

Got to get those stupid blocks out of the way first!

The KERNELSPRITE is getting awfully worked up about all this!

Rose: Remove blocks.

You store the PERFECTLY GENERIC OBJECTS in your PHERNALIA REGISTRY, potentially to be deployed at a later time.

((The alchemiter produces a large, blue tree. A blue apple falls from its branches into John's hands. The tree disappears.))

[S] John: Take bite of apple.

((The large meteor from before comes flying in. The cruxtruder timer counts down to zero while various images show up from around John's house such as his dad and a picture from the wall. the meteor appears to hit John's house. Throughout all of this, John is holding the apple.))

END OF ACT 1

((An image of the explosion is shown, then covered with red curtains.))

Years in the future, but not many...

A WAYWARD VAGABOND recors a stuttering step in the sun-bleached dust.

((A wayward vagabond walks throught the desert. He sees something odd buried in the sand. He uncovers it. It, whatever "it" is has the symbol from the loading screen on it.))

**((I know this is a really short chapter for this, but I planned from the very start to end a chapter right here with John being hit by a meteor. So... yeah. You'll probably get another chapter out of me soon anyways.))**


	4. Chapter 4

**(( Guest413 I'm aware that this will take a long time, but I'm still in dire need of motivation to read the comic myself. My one follower and one favoriter (Thanks for that by the way. CX) are my motivation to continue.)) **

ACT 2 ==

Sburb Beta Walkthrough  
Version 1.0, April 13, 2009  
By tentacleTherapist

=============================== TABLE OF CONTENTS ===============================

1. Caveats and Condolences... [0000]  
2. Walkthrough (Incomplete)... [A000]

==================================================================================  
[0000] Caveats and Condolences  
==================================================================================

I'd be inclined to dispense with the trite even under less pressing circumstances.  
Needless to say I'll forego the inscrutable ASCII banner which typically heralds  
the striking freefall of these documents. I'll also resist the urge to brandish any  
copyright marks, or the particular neurosis that concerns itself with the theft of  
the utterly mundane - I'll allow other deranged prospectors to stake claims on  
their worthless plots as the woods burn around them. My introduction will be  
sparse. There will be no majestic prose blustering into the sails of a galleon as  
we embark on this voyage together. Nor will there be any hamfisted prose whipping  
its limbs under a bedsheet like a retarded ghost, for that matter. I won't set the  
stage, or dim the lights. The mood, you will see, will be set soon enough.

Since you are reading this, chances are you have installed this game on your  
computer already. If this is true, like many others, you have just participated in  
bringing about the end of the world.

But don't beat yourself up about it. There was never anything you could have done  
to prevent it. The end is happening right now, as I type, and as you read. I have  
come to understand that we were always doomed through our collective ignorance, and  
now further doomed by those few who know, and struggle to flee. If you're lucky,  
you'll be among the smaller subset of the latter who are successful.

What I mean is, while that game you installed is just one more grinding slab of  
rock sealing our planet's crypt, it is also your only hope to live. I'm presently  
faced with the same conundrum as you, and though I speak with more experience, my  
own outcome is far from assured. I will "play the game", as much of it as there is  
to play, and record my findings here. If you want to live, you will do as I  
instruct.

My condolences.

~TT

[S] ==

((A white silohette of John holding the apple and the kernelsprite on a black background is shown. The screen pans through Daddy Egbert's office, the living room. In Daddy egbert's office, the window darkens. In the living room, the fire goes out. The screen pans through John's room. The wndow darkens to black. White eyes appear under the bed. We see Daddy Egbert in the kitchen, baking a cake. the window on the screen door darkens. White, blinking eyes appear. A black silohuetta of John jolding the apple and the kernelsprite are shown on the balcony. The screen zooms out to show his entire house, which is perched atop the only land remaining. A ways down, dark clouds (smoke?) can be seen rather than the ground.))

The KERNEL divides. The two halves go their separate ways, leaving behind the SPRITE portion.

((The sprite portion is blue. The two halves are black and white. The black portion drifts down into the abyss. The white portion floats up, leaving a trail of blue sburb loading screen designs behind it.))

BOY.

((The remainder of the sprite transforms into what appears to be a ghost version of the harlequin doll.))

What is left of the SPRITE undergoes a mysterious transformation.

For a moment you thought you heard someone say "BOY", as if whispered in the periphery of your awareness.

It was probably just your imagination though.

[S] YOU THERE. BOY.

((I am allowed to move around and click on thing(s) for explanations. I will put any I find below.))

Alchemiter:

The ALCHEMITER created the APPLE, or the tree that sprouted it rather, right on time to save you from destruction. You're not sure if you can say the same for your neighborhood though.

You wonder what happened to your DAD?

Sprite:

It looks different now.

After you bit that APPLE, your whole house seemed to be transported somewhere. Then the APPLE disappeared and the KERNELSPRITE underwent a transformation. Aside from the change in appearance, the transformation doesn't seem to have any relevant ramifications.

You still can't undeerstand a word this idiot says.

Carved cruxite dowel:

It is the piece of CRUXITE you carved with the TOTEM LATHE.

When its contours were scanned, the ALCHEMITER was able to produce that tree. How odd!

Poster of man wearing glasses:

Oh, Michael Cera. Your warm smile is a shining beacon in these dark times.

Cruxtruder lid:

If only putting the lid back on the CRUXTRUDER would undo all it's done. Alas, Pandora's Tube has been opened.

Window:

It's dark out there. Can't see anything for miles.

BOY, QUIT ALL THIS SCURRYING AROUND.

For the last time, this boy's name is John!

FINE. JOHN. RETURN TO YOUR QUARTERS.

((A black sludge is coming from underneath the bed.))

You go back up to your bedroom, tiptoeing around this weird petroleum-based sludge.

NOW JOHN. RESPOND TO YOUR FRIEND UNIT.

TT: John?  
TT: Are you there?  
- tentacleTherapist [TT] is now an idle chum! -  
EB: hey, yeah i'm here!  
EB: and not dead i think.  
TT: I know.  
TT: I've been watching you scramble through the house like a lunatic.  
TT: You should have answered me sooner.  
EB: oh man, sorry, i was looking around for my dad and i can't find him anywhere!  
EB: have you seen him?  
TT: No. I'm sure he'll turn up.  
TT: We have more important things to address right now.  
EB: yeah, like where am i?  
TT: I don't know that either. But I've determined your neighborhood was destroyed by the meteor. Wherever you were transported, it saved you from the impact.  
TT: I've been reading reports in the news. Over the last few days, there have been many smaller meteor collisions with people's homes around the world.  
TT: And they seem to be getting bigger. Yours was the biggest they've identified so far.  
EB: wow, ok.  
EB: so then i guess if this is all the game's doing, then the point is for us to save the world?  
TT: Perhaps.  
EB: then we'd better get moving and figure this game out!  
TT: Yes, but wait.  
TT: We should retrieve your PDA. Yet again.  
TT: It will help to keep tabs on each other while you investigate.  
TT: I think I can get you closer to it, if I can replenish our grist supply somewhat.  
TT: There may be a way to recycle some that we already used.  
EB: ok.  
TT: I'll meet you out on the balcony.  
EB: wait, rose! one thing...  
TT: What?  
EB: you never even wished me a happy birthday!  
EB: um... hello?  
TT: I was working on something to send you, but I was running late with it.  
TT: I didn't want you to think I believed meager well wishes alone would suffice for the occasion.  
TT: That said, happy birthday, John.  
EB: haha, oh jeez, that is silly!  
EB: anyway, thanks!

FIRST, TAKE THE FABRIC ITEM ON THE FLOOR THERE.

The TOWEL? Why?

Oh well, you're the boss. You captchalogue the TOWEL. What now?

DO AS THE PURPLE TEXT SAYS. TO THE BALCONY.

John makes his way to the balcony per your awkwardly-worded request.

WAIT. TAKE THAT. THE BLUE WOBBLY THING.

You whimsically decide to captchalogue the TOTEM which was used to create the APPLE TREE earlier.

JOHN. RECYCLE THE GRIST AS WAS DICTATED BY YOUR COHORT.

John cannot do anything with the GRIST as of this moment! That is up to the Sburb player.

I SEE. ==?

Yes, that will suffice.

Rose deletes the PERFECTLY GENERIC OBJECTS. 6 units of BUILD GRIST are restored to your GRIST CACHE.

Rose expends the GRIST to drag a new plank from the balcony in the direction of the PDA.

((The PDA is on a chunk of land on its own, out of John and Rose's reach.))

JOHN RUN ACROSS PRECARIOUS PLATFORM SWIFTLY.

John isn't sure about that. It's a long way down.

BOY I SAID MAKE HASTE ON THE NARROW CATWALK!

John is very nervous about the idea, and the strident tone of your commands is starting to make him a little upset!

FINE. PROCEED AS YOUR LEVEL OF COMFORT DICTATES.

((He slowly edges out on the plank.))

You cautiously walk within range of the PDA. Rose retrieves it.

NOW TAKE IT.

You grab the PDA, launching one of the HARLEQUIN FIGURINES into the night.

You can kiss that one goodbye.

Just one == command will suffice. Thanks.

It looks like you're not the only one trying to locate your father after the disaster.

((Daddy Egbert's business friends are inquiring after his well-being.))

THESE BORING MEN ARE UNINTERESTING.

TT: John, are you ok?  
TT: You seem a bit tentative.  
EB: i'm fine i guess.  
EB: since i got here i feel compelled to do these weird things i don't really want to do.  
EB: by some kind of voice that i can't really even hear. i don't know, it is hard to explain.  
TT: Perhaps the early symptoms of an anxiety disorder, like post-traumatic stress?  
EB: yeah, maybe. who knows!  
TT: Well, if you can pull yourself together, there are a few more things we should try.  
TT: Like prototyping the Kernelsprite again, if possible.  
TT: We should hurry. My laptop battery won't last forever.  
EB: Ok. I will go back inside.

NO DON'T DO THAT. HOP OFF THIS LEDGE ON TO THAT CAR.

What? No! That sounds incredibly dangerous!

Now you're just being a pest.

Which turnip truck did you just tumble out of, anyway?

Who are you?

Years in the future, but not many...

An unsealed tunnel welcomes hot desert air into its stagnant dephts.

((The thing buried in the sand that the wayward vagabond found was the opening to an undrground room. He/she/it finds an odd computer with four screens. Only one is in use as of right now. The screen shows John holding the apple as well as a picture of John's house after the meteor hit. The wayward vagabond types into the computer "BOY. YOU THERE. BOY."))

==================================================================================  
[A000] An Examination of the Basics  
==================================================================================

Upon connecting with the client user, you, the server user, will be met with a  
control panel allowing you to manipulate your co-player's environment. You will  
find that you are allowed to deploy four items at no expense. Three of these are  
rather large machines, and one is a punch card.

It's quite possible that you have already deployed some of these items before  
reading this. If this is the case, and you have activated the machine called the  
"cruxtruder" such that it displays a countdown, YOU MUST PROCEED TO SECTION [A100]  
OF THIS WALKTHROUGH IMMEDIATELY. The life of the client user depends on it, and if  
your co-player has activated this device in your environment too, then yours does  
as well.

But if not, please refrain from doing anything with the cruxtruder, aside from  
merely deploying it. This will buy us some time to think things through properly,  
and to go over the basics of the game before you find your soft, easily-punctured  
head in the jaws of the lion.

As mentioned, there are four items to consider, each playing a role in a process  
which appears to have a singular purpose: to manufacture objects out of thin air.  
The designers of the game, judging by the language used, regard this process as a  
sort of alchemy. This may allude to complexities in the production process yet to  
present themselves. But for now, the variety of objects you are able to create  
remains quite limited.

The items in question are the CRUXTRUDER (again, tread lightly with this one), the  
TOTEM LATHE, the ALCHEMITER, and the PRE-PUNCHED CARD. I will describe how these  
devices work in conjunction with each other, and I will use the analogy of having a  
key made at a hardware store to help you understand.

First, deploy all of these objects in convenient proximity to each other. Be sure  
not to block doors or pathways with them. You can always "revise" the dimensions of  
rooms to make space for them, but I'd advise against this, or even experimenting  
with the function. Doing so comes at the expense of "build grist", a commodity  
which appears to be at a premium at the onset, and one you'd best be advised to  
save for later.

- THE CRUXTRUDER -

Removing the lid signals the moment your life becomes a great whirling batshit  
pandemonium, somewhat resembling the chaos of an especially ethnic wedding.  
Somewhere, a soused uncle deliberately shatters china on the floor. Muddy livestock  
is decorated, and then lost track of. The question "Who's mule is this?" at times  
can be heard over the din. This is now your reality.

But aside from that, it marks the beginning of the process I am about to describe.  
The countdown begins, yes. Also, an entity called the "Kernelsprite" is released.  
But neither of these things are all that relevant to this process, to my knowledge.  
More on these things later.

What is relevant is the un-lidded cruxtruder's ability to dispense "cruxite  
dowels". It will dispense at least one, though I suspect it is capable of producing  
more, given parameters I'm not yet familiar with. In my key-making analogy, these  
dowels represent the uncarved pieces of metal which the hardware store employee  
retrieves from a drawer or a rack, and sets about carving into a key. The two  
following items are needed to do the carving.

- THE PRE-PUNCHED CARD -

It is a simple sylladex card containing an item. There is evidence to suggest the  
specific item it contains is variable from session-to-session. The card I deployed  
contained a blue apple. Yours may be different. It shouldn't matter, hopefully.

Additionally, the card as you may guess is "punched", like one used with antique  
computing systems. The pattern of holes comprises data, which I believe corresponds  
to the instructions for creating the item the card contains. That it is  
"pre-punched" suggests there is a way to punch an un-punched card, possibly  
imprinting it with the data for the item it contains, though no mechanism for this  
has presented itself yet.

But the data on the card cannot be used to create the item directly. There is a  
middleman. That middleman is the totem lathe.

- THE TOTEM LATHE -

This is essentially the key carving machine. It will carve into your cruxite dowel  
a pattern of grooves and contours, the sort which makes a key unique. The  
instructions for this pattern are supplied by the punch card, which is inserted  
into the lathe pre-activation to configure its chisels.

Once the dowel is carved, you have a totem serving as your "key", which can then be  
used to "unlock" the card item through the alchemiter. But at this point, I will  
diverge from my key-making analogy and switch to a bar code analogy. Which is not a  
terribly strenuous leap to make, since the concepts of a key and a bar code are  
essentially the same—one being a unique pattern of grooves; the other, of  
varying black lines.

- THE ALCHEMITER -

If you place a cruxite dowel, carved or uncarved, on the alchemiter's small  
pedestal, its robotic arm will scan the contours with a laser. Hence the bar code  
analogy. This is the machine's way of reading the data originally imprinted from  
the card, and transforming that data into a physical object.

Though typically, this is not done without expense, I believe. An uncarved dowel  
results in the creation of a "perfectly generic object", which is a seemingly  
useless green cube. It costs two units of build grist to make, and I do not advise  
you to waste resources on it. There appears to be many other varieties of grist,  
ostensibly used in combinations to create different sorts of items, which possibly  
offers some insight into the game's use of the term "alchemy".

But quite conveniently, there is an exception to this. Creating the item on the  
pre-punched card costs nothing. This is good, because creating this item turns out  
to be essential.

Now that you know this, you can in your own time begin the process. Once you  
initiate it, naturally there is no going back, so best to be prepared. But you  
probably shouldn't drag your feet too long. As I mentioned earlier, this is your  
only means of escape.

When you're ready, be prepared to follow the steps in the next section swiftly.

==================================================================================  
[A100] So your cruxtruder is ticking. Do this to live.  
==================================================================================

((Rose peers out one of the many windows of the observatory.))

In the distance, meteorites fall with greater frequency. The fire in the forest burns so hot, not even the rain is putting it out!

Rose: Check status of battery.

((On her screen, she can see John and the sprite in John's kitchen. The black sludge is on the floor and broom. The eyes are peering in from the screen door.))

Your LAPTOP BATTERY is alright for now, but it won't be for long.

If the power in the house doesn't come back on, you can think of one last resort: the small BACKUP GENERATOR stored behind the MAUSOLEUM.

Rose: Prototype sprite with Betty Crocker box.

EB: what? oh man, you're going to use that?  
EB: that sucks, what a stupid idea!  
TT: We have to hurry along. I'm running low on battery power.  
EB: but the cake mix... ugh, that's so dumb.  
TT: I doubt it matters.  
TT: We might as well just use any old crap lying around.  
EB: fine.  
EB: i GUESS.

((The sprite is repeatedly dodging Rose's attempts to prototype it with the cake mix box.))

The SPRITE is playing hard to get! You guess that's what you get for originally prototyping it with something that engenders mischief and pranksterism!

DO THE POTTED VEGETABLE INSTEAD. IT LOOKS DELICIOUS.

Pipe down, you. This is Rose's decision, not yours!

Rose: Prototype sprite with Sassacre text.

EB: OH YES, SWEET!  
EB: now we're talking!  
TT: See if you can distract it.  
TT: I'll try to sneak up on it.

JOHN FLAIL ABOUT IN A DISTRACTING MANNER.

The SPRITE finds the DISTRACTING MANNER in which you FLAIL ABOUT to be rather DISTRACTING.

The pesky SPRITE eludes you again! Not even the great Colonel himself can outfox it!

In narrowly missing with your attempt to create the COLONELSPRITE, you drop the massive tome. The entire house rattles under the astonishing girth of the book.

In the other room, NANNA'S ASHES dump onto the SPRITE, which is caught unawares by the dousing.

INSPECT HAG ASH INCIDENT.

You find the SACRED URN toppled again. This time you're quite sure it wasn't your fault!

The SPRITE is nowhere to be found.

Rose: Remove cruxtruder from doorway.

EB: aw man, where'd it go?  
TT: I can't find it anywhere in the house.  
TT: No time to worry about it.  
TT: The next thing we should do is get your server copy of the game from the car.  
TT: You need to connect to my client, so I can repeat your steps and presumably join you, wherever you are.  
TT: We should do this quickly, before my house burns down.  
EB: what, there's a fire?  
TT: There will be soon.  
EB: oh jeez!  
EB: so move this thing already!  
TT: It looks like it requires a lot of grist to move.  
TT: I don't have enough to relocate the door, either.  
EB: how much do you have?  
TT: Zero.  
EB: oh.  
EB: hmm.  
EB: i thought about jumping to the car from the ledge earlier but that sounds really dangerous!  
TT: I have a better idea.  
TT: Meet me upstairs.

DO AGAIN AS PURPLE WORDS SAY.

You are about to head upstairs, but you thought you heard something behind you.

It was faint, but you could swear it was a small, lighthearted chuckle. Along the lines of a spirited "Hoo-hoo-hoo!"

((The sprite now resembles a cross between a woman and the harlequin doll all with a hint of ghost. It is sneakily going behind John whenever he turns around trying to find her.))

IGNORE THIS WOMAN'S ANTICS.

You're not sure you even saw a woman, let alone any of her hypothetical antics. But whatever it was you might have caught a glimpse of, it sure gave you the willies.

You head upstairs on your way to the balcony. Your PDA is acting up again.

INDULGE THE DEVICE. BUT BE CURT WITH IT.

TG: hey bro check it out im working on some new rhymes  
EB: dude, i don't have time for your nerdy raps!  
TG: come on this is hells of ill just listen  
EB: it sounds like you don't even believe me that i was about to get blown up!  
EB: but i really was, but now im in some weird dimension that sburb sent me to or something.  
EB: and now on top of that i think i'm being haunted by my dead grandma!  
TG: huh  
TG: for real  
EB: yeah, it's true but i'll talk to you later about it!  
TG: i think i could drop some sick rhymes about all this  
EB: man, see i just don't think all the rapping stuff is really as cool as you think it is.  
TG: no thisll be dope check it  
EB: no, i have to go! bye!  
TG: wait wait  
TG: armageddon's gettin waged on us  
TG: but im-a gettin armed and dangerous  
TG: sending men in space for savin us  
TG: see which playa's more couragerous  
TG: ben or bruce? dudes reach a truce  
TG: put their blowchutes to use and up-suck it  
TG: afflecks saclifice, i mean -crifice, would have to sufflice. aw fluck it  
TG: bro be a stained-glass saint, up on a cross gettin hella christ-plagiarous  
TG: bruce's like offa that cruciflix, nuff a this fuckin savior-fuss  
TG: restrained his ass per mclane-redux while buscemi remained derangerous  
TG: when a plan gone astray pays off a wasted craterous  
TG: ash tray caterin to layers of matt maconnaheys vague remainder-dust  
TG: wait  
TG: uh  
TG: macconahey wasnt even in any of those meteor movies was he  
TG: ill have to make a rap about  
TG: i dont know  
TG: morgan freeman or something  
TG: being the president  
TG: itll be called  
TG: "obama made it so that no one gives a shit about black presidents in movies anymore"  
TG: see youve got to fill me in on whats going on  
TG: so i have something to rap about besides all your dumbshit movies

ENOUGH STRANGE POETRY FROM THE RED TEXT.

You head out to the balcony to find out what Rose has in mind. She is messaging you again.

THE PURPLE TEXT IS LESS IRRATIONAL THAN THE RED TEXT.

TT: I'm lifting the car up to the balcony.  
EB: whoa, ok.  
TT: Once it is up, retrieve the game. Then I'll put it back down on the driveway.  
EB: but the door is locked!  
TT: Then break a window.  
EB: but it's my dad's car :(  
TT: It's just a window, and this is sort of an emergency.  
TT: Otherwise I promise I'll handle the car with velvet gloves.  
EB: alright.

Rose: Pick up car.

((She picks up the car, but loses her connection as soon as she picks it up.))

((The car falls into the abyss of nothingness below John's house. John watches in dismay.))

RIDICULOUS FOLLY. INEXCUSABLE.

You're inclined to agree, but hey, accidents happen. You double check your PDA to make sure if Rose is really gone. Indeed this seems to be the case.

TG is still pestering you of course. But another chum is now logged in as well.

WHAT COLOR ARE THE WORDS THAT THIS CHUM SAYS?

GG: im back!  
EB: oh hi!  
GG: i went to investigate the explosion i heard  
EB: was it by any chance a meteor?  
GG: yes!  
GG: how did you know?  
EB: oh man, it's kind of a long story!  
EB: anyway, are you ok? did it blow up your yard or start a fire or anything?  
GG: no i am fine!  
GG: it landed a pretty good ways from my house and i went to look at it  
GG: and its pretty big!  
GG: but bec doesnt want me to go near it  
GG: so i came home  
GG: he seems to think its dangerous!  
EB: well gosh, he's probably right!  
GG: anyway what have you been up to john?  
GG: oh! did you get my package yet? :O  
EB: er...  
EB: yeah, i was trying to get it, but rose dropped my car into a weird spooky bottomless pit and the package was in the car and im really sorry about that.  
GG: oh no!  
EB: wow, ok, i guess i should start at the beginning.  
EB: see, a meteor blew up my neighborhood.  
GG: thats terrible john! im so sorry!  
EB: but i'm ok! and my house is too, sort of.  
EB: that game i was telling you about, sburb which i was playing with rose, sort of transported me somewhere at the last minute.  
EB: but now i'm trapped here and it's weird and dark and i can't find my dad and i just lost the car and my copy of the game in the pit and i think i have to save the world from the apocalypse!  
GG: O_O  
GG: well...  
GG: it sounds really crazy and kind of scary but...  
GG: it also sounds kind of exciting!  
GG: i dont know john maybe this is your destiny  
GG: if anyone can save the world i think it is probably you!  
EB: wow, you think so?  
GG: yes!  
EB: well ok, BUT.  
EB: it's not even that simple!  
EB: i was about to connect to rose to help transport her and save her from meteors and fire and stuff.  
EB: but she lost battery power and i lost the game disc!  
EB: so i think i have to get TG to use his copy to save her!  
EB: but that jackass won't shut up and stop rapping and stuff.  
GG: hahaha  
GG: he is so silly!  
EB: yeah. anyway i should talk to him about it, so brb.

THE GREEN TEXT WAS ATTRACTIVE. NOW VIEW THE RED TEXT AGAIN.

((John appears to be completely flipping his shit while answering his chum.))

TG: when the film crew zooms where the presidents at  
TG: im like if that dudes black ill eat my hat  
TG: turns out he is, so we're all "damn, director's got gumption"  
TG: like we'll all flip our shit he aint shining shoes or somethin  
TG: its called freemancipation. if its not pres-election its god-ascension  
TG: in bruce almighty. whoops, different bruce from the one i just mentioned  
EB: aaaaaarrrgh!  
TG: cant explain to me why this aint condescension to think ill shit a brick  
TG: not even he can convey the intention with his quickspun wit  
TG: rather defray all this tension, sit on his lap while he whittles a splint  
TG: and some guy eyes what he does and patronizes: i guess negrocity's the mother of invention  
EB: stop rapping for a second you horse's ass!  
EB: i have something important to talk about.  
TG: whats up  
EB: rose is in trouble and she needs help. i was going to connect to her with sburb but i lost my copy!  
TG: ok  
EB: also she lost battery power. if she can get back up and running, she'll need someone with the game to get her out of there before her house burns down.  
EB: so i think you should use your copy of the game to help her!  
TG: my copy?  
TG: thats going to be tough  
EB: why?  
TG: i lost it  
TG: its a stupid story and id rather not talk about it  
TG: shit be embarrassing yo  
EB: i thought you said you had two?  
TG: well yeah  
TG: one is my brothers copy  
EB: ok, well get his then!  
TG: alright  
TG: but hes not gonna be happy about that  
EB: whatever.  
EB: also you might want to read rose's walkthrough to get up to speed on this.  
TG: oh man  
EB: what?  
TG: nothing really  
TG: look all im saying is the girl tends to lay it on kinda thick you know?  
EB: /ROLLS EYES

Your ((Rose's)) LAPTOP is out of BATTERY POWER. There's only one thing left to do. Time to make your way to that BACKUP GENERATOR.

Rose: Knit laptop cozy to shield your laptop from the rain.

That would be such a waste of time!

Besides, you already knitted one a while ago. You retrieve it from your KNITTING BAG and apply it to your LAPTOP.

You captchalogue the LAPTOP PLUS COZY.

Rose: Equip grimoire to strife specibus.

That would be incredibly ill-advised!

There are some dark forces you just don't want to mess around with. You understand this better than most.

You put the book down.

Rose: Recaptchalogue your items!

You grab the KNITTING BAG and the GRIMOIRE, in that order. It's always a logistical puzzle with your TREE MODUS.

The tree AUTO-BALANCES, leaving the KNITTING BAG accesible in the ROOT CARD.

Rose: Allocate knitting needles to strife specibus.

You feel a lot more comfortable with this as a weapon. You're so handy with those needles, you feel like you could probably use them to filet a sword fish.

You lose the ROOT CARD in the process, severing the tree.

Hey, careful with all that stuff!

Rose: Knit plush cuddle-cthulhu to soothe nerves.

That would also be a preposterous waste of time!

Besides, you're quite sure you've never heard of this creature called "Cthulhu" before. There are however many other specimens of the ZOOLOGICALLY DUBIOUS you're familiar with.

Such as...

Rose: Consult the grimoire.

FLUTHLU, FOUL PATRICIAN OF MISERY. To hear his mammoth belly gurgle is to know the Epoch of Joy has come to an abrupt end.

And NRUB'YIGLITH, SHAMEBEAST KING OF GROTESQUERY, WRITHE-LORD OF THE MOIST BEYONDHOOD. Hearing his melodious chirps and tongue-clicks causes one's bones to explode.

And of course there's OGLOGOTH, THE DEEP ONE. Whenever he grinds his teeth, all the children of a random galaxy somewhere will frown continuously for a nine thousand year span. He is the first and smallest of the SMALLER GODS, appointed in servitude of a vile, unfathomable pantheon of MIDDLING GODS which caters to the whims of the NOBLE CIRCLE OF HORRORTERRORS, an omniscient, omnipotent order of the elite few, forever cloaked in the darkness of the FURTHEST RING.

And then there's this strange page containing some rather mysterious notes on summoning procedures. You've never been quite sure what these diagrams are getting at.

Rose: Take items and proceed downstairs.

You re-captchalogue everything the way you want it to appear in the tree, and head downstairs.

You figure that's enough dilly-dallying. Time to get a move on!

[S] ==

((Rose goes onto the exterior walkway and is pelted with rain. She looks up at the sky into the rain. the clouds part and she is able to see the meteorites streaking throught the night sky. Burning rock is shown lingering with the rain. Rose vs. Mother Nature))

You wonder if this rain will ever let up. It's driven since the month began, perhaps long enough to forget its purpose. It no longer even knows to assuage fire. Somewhere a zealous god threads these strings between the clouds and the earth, preparing for a symphony it fears impossible to play. And so it threads on, and on, delaying the raise of the conductor's baton.

How you hate this season.

"April is the cruelest month, breeding lilacs out of the dead land, mixing memory and desire, stirring dull roots with spring rain." -American sports legend, Charles Barkley


	5. Chapter 5

Rose: Confront mother in hall.

Surely your mother is lurking nearby. You should be prepared for an unpleasant confron...

((Rose is shown in her hallway. The screen suddenly flashes with two words: "OH PSYCHE". The screen then shows a dude wearing aviators.))

What?

There's this really cool dude, ok? He's standing around being all chill, like cool dudes are known to do sometimes. A cool dude like this probably has a real cool name. But he probably wouldn't just tell you what it was if you asked. He'd be way too busy for that. Busy being totally sweet.

But you could always try to guess his name. And if you were right, he might nod ever so slightly. That's a cool dude's way of letting you know there might just be hope for you yet.

Enter name.

"INSUFFERABLE PRICK"

((The dude wearing the aviators pulls a katana out of thin air and chops those two words in half. WHAT NOW?!))

This guy doesn't have time for this sort of bullshit.

Try again.

"DAVE STRIDER"

Examine room.

Your name is DAVE. It is an UNSEASONABLY WARM April day. Your BEDROOM WINDOW is open to let some air in, and your FAN is cranked. Arguably even more cranked would be your FLY BEATS, which brings us to your variety of INTERESTS. A cool dude like you is sure to have plenty. You have a penchant for spinning out UNBELIEVABLY ILL JAMS with your TURNTABLES AND MIXING GEAR. You like to rave about BANDS NO ONE'S EVER HEARD OF BUT YOU. You collect WEIRD DEAD THINGS PRESERVED IN VARIOUS WAYS. You are an AMATEUR PHOTOGRAPHER and operate your own MAKESHIFT DARKROOM. You maintain a number of IRONICALLY HUMOROUS BLOGS, WEBSITES, AND SOCIAL NETWORKING PROFILES. And if the inspiration strikes, you won't hesitate to drop some PHAT RHYMES on a mofo and REPRESENT.

What will you do?

Dave: Quickly retrieve arms from cinderblocks.

Nah.

Dave: Get the damn beta and save your friend's life!

This notion strikes you as nonsensical. You can't imagine how a video game could save someone's life, and in any case, you're quite sure no one you know is in any danger.

Anyway, these are your copies of the beta you received in the mail recently. You've labeled them with your name in BOLD RED PRINT to distinguish them from your BRO's copies, who labeled his in kind. Neither of you really gives a shit about this game or has any intention of playing it, but you'll be damned if you'll let that get in the way of your campaign of one-upmanship.

Dave: Bleat like a goat and piss on your turntable.

You would never consider allowing any fluid even remotely resembling urine to touch your beloved TURNTABLES. That would risk breaking them, and a world without the gift of your godly science just doesn't sound like a place you want any part of. While you're at it, you might as well wipe out human civilization with a meteor or something ridiculous like that which will probably never happen.

That sort of thing only happens in stupid idiot movies for stupid idiots.

You will however contemplate bleating like a goat for IRONICALLY HUMOROUS purposes at a later date.

Dave: Examine closet.

This is your closet. This is where you keep a lot of your crap.

Like that BOX. And that bottle of... what is that?

Is that...?

Dave: Check the blue box.

This is the package that your friend John Egbert sent you for your 13th birthday a little while ago. It now contains nothing except a NOTE and a CERTIFICATE OF AUTHENTICITY vouching for the genuine Hollywood memorabilia which the box originally contained, and which you are now wearing to be IRONIC but also to be INCREDIBLY COOL IN A WAY SOMEHOW INTANGIBLY RELATED TO THE IRONIC NATURE OF THE ACCESSORY. You find it sort of exasperating to explain these subtleties to people.

The BOX also included a signed photo of BEN STILLER which now proudly hangs above your closet. Proudly and IRONICALLY.

Dave: Take box.

You captchalogue the BOX through your HASH MAP FETCH MODUS.

Your modus's current HASH FUNCTION resolves the index by valuing each consonant at 2, and each vowel at 1. The total is divided by your number of cards, and the remainder is the index.

BOX = 2 + 1 + 2 = 5

5 % 10 = 5

The BOX is captchalogued in card 5.

Dave: Examine jar of unknown yellow substance in the closet.

Oh hell yes. It is an unopened container of APPLE JUICE. You thought you were all out. It is like fucking christmas up in here.

This is so great. You've got to tell John about this immediately. He'll be so excited.

Dave: Take juice.

You captchalogue the JUICE into card 7.

2+1+1+2+1 %10 = 7.

Dave: Access Pesterchum and pester John.

In addition to letting your buddy know about this outstanding juice windfall, you figure you'll wish him a happy birthday while you're at it. In your own cool, sort of roundabout way of course. Good thing you looked at that box he sent you, or you might have forgotten.

You also might as well ask him about that beta. The kid's been harping about it for weeks. It would be cool if it came on his birthday. He'd be one happy camper.

((Dave opens Pesterchum on his computer.))

((The following is a conversation we've already read from John's point of view. I guess you can read it again if you want to...))

- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 18:13 -

TG: hey so what sort of insane loot did you rake in today  
EB: i got a little monsters poster, it's so awesome. i'm going to watch it again today, the applejuice scene was so funny.  
TG: oh hell that is such a coincidence i just found an unopened container of apple juice in my closet it is like fucking christmas up in here  
EB: ok thats fine, but i just have one question and then a word of caution. have you ever seen a movie called little monsters starring howie mandel and fred savage?  
TG: but  
TG: the seal on the bottle is unbroken  
TG: are you suggesting someone put piss in my apple juice at the factory  
EB: all im saying is don't you think monster howie mandel has the power to do something as simple as reseal a bottle?  
EB: try using your brain numbnuts.  
TG: why did the fat kid or whoever drank it know what piss tasted like  
TG: i mean his reaction was nigh instantaneous  
EB: it was the 15th day in a row howie mandel peed in his juice.  
TG: ok i can accept that  
TG: monster B-list celebrity douchebags are cunning and persistent pranksters  
TG: also fred savage has a really punchable face  
TG: but who cares about this lets stop talking about it  
TG: did you get the beta yet  
EB: no.  
EB: did you?  
TG: man i got two copies already  
TG: but i dont care im not going to play it or anything the game sounds boring  
TG: did you see how it got slammed in game bro?  
EB: game bro is a joke and we both know it.  
TG: yeah  
TG: why dont you go check your mail maybe its there now  
EB: alright.

Dave: Go online and view sites indicative of your interests.

You open the HEPHAESTUS web browser and direct it to your ironically maintained blog where you post monthly satirical reviews of GAMEBRO MAGAZINE. Your latest post is a review of the MARCH ISSUE.

You've been meaning to write a review for the latest issue too, but you've been sort of dogging it. Something about the game they're reviewing just doesn't strike you as ripe for satirical purposes.

In a new tab you open another one of your sites, a webcomic ironically maintained through a satirical cipher vaguely similar to that of your blog. It's called SWEET BRO AND HELLA JEFF.

You have legions of devoted fans, most of whom are totally convinced of your creative persona's sincerity. Which is just how you like it.

Dave: Check the latest page of the Midnight Crew.

You figure as long as you're chilling at your computer you might as well see how that new MSPA story is going. You haven't looked at it in a while.

Midnight Crew.

"You are members of a sinister gang called the Midnight Crew. Your nefarious plots are serpentine in complexity. Your schemes, convoluted. You are planning a heist in your underground hideout.

What will you do?"

Use Occam's Razor on plans and schemes.

"Spades Slick uses OCCAM'S RAZOR to carve a circular hole into the HEIST PLANS, freeing it from the knife.

You wonder what moron would jam the knife so hard into the table in the first place."

SS: Climb ladder and exit hideout. Implement nefarious plots

"You push against the MANHOLE COVER, but it seems some unbelievable jackass has parked your GETAWAY VAN on top of it.

A familiar feeling stirs. That feeling is overwhelming, soul-blackening rage.

It's the sort of rage that'll make a man feel totally justified in sporting an unnecessarily elaborate assortment of fancy blades."

Dave: Skip ahead a hundred pages or so.

((The gang members are shown fighting each other in a comicaly repetitive way.))

You don't remember where you last left off, so you jump way ahead. You always forget to save your place in the story.

It looks like tempers have become short in this pressure cooker already. You speculate that the tipping point may have been an ill-advised motion for a game of 52 PICKUP.

Dave: Save your place, read it later.

Even though the adventure began recently, it's already over 3000 pages long. You just don't have time for this bullshit. You'll catch up later.

Besides, it looks like someone's pestering you. You're pretty sure you know who it is.

Dave: Answer chum.

TT: In some cultures the persistent refusal of a lady's invitation to play a game with her would be a sign wanton disrespect.  
TT: Either that, or flagrant homosexuality.  
TG: what oh no  
TG: no look  
TG: im busy ok  
TG: ive got a lot of shit on my plate  
TG: i am sort of a big deal ok?  
TT: I know.  
TT: Sometimes I wonder how you are ever allowed to pay for meals in restaurants.  
TT: It must be hard to keep a low profile when you're always overhearing awed voices whisper, "It's that guy who has a blog."  
TG: seriously  
TG: dudes be worshipping me left and right  
TG: i cant hardly walk down the street without stepping over torsos of the prostrate  
TT: Navigating the urban landscape I'm sure is difficult enough without an obstacle course of deferential flesh and skyward asses.  
TT: Perhaps adapting the art of parkour to your unique environment would help?  
TG: yeah!  
TG: i mean damn  
TG: like theres this scruffy little shit at my feet  
TG: an orphan or something i dont know  
TG: face flush on the pavement  
TG: im like dude you listening for a stampede of buffalo or something?  
TG: he braves a look at me then gives my shoe a little kiss and scurries the fuck off  
TT: Heavy is the crown.  
TG: yeah  
TG: not kicking oliver twist in the fucking face every day is my gift to the world i guess  
TT: Breathtaking magnanimity!  
TG: among other things  
TG: i just give and fucking give  
TT: Indeed, nary a jewel tumbles from your wishbox of daily exploits which I imagine does not sparkle.  
TG: oh for fucks sake  
TG: youre just lobbying for me to play that dumb game  
TT: Baseless accusation!  
TG: look i am telling you  
TG: egbert is ALL ABOUT that game  
TG: he will play it with you and probably be tickled retarded about it  
TT: I know this very well.  
TT: I cannot hasten his mail's delivery, however.  
TG: yeah yeah  
TG: ill hassle him some more about it  
TG: and look how about this  
TG: if you ever find yourself in the position where your life depends on me playing that piece of shit game, then ill play  
TG: will that make you happy  
TT: More than you know.  
TT: It perfectly mollifies my grief over the demise of chivalry.

JOHN WHAT ARE YOU DOING. STOP DOING NOTHING.

Meanwhile in the present, in a place where the present may be a concept of dubious merit, John is spacing out.

But a vague and forceful thought jolts him to attention.

Or maybe it is that bumping sound coming from the other side of the door. What is that?

== ?

A thick, unpleasant fluid ((the black sludge from before)) pools from beneath the door.

TROUBLING. INVESTIGATE THIS.

There is a trail of this fluid in the hall leading to your room.

Dave: Play some hauntingly sick beats.

You've had enough of the computer for a while. You feel like you've been messing around on it all week. It's time to get your jam on.

You pull up to your trusty AKAI MPC-1000 SAMPLER and prepare to get sicknasty.

[S] ==

((The reader is allowed to make the "hauntingly sick beats" by pressing the following controls.))

Left knob: volume for current sample.  
Right knob: master volume.  
Store patterns in F1, F2, F3... buttons.

Dave: Take sip of the apple juice, despite what John said.

Those beats were so fresh they belong in the produce aisle, is what you're talkin' about. Soccer moms be thumpin' that shit for ripeness like melons. Know what I'm sayin'?

After beats that fresh, it would be a crime not to reward yourself with a celebratory SWIG.

2+2+1+2 %10 = 7.

You can't do it!

John's got you all twisted up inside now. All you can think about is Mandel's gross monster piss.

Damn you, Egbert!

You re-captchalogue the JUICE.

Dave: Allocate sword to strife specibus.

Your STRIFE SPECIBUS is already allocated with the BLADEKIND ABSTRATUS! There is no need to allocate it.

You can wield your sweet NINJA SWORD as a weapon once it is in your STRIFE DECK. But you will have to captchalogue it first before moving it there.

Dave: Captchalogue sword.

The NINJA SWORD (2+1+2+2+1 + 2+2+1+2+2 = 17 % 10 = 7) occupies the same card as the JUICE (2+1+1+2+1 = 7 % 10 = 7), expelling the JUICE from your SYLLADEX.

It splashes all over your TURNTABLES and your copies of the BETA.

Argh!

Dave: Get a towel or something!

You head out to get a TOWEL from the bathroom across the hall.

You glance at one of the many RADICAL PUPPETS in your BRO'S collection and nod in approval.

Is there anything not awesome about your BRO? No, you think not.

You enter the bathroom. There's a damp towel on the floor you can probably use for this crisis.

((A "radical puppet" is hung up in the shower.))

You stop to pay a little respect to one of your BRO'S boys up there. Hey lil' man. How's it hangin'?

Dave: Captchalogue damp towel.

You take the DAMP TOWEL (2+1+2+2 + 2+1+2+1+2 = 15 % 10 = 5), expelling the BOX (2+1+2 = 5 % 10 = 5).

Dave: Search the bathroom for something slightly less damp.

Nah, you just decide to wring this towel out into the toilet to make it less damp.

It is now just a TOWEL (2+1+2+1+2 = 8 % 10 = 8).

Dave: Take towel.

You take the TOWEL, and grab the BOX again while you're at it.

Dave: Clean up the juice.

You CLEAN (2+2+1+1+2 = 8) up the juice with the TOWEL and hang the damp BETA ENVELOPES on your line to dry off.

In the breeze of the FAN, the betas jostle near the OPEN WINDOW.

This arrangement is a little disconcerting. If they fell out, it sure would be a stupid way to lose them.

Dave: Turn off the fan.

The crisis is easily averted. You can't imagine it will ever resurface later in any way, shape, or form. That beta is as good as yours, forever.

You should probably go pester Egbert again. You wonder if he found the beta yet. You also might chat about your respective SYLLADICES and FETCH MODI, if the topic happens to come up. You wonder if he is anywhere near as smooth with his sylladex as you are. Probably not. It's probably not even humanly possi...

Suddenly a RAMBUNCTIOUS CROW flies in the open window and snatches the beta, possibly to make a nest with, or maybe just for the sake of being a brainless feathery asshole.

You yell at the bird.

((He yells "stop". 2+2+1+2=7 The ninja sword is launched out of his syladex.))

((The ninja sword directly stabs the bird in the chest.

You accidentally launch your NINJA SWORD. Everything goes flying out the window, dead bird and all.

((Dave looks as shocked as a cool kid can.))

No one can ever know about this.

Dave: Look out window.

Yeah, you can kiss all that stuff goodbye. You feel sorry for the bird, but at least you never planned on ever using that beta, ever.

((Dave is shown leaning partially out of his window. The words "OH SNAP" appear on the screen and are quickly replaced witha face of a very old man.))

Anyway, now that that bit of ugliness is behind you, you guess you can look forward to several more hours of messing around in your room WHOA WAIT WHAT?

((Rose is shown standing in hber hallway. Then an image of the old man from before is shown, zoomed out away from his face so that we can see the majority of his body.))

You prepare to descend the stairs to your living room. You are standing eye-to-eye with a familiar foe, a 20-foot tall granite statue of the mighty wizard, ZAZZERPAN THE LEARNED. Your mother had him installed through a hole in the roof with a heavy-duty crane.

Just look at that mystical gaze. To peer into those aloof, glassen eyes is to arrest the curiosity of any mortal. To behold the wisdom concealed in the furrows of that venerable face is to know the ceaseless joys of bewonderment itself. Any man so fortunate as to catch askance his merry twinkle or twitch of whisker shall surely have all his dreams fulfilled.

You find this grisly abomination utterly detestable.

Rose: Psychoanalyze mother's love of wizards.

There is nothing to psychoanalyze. Your mother clearly has no real affinity for these damnable things. She only collects them to spite you.

If anything, she finds them even more repellent than you do. She's just a committed woman.

Rose: Go downstairs to the kitchen back door.

You descend to the living room area of your home's expansive open layout. There is the sound of rushing water beneath the floor. It tends to strike guests as a strange presence in a living space, but it's become hardly audible to you through familiarity.

There's the front door. But hopefully there's no need to make the long trek around the house in the rain. You might as well see if you can slip through the kitchen and out the back unnoticed.

Rose: View Mother's solid copper vacuum statue.

Ok, but it's bronze, not copper!

But it wasn't always. A while ago you gave this as an ironic gift to your MOM for mother's day. You even customized it with a drink holder to support one of her ubiquitous ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES.

She "liked" the gift so much, she had it bronzed and put on this pedestal. She even left it plugged in so it can still be turned on now and then. But never to do any cleaning. It never leaves this display.

Sometimes at night when you are in your room, you can hear it wailing from downstairs. She MUST know you can hear it. She's completely deranged.

Rose: Grab the Eldritch Princess.

((A large purple doll reminiscent of John's harlequin doll is sitting on the couch. It has purple skin and the face of a squid/octopus. It is dressed like a stereotypical princess.))

It's too big to captchalogue!

Not that you would want to move it anyway. The PRETTY PRINCESS DOLL has been sitting there for months, ever since your mother got this abomination for your birthday as a totally PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE gesture.

You decided to make it much less abominable by knitting Her Majesty a new head and new arms. Now it brings a mischievous smile to your face whenever you walk by. Your mother hasn't removed the doll yet, and probably never will. She would never be the one to blink first.

Rose: Acquire umbrella for protection from elements.

U L. U V.

You're going to have a hell of a time accessing that card when you need it. You guess you'll just cross that bridge later.

Rose: Peek inside kitchen.

The LIQUOR BOTTLES are out in full force. MOM is surely nearby.

Rose: Investigate richly colored object in middle of screen.

That would be your REFRIGERATOR, whose surfaces have customarily served as the battlefield for a chilly siege of PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE one-upmanship.

This was a drawing you did of your cat JASPERS when you were younger, along with a poem about him. Your mother bought this ostentatious $15,000 frame for it, and had it welded to the door.

Using the colorful MAGNET LETTERS, you recently left a succinct message (("shrew")), which may or may not have been directed toward anyone in particular. But you couldn't find the letter W, so you just stuck two V's together.

Your mother then purchased a fresh pack of W's and left them there for your convenience.

Appreciative of the thoughtful gesture, you left her a sincere THANK YOU NOTE, which you had legally notarized, and then marked with a drop of blood.

But part of it was touching the floor, so your mother was kind enough to lift the lower portion of the document with a VELVET PILLOW.

Rose: Attach a W to face as a fake moustache.

((She holds the W below her nose, abover her lips and waggles her eyebrows in a silly manner.))

This is incredibly silly, and you're not sure how it fits into your campaign against your mother, OR getting your computer back online to escape your doom!

But it's hard to resist getting a little silly sometimes. Especially when you are absolutely positive no one is watching.

Rose: Captchalogue W.

W L. W V.

But that unsightly void in the W pack won't do, nor will the gash in the plastic.

You deposit 12 CENTS in its place, which is your approximation of the letter's value. You also make a vow to return later and neatly sew the plastic shut.

Rose: Think of ways to one-up mother.

You now wonder how to address the pillow situation. It seems the woman has you at a clear disadvantage.

Perhaps slipping a fresh doily under the pillow will do the trick? Or maybe spilling a bit of WORCESTERSHIRE SAUCE on it, and then having it dry-cleaned and returned along with a laboriously ingratiating apology note? No, there's no time for anything like that. Or maybe (just thinking out loud here) you could use the entire pack of W's as M's? Oh yes, that would burn.

But you've already done something with that W pack, and there's no need to go back and gild that lily. This is delicate business. And that pillow is screaming for rebuttal.

Rose: Captchalogue velvet pillow.

You decide to take the VELVET PILLOW and lovingly embroider a poem in praise of MOTHERHOOD on it. Hopefully you can pull this off before she notices it's gone.

Ve L. Ve Vi. Ve U.

But it causes your tree to be pretty badly unbalanced. It surely will AUTO-BALANCE itself in a moment.

And just like that, the UMBRELLA becomes accessible in the ROOT CARD. That's one of the things you love about the TREE MODUS. The happy surprises.

Rose: Head out the back door.

Ok, enough's enough. Time to get goiAUGH

((Rose starts towards the door, but quickly hides behind the fridge when her mother appears with a flash of lightning. Her mother is wearing a dress and high heels. She is holding what appears to be a martini. She has a bucket and mop.))

((Mother Lalonde begins to mop the floor.))

You don't know how she does that. You're never safe in this house.

And of all things to be doing during a power outage. She's up to her IRONIC HOUSEWIFE routine again. That mop bucket doesn't even have any water in it! What an absolute madwoman.

Rose: Hop over counter, landing in a roll.

This bird's gotta fly!

((Rose does a youth roll over the counter.))

((She lands right smack in the middle of an area designated to relatively small wizard statues.))

Lousy goddamn stupid wizards.

Meanwhile, in the past again.

You're almost done patching up the hole in your window with the GAFFER TAPE.

But it's sort of hard to get any work done when people keep pestering you all day. You guess you better get that.

Dave: Answer chum.

- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 18:36 -

GG: hi dave!  
TG: hey sup  
GG: not much sup with you!  
GG: bro! hehehe  
TG: haha  
TG: good one  
TG: s'alright being chill i guess you know how it goes  
GG: great! feeling cool today?  
GG: mr cool guy?  
TG: oh man you know it  
GG: sooooo cooooooool!  
TG: you know shit is ice cold up in here  
TG: shit is wicked bananas i am telling you  
GG: :D  
GG: so have you talked to john today?  
TG: yeah we were just talking a while ago about how he sucks at his sylladex  
TG: can you believe he uses stack that kid is ridiculous  
GG: lol  
GG: well that doesnt sound like much fun!  
TG: what was it you use again...  
TG: wait nm  
TG: i forgot whenever we talk about your goofy modusses i get a migrane. what do you want with john  
GG: :)  
GG: i want to tell him happy birthday and ask him about his birthday package!  
TG: oh yeah  
TG: i was being sort of cagey and told him to check the mail cause i was wondering if mine came yet  
GG: i think it did!  
TG: yeah?  
GG: and i think mine came too  
TG: so uh  
TG: i guess you want to know if he likes it or something?  
GG: no!  
GG: he will not open it  
GG: he will lose it!  
TG: oh  
TG: uh  
TG: wow sorry to hear that i guess?  
GG: no its good actually!  
GG: because he will find it again later when he really needs it  
GG: which of course is why i sent it in the first place!  
TG: see like  
TG: i never get how you know these things  
GG: i dont know  
GG: i just know that i know!  
TG: hmm alright  
GG: anyway i have to go!  
GG: i have to feed bec which is always a bit of an undertaking  
TG: man  
TG: if i were you i would just take that fucking devilbeast out behind the woodshed and blow its head off  
GG: heheheh!  
GG: i dont think i could if i tried!  
TG: yeah  
TG: say hi to your grand dad for me too ok  
GG: ._.  
GG: yes i guess an encounter with him is almost certain  
GG: it is usually...  
GG: intense!  
TG: well yeah isnt it always with family  
TG: but he sounds like a total badass  
GG: yeah he totally is!  
GG: anyway gotta go!  
TG: see ya  
GG: 3

Dave: Get phone.

It will be handy to have your PHONE (2+2+1+2+1 = 8%10 = 8) on standby so you won't always have to go back to your computer whenever someone pesters you. This way you can TEXT MESSAGE (2+1+2+2 + 2+1+2+2+1+2+1 = 18%10 = 8) people no matter where you are or what outrageously cool thing you're up to.

((Captchalogueing the phone, ejects the towel which drifts and lands on Dave's head.))

SO.

COOL.

JOHN, PURSUE ADVERSARY INTO THAT ROOM.

And even meanerwhile, in the present. Sort of.

Once again, the slippery antagonist eludes you. You only find more of these unpleasant oily smears.

Someone is pestering you. Both your PDA and computer register the message.

THIS CHUM WILL KNOW WHAT TO DO.

TG: alright  
TG: im out of my room now looking for my bros game  
EB: oh, good!  
EB: yeah, there is no sign of rose yet, i hope she is ok  
TG: well if she comes back ill be ready  
TG: you better know what youre talking about cause this could get ugly  
TG: brought my phone and i also took my awesome katana with me in case things get too hot to handle  
TG: and they always do  
EB: you mean that cheap piece of shit you have on your wall?  
TG: FU  
TG: its sharp and its awesome and its a sword  
TG: end of story  
EB: ok i don't really care.  
EB: i'm in my room again, i really think there's someone else in this house.  
EB: like monsters or something.  
TG: howie?  
EB: haha I WISH.  
TG: dude monsters arent real  
TG: thats stupid kids stuff for stupid babies  
EB: maybe. yeah you're right.  
TG: what are you an idiot  
TG: of course there are monsters in your house  
TG: youre in some weird evil monster dimension come on  
TG: skepticism is the crutch of cinematic troglodytes  
TG: like hey mom dad theres a dinosaur or a ghost or whatever in my room. "yeah right junior go back to bed"  
TG: fuck you mom and dad how many times are we going to watch this trope unfold it wasnt goddamn funny the first time i saw it  
TG: just once id like to see dad crap his pants when a kid says theres a vampire in his closet  
TG: "OH SHIT EVERYONE IN THE MINIVAN"  
TG: be fuckin dad of the year right there  
EB: ok ok stop!  
EB: what do i do?  
TG: what do you have a hammer  
TG: man so lame  
TG: ok whatever  
TG: you should look into weaponizing your sylladex  
TG: my bro is always getting on my case about it but man its not as easy as it sounds  
TG: but if youre fighting monsters left and right you dont have much choice  
EB: hmm...  
EB: ok, i guess i can read up on data structures some more.  
EB: how's it going there?  
TG: im out in the living room hes usually here  
TG: but i dont see him  
TG: might be playing his mind games hes always pulling this ninja shit  
TG: all i see is lil cal over there so i guess he cant be far  
EB: hahaha.  
EB: oh god.  
EB: SO LAME.  
TG: what  
EB: see...  
EB: i just don't know why you think it's cool.  
EB: his ventriloquist rapping thing.  
TG: oh lil cal? no man  
TG: lil cal is the shit  
EB: that's fine, you are entitled to your opinion, i am just saying that being a white guy who is a rapper with a ventriloquist doll is not cool by any stretch of the imagination or by any definition of word cool, ironic or otherwise. that's all i'm saying.  
TG: yeah bullshit  
TG: cal is dope  
TG: puppets are awesome  
TG: john egbert blows  
TG: the end  
EB: yeah, more like the opposite of all those things is the thing that is true!  
EB: i'm going to read.  
EB: good luck with your bro.

READ YOUR BOOK. STAY WARY OF THESE FOES.

((A black creature dressed as a harlequin with whit eyes and sharp teeth is hiding behind John's bed.))

Pff. Monsters.

Only retarded babies who poop in their diapers believe in that stuff.

[S] Rose: Youth roll right out the front door.

((She rolls towards the door, but is stopped by her mother who is still holding her martini in one hand. "STRIFE" appears on screen. The reader is given four choices: AGGRIEVE, AGRESS, ABJURE, ABSTAIN. The two size each other up, Rose in a fighting stance, knitting needles in hand. Mother Lalonde is standing in a much less aggresive position. AGGRIEVE leads to Rose attempting to hit her mother with her knitting needles. many of these are dodged. Clicking on AGRESS gives one option in parentheses "PASSIVE". Rose pounces towards her mother then makes a 360 and runs towards an electricity socket. She acts as if she will shove her, assumably, metal knitting needles into the socket. This is labeled as an "EMPTY SUICIDE THREAT" because of the lack of power. For ABJURE, a subtitle appears. GUARDIAN RUBRIC: IRONIC INDULGENCES. Mother Lalonde then presents a pony with a pink bow to Rose who refuses it. For ABSTAIN, yet another subtitle appears. GUARDIAN RUBRIC: IRONIC NEGLIGENCE. She then shoves her martini towards Rose, who once again refuses.))

It looks like MOM has satisfied her [S] STRIFE! quota for the day. She simply returns to her housework.

No point in going out the front door anymore. Might as well head out the back, like you originally planned.

Rose: First, be the pony. Second, trample Mom.

You can't be this stupid pony, and frankly you can't imagine why anyone would want to!

But you give the pony a begrudging pat on the snout anyway.

((A small, pink heart appears over Rose's head.))

Her name is MAPLEHOOF.

JOHN TURN AROUND!

"DATA STRUCTURES for ASSHOLES

Chapter 7

God Damn It, Why Do I Even Bother?

The good news: finally your revolting incompetence can be put to use. Instead of accidentally firing a sylladex full of steak knives into a priceless oil painting or your beloved great aunt, you can turn that fumbling fury toward one of your foes, such as the ability to grasp painfully simple concepts. The bad news: I'm tired of explaining myself hoarse to you jibbering fuckwads. In this chapter I will be phoning it in with the liberal use of diagrams and shitty clip art. What are you going to do about it? You are going to wriggle in your own viscous secretions like the worms you are. That's what.

Here. Learn something for a change:

((A picture is shown of a syladex full of cement blocks. It is shown that if you captchalogue a globe, that one of the cement blocks will fly out of the syladex and hit someone in the face.))

asshole notes!

Purse your lips together to form a stiff pucker. Apply them firmly to my rear end. I now pronounce you man and wife.

Now get in the kitchen and make my ass some dinner, bitch."

You're TRYING to read, ok? This book is already unpleasant enough as it is without weird voices in your head nagging you to do things.

Besides, I thought we already agreed there's no such thing as monsters.

== !

((The black creature sneaks up behind John. Once it is within arm's length of John the screen purposefully blurs/pixelates.))

Fine, you'll interrupt your reading and turn around, but you don't see what could possibly be so oh my god it's a monster.

**((Have I ever told y'all that I love the weekend?))**


	6. Chapter 6

====== !

((Red text above the black creature labels it as a shale imp. The imp picks up John's bunny. "STRIFE" "DON'T MOVE OR THE BUNNY GETS IT" John blubbers pathetically until the shale imp starts to punch the bunny. This show of violence spurs John to action. He pulls his sledgehammer from his strife specibus and holds it in the air victoriously for a moment before his strength gicves out and it falls behind him. The reader is given one option: AGGRIEVE. Upon clicking on it, John lifts his sledgehammer. The hammer part of the sledge hammer falls off and John drops the handle. He then falls down, assumably from slipping in the black sludge underneath his feet. Well, either that or he's a klutz and tripped over air/his own feet. After Johmn thoroughly makes a fool of himself, the imp rubs salt in the wound by taunting him and puching the bunny while he helplessly lays on the ground.))

Rose: Exit.

You leave through the back door.

Nearby is the TRANSFORMER which distributes electricity from the UNDERGROUND GENERATOR powered by the river flowing beneath your house.

The transformer was struck by lightning though, and no longer works. You wonder if your mother has any plans to have it fixed. You guess she'd rather just play her mind games in a dark house like a weirdo.

You can see the MAUSOLEUM and the PORTABLE GENERATOR across your back yard. You're almost there.

Rose: Use umbrella.

((When she retrieves her umbrella, everything else in her syladex is ejected.))

You regather your items and begin the soggy trek mausoleum-ward.

[S] GET UP JOHN, THIS IS NO TIME FOR SLUMBER.

((John has picked the sledgehammer handle. The imp still has the bunny. "STRIFE" The reader is given the chance to fight as John. The reader gets in a few nine swings, leaving its health bar halfway empty (or full :)) before the imp strikes John once knocking him on his butt, clearly in distress. The shale imp continues to taunt John with the stuffed bunny. In case you hadn't noticed, he's not all that great at fighting. Just sayin'.))

Rose: Forget the W and make haste to the mausoleum.

Retrieving the W never even crossed your mind. It's just a stupid magnet.

((Rose is walking towards the cat mausoleum, holding her umbrella. Behind the mausoleum is the forest which is on fire. Fire and water are still coming down from the sky.))

[S] JOHN, SALVAGE YOUR WEAPON AND FIGHT ON!

(("STRIFE! AGAIN!" The reader must fight the imp again. It starts with us having to pick up/captchalogues the hammer part of the sledgehammer (what even do you call it?). This ejects the fanciful harlequin from John's syladex which goes towards the imp which is deflected by the imp. Picking up the fanciful harlequin ejects the telescope which is also deflected by the imp. Picking up the telescope ejects the towel which harmlessly floats to the ground. Picking up the towel ejects the carved totem. The imp deflects this which hits john instead, momentarily shoving him to the ground. However he gets up swiftly and back into a fighting stance. Captchalogueing the carved totem causes the pda to be ejected. The pda is deflected by the imp. John runs up the wall of the screen and catches it. "SWEET CATCH!" He then captchalogues the pda which ejects the hammer part of the sledgehammer which the imp is unable to block. the impo is crushed. The imp's assumably dead body is immediately replaced with grist. The reader collects it.))

YOU SAID.

((John's hand is shown reaching towards the bunny.))

PUT THE BUNNY

((John has the bunny in one, up-lifted hand, the box in the other. He has an intense glare on his face.))

BACK IN

((John is holding the bunny high in the air. His entire body is trembling with excitement. His teeth are bared.))

THE BOX!

((He slams the bunny into the box so hard that the bunny goes out the bottom of the box.))

Now why couldn't he put the bunny back in the box?

NOW EXULT. VICTORY, SPOILS ARE YOURS.

The amazing victory allows you to scale the first two ACHIEVEMENT RUNGS on your ECHELADDER. You are now a PLUCKY TOT, with a new feather in your cap to show for it.

The ECHELADDER rewards your bold ascent with 125 BOONDOLLARS. You waste little time in storing them in your CERAMIC PORKHOLLOW.

Additionally, climbing the rungs has boosted your GEL VISCOSITY and CACHE LIMIT.

((He jumps around excitedly, fist pumping the air.))

By expanding your CACHE LIMIT, you've made room for all that nice grist you just collected. You now have 32 fragments of BUILD GRIST, and 10 fragments of SHALE.

WHAT ABOUT THAT CARD.

It seems the SHALE IMP had allocated the BUNNY to its STRIFE SPECIBUS.

Sort of a stupid thing to use for a weapon, but you might as well grab it, and stick the BUNNY in your STRIFE DECK while you're at it. It will at the very least be safer there.

OK.

You group the two SPECIBI in your STRIFE PORTFOLIO.

No self-respecting strifer would be caught dead without one.

GATHER THE SCATTERED BITS OF YOUR LARGE HAMMER.

Oddly enough, it seems breaking the SLEDGEHAMMER altered the ABSTRATUS from HAMMERKIND to HANDLEKIND, even going as far as expelling the head of your smaller HAMMER from your deck to force compliance. You didn't even notice in the heat of the battle.

You grab the SLEDGEHAMMER HANDLE, expelling the useless HARLEQUIN FIGURINE.

NOW REPAIR THE HAMMER.

You merge the SLEDGEHAMMER HEAD with its HANDLE, and return it to your STRIFE DECK, repairing the HAMMERKIND ABSTRATUS in the process.

The smaller HAMMER HANDLE is ejected from the deck, since of course handles of any sort no longer belong in there. Obviously.

FINE. NOW WHAT

Dave is pestering you. But you don't have time to deal with his nonsense right now.

Something is amiss in your room. You can't quite put your finger on it...

((Rose has arrived at the cat's mausoleum.))

Rose: Hurry and activate the generator!

You fire up the GENERATOR and drag a cord into the MAUSOLEUM.

It of course would be foolish to run the GENERATOR inside a confined space. GENERATOR SAFETY is everyone's business.

Rose: Defile tomb.

((She kicks the coffin off of the platform.))

Sorry, Jaspers. Have to make space for the LAPTOP.

Besides, your final resting place is already a mockery. You should have decomposed years ago under a bed of petunias like a normal cat. Not given to a taxidermist and fitted with a tiny, custom-tailored suit, and then stuffed in a coffin built for infants.

Rose: Plug in your laptop.

You plug in your LAPTOP and connect to the internet signal again.

Everything predictably falls out of your SYLLADEX, but you're not about to get bent out of shape about it. You have bigger fish to fry.

Looks like Dave noticed you're back online. He pesters you like clockwork.

And there's John. What on earth is he up to now?

THE DOOR, JOHN. LOOK AT THE DOOR.

You're right. Didn't Rose yank the door off its hinges and prop it on your bed?

Someone or something has put it back and left it slightly ajar.

INCREDIBLY ALARMING. INVESTIGATE.

((When he opens the door, a bucket of water falls on his head, drenching him. His prankster's gambit has decreased tremendously from the incident.))

HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO!

[S] WHAT THIS IS SO OUTRAGEOUS

((The sprite's prankster's gambit is shown to have increased. The sprite still has the outfit and slashed eye of a harlequin, but has the looks of John's deceased grandmother about her.))

Rose: Pester John.

TG: oh there you are  
TG: john said your house was burning down are you on fire yet or what  
TT: No. For now I have retired to the safety of a smaller building which is much closer to the forest fire threatening my residence.  
TG: oh well thats a relief  
TG: john told me to get the game to help get you out of there so im working on that now  
TT: Working on it?  
TG: yeah my bros copy long story  
TG: hey  
TG: dont tell john this but i think he might have been right about the puppets  
TG: theyre sort of starting to freak me out a little  
TT: You're referring to your brother's collection?  
TG: i mean dont get me wrong i think its cool and all  
TG: the semi-ironic puppet thing or whatever  
TG: or semi-semi ironic  
TG: man i dont even know  
TG: im just starting to think some of this shit is going a little far and its kind of fucked up  
TT: I've seen his websites.  
TT: I like them.  
TG: haha yeah well YOU WOULD  
TG: oh man i wish lil cal wouldnt look at me like that  
TG: with those dead eyes jesus  
TG: sometimes i dream that hes real and hes talking to me and i wake up in a cold sweat and basically flip the fuck out  
TT: Interesting...  
TG: oh god why did i just tell you my dream  
TG: youre going to have a field day with that  
TT: I am currently scrawling notes furiously into one of the many psychoanalysis journals I maintain for you. Published papers forthcoming.  
TT: Because, you know, it's not like either of us have anything better to do at the moment than to evaluate each other's radically debilitating pathologies.  
TG: yeah im gonna get moving  
TG: oh have you heard from john  
TG: hes not answering me  
TT: He won't answer me either.  
TT: But I am watching him.  
TT: I suspect he is preoccupied with the fact that he just had a bucket of water dumped on his head by the ghost of his dead grandmother, who also happens to be dressed like a clown.  
TG: hahahahaha  
TG: alright im out  
TG: later

INTERROGATE THIS MADWOMAN.

JOHN: um... nanna?  
NANNASPRITE: Yes, dear!  
JOHN: wow, you scared the living daylights out of me!  
NANNASPRITE: Hoo hoo hoo!  
JOHN: well, i guess it was a really great prank. good one nanna.  
JOHN: anyway, are you REALLY my dead nanna?  
NANNASPRITE: Of course, John! I have come back to help you on your journey through The Medium and beyond! I am delighted to see what a fine young man you have turned out to be. Just like your father!  
JOHN: ok, i guess i will take your word for it. i don't remember you at all! my dad said i was really young when you died.  
JOHN: hey speaking of which, do you know where he is? i looked everywhere for him!

((Daddy Egbert is shown figting a couple of imps with the broom. Then the kitchen is shown with only black sludge left behind.))

NANNASPRITE: Your father was kidnapped!  
JOHN: oh no!  
NANNASPRITE: When you crossed over to The Medium, he was apprehended by the very forces of darkness which your presence here has awakened.  
JOHN: what? ok, so what is the medium you are talking about?  
NANNASPRITE: It is where we are now! A realm that is a ring of pure void, dividing light and darkness. It turns in the thick of The Incipisphere, a place untouched by the flow of time in your universe.  
JOHN: you mean because we are inside a computer, or in the game software or something?  
NANNASPRITE: A computer? Why, what is that, dear? Some new fangled contraption, like the horseless auto-boxcar?  
JOHN: well, uh, it's like this machine that, uh...  
NANNASPRITE: Hoo hoo hoo! Of course I know what a computer is, John! I was just pulling your leg! Hoo hoo hoo!  
JOHN: oh, ok.  
NANNASPRITE: No, John. You are not inside a computer or software or anything like that! Try not to be so linear, dear. The software that brought you here was merely a mechanism that served as a gateway! Its routines in a way served to invoke this realm's instance, yet it stands independently of any physical machine, and somewhat paradoxically, always has!  
JOHN: i'm not sure i get it, but alright.  
JOHN: so what do i actually need to be doing here?  
NANNASPRITE: I think it would be best if we started with the big picture!

[S] GO ON. ==

((Many red curtains come back to reveal the sburb loading screen. The screen pulsates outward, then is replaced with a new one each time it gets to its full size. A blue planet with many clouds is shown. Part of the sburb loading screen can be seen behind this planet.))

NANNASPRITE: Above The Medium, beyond The Seven Gates, residing at the core of The Incipisphere is a place known as Skaia.

NANNASPRITE: Legend holds that Skaia exists as a dormant crucible of unlimited creative potential. What does this mean, you ask? I'm afraid my lips are sealed about that, dear! Hoo hoo!

NANNASPRITE: But needless to say, where a realm of such profound importance is concerned, forces of light will forever be charged with its defense, while forces of darkness will just as persistently covet its destruction!

((A 3x3 chess board is shown with two kings, one black, one white. They are in a neverending stalemate.))

NANNASPRITE: And as it so happens, at the center of this realm whose fate is in question, these very forces duel on a stage, stuck in eternal stalemate.

NANNASPRITE: Yes, they have dueled in this manner forever... that is, until you showed up!

ME? ==

JOHN: ME?

NANNASPRITE: Yes, you, John!

NANNASPRITE: Before your mishap with my ashes, you may recall the Sprite's previous incarnation, which resulted from its Kernel's "hatching".

NANNASPRITE: You see, this hatching occurs automatically in response to your arrival! The result is a pair of Kernels, one dark, one light, each carrying the information they were prototyped with before the hatch!

NANNASPRITE: One goes down, to a kingdom entrenched in darkness. The other, up, to a kingdom basking in light! Each comes to rest in an Orb atop a Spire, of which there are three others in kind. The Four Spires are situated above a throne, and these two thrones preside over the two respective Sovereign Powers!

NANNASPRITE: And once the Kernels are situated, that is when the game is afoot. The true war begins, light versus dark, good versus evil.

NANNASPRITE: This is a war that the forces of light are always destined to lose, without exception!

A QUEST OF FUTILITY THEN. ==

JOHN: wow, really? then what's the point?

NANNASPRITE: That remains for you to find out, dear! For you see, the journey you are about to take is The Ultimate Riddle!

JOHN: whoa!

NANNASPRITE: For now, your objective is to proceed towards Skaia, and pass through The First Gate situated directly above your house, not even terribly far! The Gates will become progressively more difficult to reach, so you had better be prepared to sharpen your adventuring skills!

JOHN: how am i supposed to get up there?

NANNASPRITE: You build!

== !

((John excitedly fist pumps the air.))

JOHN: ok, i think i get it now!  
JOHN: so i guess the battle against good and evil is sort of irrelevant? well, i don't know, that all sounds kind of weird, but in any case, we build the house to get to these gates, and then i can save my dad!  
NANNASPRITE: Yes, John!  
JOHN: and then after that, we solve this ultimate riddle thing and save earth from destruction!  
NANNASPRITE: Oh no, I'm afraid not!

== ?

((He slowly stops dancing and frowns.))

NANNASPRITE: Your planet is done for, dear! There is nothing you can do about that!  
JOHN: oh...  
NANNASPRITE: Your purpose is so much more important than saving that silly old planet, though!  
JOHN: and that is?  
NANNASPRITE: HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO!

YES I WILL HAVE TO AGREE WITH THE FLOAT HAG ABOUT THAT.

NANNASPRITE: John, you are such a good boy! I know you will succeed.  
JOHN: thanks, nanna.  
NANNASPRITE: You are a good boy, and good boys deserve treats!  
JOHN: hooray!  
NANNASPRITE: I am going to go bake you some cookies.  
JOHN: ...

((John grimaces. Nannasprite uses her ghost-like properties to go through the wall to get/make cookies for him.))

THE HAG MENTIONED COOKIES. PURSUE HER.

((He torturedly puts his hands on his head. He is imagining the awfulness of Betty Crocker.))

Oh God dammit, that's just what you need. More baked goods.

JOHN YOU DO NOT SAY NO TO COOKIES. I COMMAND YOU TO GET THEM

You totally abjure the hell out of that idea.

You're so busy abjuring, you don't even notice Rose has been trying to pester you this whole time.

Rose: Hit John in the head with box to get his attention.

You give John a swift drubbing in the noggin, but he is undeterred!

That is some fit he is throwing.

((This part is from Rose's perspective.))

Perhaps you will take this spare moment to contemplate the Nannasprite's strange tale. It may also behoove you to record your thoughts on these developments in your GameFaqs walkthrough/journal. It can be hard finding time to update it. In fact, you're not even sure where you found the time to write what's already there!

Oh is that so, Jaspers? And just who do you think you're looking at with that smug grin?

The last thing you need is sass from a dead cat. It's pretty much all his fault you're in this mess in the first place, so he can just button it.

JOHN. COOKIES. NOW.

You refuse outright!

THIS IMPUDENCE IS INSUFFERABLE. GO GET THE COOKIES!

((He shoves his face into a pillow and continues to shake his head no.))

Well when you put it so politely, how can John decline?

JOHN YOU ARE STUPID.

((John turns around, seemingly crying into the pillow. Either that or he is trembling with fear. Same difference, right?))

You really need to work on your manners.

STUPID STUPID DUMB

((John walks mostly off screen, however we can still see his arm which just so happens to be connected to his hand which just so happens to be connected to a certain finger...))

That's not a command. It's nothing.

It's stupid.

You're stupid.

FOR THE LAST TIME I COMMAnd you to get the cookies boy

((John jumps up and down, screaming. He is very clearly upset.))

It's just not going to happen buddy!

Years in the future...

((The wayward vagabond types into the four-screened computer, "FOR THE LAST TIME I COMMand you-"

But really not enough to write home about.

An agitated finger slips mid-keystroke.

((Pressing the CAPS LOCK button opens up a secret compartment. In this compartment are canned foods and a book titled "HUMAN ETTIQUETTE".))

==================================================================================  
[B100] The Long and Short. The Medium too.  
==================================================================================

I may have been a bit hasty in advising you not to bother with the prototyping  
process. If I spared any detail, it was only to optimize your chances of survival.  
And if you find yourself begrudging the absence of certain instructions, which if  
followed would have resulted in your demise, then I guess that makes two of us.

Otherwise, you're welcome.

But the fact appears to be that prototyping the Kernelsprite before making your  
getaway may offer the only opportunity to exercise control over your new  
environment, a place known as The Medium. Also, if prototyped with one (or two)  
sufficiently - albeit loosely - humanoid and/or sentient element/s (living or  
otherwise), it offers the chance to have all this explained to you by an  
apparitional guide through whatever sort of cryptic, sketchy doublespeak your  
choice of prototyping element/s engender/s. In lieu of this, you may be forced to  
settle for my clear, thorough explanations and assiduous dissection of raw data.

Again, don't mention it.

If you have made it to The Medium with an unmolested Vanillasprite, well, I've  
already covered the bad news about this "missed opportunity", and I will go into  
this further soon. Though to what extent this actually is bad news, I'm not sure. I  
know only the result of my co-player's current configuration, wherein the sprite  
was prototyped once before the departure, and once after. Which brings us to the  
good news, which is that you can still prototype after your departure, and salvage  
the massively rewarding experience of haggling with an exposition-slinging phantom  
guide, so long as you avoid prototyping with terribly inert items, such as a brass  
doorknocker and your father's pornography collection.

Actually, that might be interesting. If you are struck by the spirit of such  
experimentation, please don't hesitate to contact me about it.

So, yes, you can enhance your sprite in this way, but doing so after your departure  
will no longer induce this "effect" on The Medium I alluded to. That can only be  
accomplished with one or more pre-departure prototypings. In fact, we can  
extrapolate there are only so many ways to prototype a sprite.

Tiers of prototyping in relation to departure:  
- Both before  
- One before, one after  
- Both after  
- Only one, either before or after  
- None

Those occurring before will affect the Medium through the kernel's "hatching"  
process, and your guide, i.e. the sprite. Those occurring after will only affect  
the sprite.

The effects this process has on The Medium, or more globally, The Incipisphere, are  
still vague to me. They have to do with flavoring the forces you will struggle  
against, and generally, all forces at odds with each other in this realm. It has  
given me some insight into the nature of the game, which again I derive through  
extrapolation. We appear to be engaging an instance of a dimension with a highly  
flexible set parameters, and a series of objectives surrounding an equally flexible  
mythological framework. This framework seems to begin as a sort of blank template,  
and evolves with the players' actions, and likely further evolves with the addition  
of more host/client connections, and thus more prototyped kernels.

I regret to say I can't be much more specific than that, without loosely  
extrapolating further. There are plenty of questions that have occurred to me,  
however. Questions concerning the Kernelsprite, which I've raised implicitly  
already, such as what is the effect of an un-prototyped kernel on The Medium? Or a  
doubly-prototyped kernel, for that matter? And even more salient are questions  
about this dimension itself. Do all players world-wide make it to this dimension if  
they successfully complete their departure? Or is a unique "blank" instance of the  
dimension created for each new player? I have no evidence, but instinct tells me it  
is closer to the latter situation. There is no indication of any other players  
present in this realm. Alterations in the realm seem singularly centered on the  
actions of my co-player and myself. If I had to stake anything on it, I would guess  
every separate client/server pair activates its own fresh copy of an Incipisphere,  
or a unique "session", if you will.

But the quantity of players is a further complication which invites more questions.  
It seems the game was designed to suit two players most naturally, the server and  
the client. But through a mishap, my co-player and I have slipped out of the  
obvious tandem arrangement, and the only logical course of action to continue  
playing is to string a daisy-chain of server/client connections together, until  
presumably the chain is complete. Theoretically, we could complete this chain with  
only one other player, functioning as a server to my client, and the client to my  
current co-player's server (assuming he can recover it).

The strange thing is though, in our instance of this dimension, there are four  
receptacles for divided kernels, not three. Does this mean we are "destined" to  
have a four player chain? How could the game "know" such a thing?

Perhaps it does, and if this proves to be the case, I trust I will be sufficiently  
numbed to the realization. ((From here onwards until I say different, this part of the  
walkthrough is crossed out.))I can consider nothing about this game surprising  
at this point, and in fact from the first moments of play, it managed to deviate so far  
from my expectations that I completely forgot what my original purpose with it  
was. I had chances to test some information I obtained on good authority during  
the prototyping phases, but it completely slipped my mind. Instead, the game's  
catacombs securing the dark twisting paths to necromancy were blundered into  
ratheron accident.

But perhaps you don't need to know any of this.

((No more crossing out!))

[rethink organization? lead may be waist deep logorrheic sludge. trim down. bleh]

She's not finished with this yet! Jeez, cut her some slack.

Maybe you could go bug someone somewhere else for a while? Or at the very least, somewhen else.

Months in the past, but not many...

((Rose's house is shown during the winter season. It is snowing, though it's not cold enough to have frozen the river under her house.))

((Rose's bed is unmade and has various journals on it.))

GG: hi happy birthday rose! 3  
TT: Hello, and thanks.  
GG: did you get johns present yet?  
TT: I just opened it this very moment. What a stunning coincidence you would ask about it now. I am stunned.  
GG: yeah i know!  
GG: what will you make with it?  
TT: And who said it was something from which something else could be made?  
GG: well john did tell me what it was duh...  
TT: I suppose I'll take a stab at learning the craft.  
TT: It's the least I can do in response to the subtle dig concealed in his gesture.  
TT: He often tells me I "need a new hobby" when I make perfectly reasonable analytical remarks.  
GG: oh but rose i dont think he meant anything like that by it!  
GG: you see not everybody always means the opposite of what they say the way you and dave always do  
TT: Maybe.  
TT: His birthday is in a few months, isn't it?  
GG: yep!  
GG: i finally finished a present for him  
GG: ive been working on it for years!  
TT: Years?  
TT: It's so hard to tell when you're joking.  
TT: Or if you're even capable of it.  
GG: heheheh... :)  
GG: i just mailed it too so it is sure to get there on time  
GG: mail takes a while to get anywhere from here!  
TT: I'll probably craft something with strong sentimental value.  
TT: That should burn him.  
GG: i dont think you really mean that!  
TT: I guess not.  
TT: So, shall I expect a green package dropped to my house via airmail from whatever screwball cranny of the globe you're tucked into?  
GG: err...  
GG: no :(  
GG: sorry but you are sort of hard shop for _  
GG: besides i have something for you today that i think you will like better than some thing in a box!  
TT: Oh?  
GG: it is a tip!  
TT: This is already intriguing enough to compensate for the grave scarcity of lavish gifts parachuting from the sky. Please go on.  
GG: did you have a pet a long time ago that died?  
TT: Yes.  
GG: ok well how did you feel about your cat, did you love him a lot?  
TT: "ok well", I didn't mention it was a cat, or that it was a male. Let's pretend I'm surprised and you're embarrassed and move on.  
TT: To answer your question, I would describe my feelings toward the animal as lukewarm.  
GG: ummmmm ok...  
GG: thats fine!  
GG: it doesnt really matter i think, just...  
GG: what if someone told you you could play a game that would bring him back to life?  
TT: If someone told me that, I would regard the remark with a great deal of skepticism.  
TT: If that someone was you, on the other hand, then I would have to ask preemptively:  
TT: Is that someone you?  
GG: yes that someone is me!  
GG: i just thought you might find it interesting  
TT: So what is this game?  
GG: oh i dont know  
GG: im just saying is all  
GG: i think youll hear about it later and maybe you can talk to john and dave about it  
GG: they are way more into all that stuff than i am!  
TT: I'll see what the word on the street is about it. In due time.  
TT: For now I should probably order a copy of Knitting for Assholes. It would be a shame if I ran late with John's present.

Dave: Get katana.

You captchalogue your KATANA (2+1+2+1+2+1 = 9%10 = 9) and prepare to venture out into the apartment to retrieve your BRO's copy of the game.

But first, maybe...

Just maybe...

[S] Dave: Retrieve dead bird.

((He looks out his window to see the bird with the bird, shish-ka-bobbed on Dave's sword lying next to Dave's copies of Sburb. It zooms out to show Dave looking out his window. Then it zooms out further to show that it is seemingly raining fire.))

Dude, that bird is long gone. It probably won't last long in this heat anyway.

You don't even know what's up with this sick heat. The sun threatens to set but won't step off. It's staring you down, like the big red eye of a hot needle skipping on a groove its tracing 'round the earth. While lingering in midair its heat seems to suspend time itself, stretching it like warped vinyl. It's meant to rain this season but there ain't been a drop in sight. Even a little drizzle would help. Might help to fizzle this sizzle a little bizzle, set the record straight on this global turn-tizzle.

"So don't change the dizzle, turn it up a little  
I got a living room full of fine dime brizzles  
Waiting on the Pizzle, the Dizzle and the Shizzle  
G's to the bizzack, now ladies here we gizzo

When the pimp's in the crib ma  
Drop it like it's hot  
Drop it like it's hot  
Drop it like it's hot..."

-English Romantic poet, John Keats

((A vortex of flaming hotness is shown. The picture zooms out to show that the vortex of flaming hotness is Dave's glasses. Usually his character is mostly white, however now, all the parts that used to be white are yellow.))

Dave: Exit your room, and go into the living room.

((Dave's way is blocked by the first puppet we saw earlier. He takes the puppet down from where it was hanging and sets it down on the floor.))

Sorry little dude, coming through. Gotta put you down for a bit.

You figure you've left him hanging long enough.

Dave: Hastily enter the room with wild abandon.

((A close up is shown of a black man with a big nose and a moustache/beard combo.))

You barge in and see a familiar face. A friendly face.

You stand in the living room. Your BRO spends most of his days in here. At night he crashes on the FUTON over there. You don't see him anywhere though.

There's the PUPPET CHEST he stores LIL' CAL in when he takes him out on gigs. But when he's home he usually leaves CAL on display somewhere. And with good reason cause CAL is totally sweet.

So sweet.

Man.

Dave: Pity da fool.

It's your brother's MR. T PUPPET, which of course is kept in the apartment with a sense of profound humorous irony. But as usual with your BRO's exploits, this is no ordinary irony, or anything close to a pedestrian TIER 1 IRONIC GESTURE which is a meager single step removed from sincerity. This is like ten levels of irony removed from the original joke. It might have been funny like eight years ago to joke about Mr. T and how he was sort of lame, but that was the very thing that made him awesome and badass, and that his awesomeness was also sort of the joke. But in this case, the joke is the joke, and that degree of irony itself is ALSO the joke, and so on.

Only highly adept satirical ninjas like you and your BRO can appreciate stuff like this. It's cool taking stuff that other people think is funny but you know really isn't, and making it funny again by adding subtle strata of irony which are utterly undetectable to the untrained eye.

Also, for good measure, Mr. T is wearing a LEATHER THONG and handcuffed to a pantsless CHUCK NORRIS PUPPET.

God you hope you can be as good as your BRO at this some day. You'd never tell him that though.

Dave: Find Lil' Cal and give fistbumps.

CAL's nowhere in sight. All you see is a bunch of your BRO's weird nude puppets strewn around haphazardly.

You...

You guess these things are kinda cool.

Sort of...

Dave: Play a game on the Xbox.

It looks like your BRO was playing. It's not like him to leave in the middle of some totally intense gaming.

Not like him to misplace CAL either... man you hope the little guy's alright.

((The puppet Lil Cal appears out of nowhere sitting on top of the speaker. I absolutely positively SWEAR that the puppet wasn't there before.))

Oh there you are dude. Didn't see you there.

We be chill today, Cal? Yeah you better fuckin' believe we be chill.

Cal is the man.

Dave: Resist great urge to play Bro's Xbox.

You fail to resist the urge.

You start thrashing up stunts something uncannybrutal on your quest for "MAD SNACKS YO" and get this way rude hunger under control. Shit is basically flying off the hook. It's like shit wants nothing to do with that hook. The hook is dead to that shit.

But you get stuck in some poorly modeled 3D fixture or something. Like a railing or a piece of the wall? You'll have to reset.

Fuck this shit.

Dave: Give Lil' Cal a bro fistbump.

Aw man you almost forgot. Gotta give the C-man some props.

((He fist bumps Lil' Cal by holding up the puppet's arm and fist bumping it.))

Dave: Check out your BRO's sweet gear.

Your BRO has so much sweet gear it's hard to keep up with it all sometimes. Here's his computer setup. He's usually got a lot of stuff cooking on here at any given moment.

Since he's not around you might as well sneak a peep.

Dave: Look at your brother's computer.

Your BRO's computer is password protected of course to protect all the incredible top secret shit he's got on the burners.

Of course you know what the password is, and he knows you know it, and you're both cool with that because the password is the most awesome thing it can be.

You enter the password. On the desktop is a hodgepodge of unnamed folders to store all the stuff he's working on. No one can decipher his organization system but him.

He also tends to use the application COMPLETE BULLSHIT to keep up with the ludicrous amount of websites and news feeds he monitors to stay hip to the scene.

Dave: Open Complete Bullshit.

((The computer appears to have some kind of minor malfunction where everything starts to shake which no doubt makes it very hard to cliick on anything.))

This is COMPLETE BULLSHIT.

Dave: Check if Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff has a sweet update.

Your BRO keeps up with your projects in his aggregator, just like you keep up with his. He's tuned into your various blogs, and of course SWEET BRO AND HELLA JEFF.

You navigate to the LATEST COMIC in one of the many BULLSHIT FEEDBANDS.

Dave: Mouse over the orange stripe containing PlushRump.

((This website is filled with many puppet butts.))

Another one of your BRO's many ironic websites. The difference here is he rakes in thousands of dollars a month through this enterprise.

SMUPPETS are a multi-billion dollar a year enterprise, and it's awfully hard to resist taking a firm squeeze from the plump udder of that cash cow.

Dave: Stop wasting time and look for Bro's beta.

You guess you've messed around on his computer long enough. Better get a move on before it's too late for Rose, or worse yet, your BRO catches you.

But my God... the rumps. They are transfixing.

You know this is ironic and all, and your BRO reaches echelons of irony you could only dream of daring to fathom. But on rare occasions, when your guard is down, it all seems just a tad unsettling to you.

((Dave looks around the room. Everything seems fine.))

((The screen zooms in on Lil' Cl's face.))

Oh. Uh...

Hey...

Hey there, Cal.

Dave: Give Lil Cal a nervous fist bump.

((Dave's fist is trembling.))

((Dave looks around at all the puppets in the room, including Lil' Cal.))

You are sort of starting to flip the fuck out.

Without losing your cool of course.

Dave: Pester John to ease your nerves.

You get Egbert on the line again to give him the lowdown on your progress. You feel it's important to keep the wires hot.

But he's not answering. You wonder what that guy is up to.

TG: hey what is up  
TG: what happened with the monster that is totally definitely in your room did you kill it  
TG: where are you man  
TG: anyway  
TG: things are cool here  
TG: totally cool  
TG: puppets are still awesome  
TG: no problems with them or anything  
TG: like  
TG: just  
TG: really really awesome


	7. Chapter 7

**((I just came to the realization that the equal signs, which were meant to be part of arrows indicating that it was the next page, do not show up. I'm sorry for being an idiot and not noticing that until the SEVENTH FREAKING CHAPTER. Such an idiot. X_X I'm already at more than 4,500 words with this chapter, so I'll start experimenting with a replacement for the equal signs next chapter. Hopefully, this hasn't been too frightfully difficult to read...****))**

Looks like Rose is finally logged in again.

Didn't John say her house was burning down? You wonder if she's on fire yet or what.

Dave: Pester Rose.

TG: oh there you are  
TG: john said your house was burning down are you on fire yet or what  
TT: No. For now I have retired to the safety of a smaller building which is much closer to the forest fire threatening my residence.  
TG: oh well thats a relief  
TG: john told me to get the game to help get you out of there so im working on that now  
TT: Working on it?  
TG: yeah my bros copy long story  
TG: hey  
TG: dont tell john this but i think he might have been right about the puppets  
TG: theyre sort of starting to freak me out a little  
TT: You're referring to your brother's collection?  
TG: i mean dont get me wrong i think its cool and all  
TG: the semi-ironic puppet thing or whatever  
TG: or semi-semi ironic  
TG: man i dont even know  
TG: im just starting to think some of this shit is going a little far and its kind of fucked up  
TT: I've seen his websites.  
TT: I like them.  
TG: haha yeah well YOU WOULD  
TG: oh man i wish lil cal wouldnt look at me like that  
TG: with those dead eyes jesus  
TG: sometimes i dream that hes real and hes talking to me and i wake up in a cold sweat and basically flip the fuck out  
TT: Interesting...  
TG: oh god why did i just tell you my dream  
TG: youre going to have a field day with that  
TT: I am currently scrawling notes furiously into one of the many psychoanalysis journals I maintain for you. Published papers forthcoming.  
TT: Because, you know, it's not like either of us have anything better to do at the moment than to evaluate each other's radically debilitating pathologies.  
TG: yeah im gonna get moving  
TG: oh have you heard from john  
TG: hes not answering me  
TT: He won't answer me either.  
TT: But I am watching him.  
TT: I suspect he is preoccupied with the fact that he just had a bucket of water dumped on his head by the ghost of his dead grandmother, who also happens to be dressed like a clown.  
TG: hahahahaha  
TG: alright im out  
TG: later

Seconds in the future, but not many...

((Rose is hitting John with the box.))

TT: John, what are you doing?  
TT: Snap out of it.  
TT: We ought to discuss what your grandmother told you, don't you think?  
TT: Fine. Enjoy your stupor.  
TT: I'll go about my business elsewhere.

Rose: Deploy the Punch Designix.

((She replaces the piano in the study with a similarly shaped machine witha keyboard.))

TT: John, whenever you read this, you should know I put the shale you collected to use and finally deployed the Punch Designix.  
TT: It is in your study.  
TT: I can only drop it though. You'll have to be the one to mess around with it and see what it does.  
TT: When you're finished with your weird histrionics, maybe you could give it a try?  
TT: I'm updating my walkthrough, and it would help to know what it does.

((One imp is sitting with its feet dangling off the edge of the world, wearing the hat part of John's disguise. Another imp is standing on the tire swing. The third and final imp we see as of right now is wearing the glasses with nose and moustache. He also has one of Daddy Egbert's pipes in his mouth. John sees ALL of this out of his window.))

TT: Also, I should probably warn you that your house and yard are completely infested with monsters now. Try to be careful.

EB: so i can see.  
EB: stupid lousy imps.  
EB: they're mucking up all my cool stuff!  
TT: Oh, there you are.  
EB: oh, yeah.  
EB: sorry!  
EB: i'm not sure what came over me there, i was acting really crazy for some reason.  
EB: but my head feels like it's clearing up, i think i'm alright now.

John: Rebuild the claw hammer and return it to specibus.

You are getting way better at this sort of thing.

John: Confront Pogo Ride to prepare yourself for Nanna.

Thank God your sanity has returned so you can entertain extremely rational, coherent thoughts like this one.

You examine the POGO RIDE from the bathroom window. You do not like what you see.

((He is looking out the window, shaking his fist and yelling the way a stereotypical, grumpy old man does in the movies.))

[S] ==

((One imp is riding on the pogo ride. Another is eating cake. Yet another is playing the piano.))

Those sons of bitches. NO ONE risks painful injury on your GREEN SLIME GHOST POGO RIDE.

No one but YOU.

((The reader is then capable of controlling the pogo ride.))

Rose: Drop something heavy on one of those imps.

((The cake and piano imps run away. Rose picks up the piano and drops it on the pogo ride imp. The pogo ride amazingly survives, though the piano is not nearly as lucky.))

EB: rose my piano!  
EB: :C  
TT: Sorry.  
TT: No nuance to these controls at all.  
TT: I was hoping to bludgeon the imp without letting go of it. Guess I can't really do that.  
TT: A broken piano isn't the end of the world though.  
EB: i guess you're right.  
TT: You'll need to pick up the spoils in person. I can't interact with the grist.  
EB: so...  
EB: that means i have to go out the back door?  
TT: Yes. Is there a problem?  
EB: well it may sound dumb, but i was hoping to avoid nanna and her spooky ghost cookies.  
TT: You're right, that does sound dumb.  
EB: can you see her in the kitchen?  
TT: Yeah.  
EB: what's she doing, is she baking?  
TT: You could say that.  
EB: are you SURE you can't get that grist up to me somehow?  
TT: Maybe.

Rose: Use pogo ride to fling grist through window.

Doesn't look like that GRIST is going anywhere.

You just never know with these gaming abstractions.

((She picks up the pogo ride.))

Rose: Drop pogo ride in John's bathroom.

((The pogo ride, grist intact is placed in the bathtub, courtesy of Rose.))

John: Get grist.

TT: There you go.  
TT: Now why don't you check out the Designix?  
TT: You can do that while I get to work.  
EB: on what?

Piano: Level up for slaying the imp.

The piano in its valiant effort has unfortunately been slain.

But if it hadn't, it would have raked in so many BOONDOLLARS, you have no idea.

SO MANY.

Rose: It's time to build.

((She builds a set of stairs going up to the roof.))

TT: Nanna said to build, so that's what I'm doing.  
EB: oh yeah. ok.  
TT: But this sure is going to take a lot of grist.  
TT: Looks like you're going to be busy, John.  
EB: blargh!  
EB: well, what are you building?  
TT: Stairs.  
TT: They are fairly expensive actually.  
EB: oh man...  
EB: i could have warned you about stairs, rose!

((Rose deletes the plank she made earlier in exchange of grist. This sends a shale imp, which was standing on the edge of the catwalk for whatever reason, down into the dark, deep abyss below.))

TT: I'll try recouping some of the grist from the catwalk I built earlier.  
EB: IT KEEPS HAPENING  
TT: Ah, good. Looks like I can get a refund for earlier allocations.  
EB: i told you rose  
EB: i TOLD you about stairs!  
TT: Ok.  
TT: Consider me fully briefed on the matter of stairs.  
TT: Now if you don't mind, it's hard enough to concentrate on this without immersing ourselves in Strider's non sequitur.  
EB: did you know he thinks puppets are cool?  
TT: Does he?  
EB: he's so dumb!

Rose: Use build grist to construct observation tower on roof

((She makes what appears to be a floor on top of the house, connecting to the stairs.))

Ok, you obviously don't have enough grist yet for something that ambitious. But you can get started with something of a foundation for upward construction, at least.

John: Check cabinets for imps or useful items.

No imps in here. Just a lot of SHAVING CREAM.

Dads love shaving. It's basically all they do. (When they're not baking, that is.)

John: Bring 2 cans of shaving cream.

You captchalogue two cans of SHAVING CREAM just in case. You never know when you'll need to bust out a hilarious SHAVING CREAM SANTA BEARD to ratchet up your PRANKSTER'S GAMBIT.

Your TELESCOPE goes flying out the window.

((The telescope buries itself in the ground between the two halves of the broken piano. This scares the everloving fuck out of two shale imps nearby.))

John: Ride pogo ride.

It's a little cramped in here for any sort of proper reckless pogoing. You'll just grab it and hang on to it until the right moment presents itself.

((The towel is ejected from his syladex.))

The TOWEL floats back down to the rack.

The circle of stupidity is complete.

Rose: Check up on Nannaquin, see what's cookin'!

((Nannasprite is floating in the kitchen, looking quite proud of herself. Cookies are EVERYWHERE. They're stacked on the counter, table, floor, and oven. There are stacks on top of the fridge and pantry. The sick is filled with cookies. There are stacks of cookies underneath the table. A scent is wafting up from the oven, giving the idea that there are more cookies on the way. An imp is behind the table. It could be my imagination, but I think he's scheming to steal some of the cookies.))

((It wasn't my imagination. The imp reaches towards a cookie. The screen zooms in on Nannasprite's sweetly smiling face. It zooms out to show both the imp and Nannasprite. A blue laser comes out of her eye and kills the imp sending grist everywhere. Who says grandmas can't be badass?))

John: Make your way to the study.

((There are two imps standing guard at the top of the stairs. One is holding a barbed hook. The other is holding a harlequin head and shoving it in John's face. John looks very frustrated.))

((Imps are all throughout the living room and on the stairs. They are all engaged in their own shenanigans, one such shenanigan being balancing on an uncarved cruxite with a pie tin on its head.))

It looks like the imps have taken a shining to the CRUXTRUDER.

Cruxite and black goo. Everywhere.

John: Ride Slimer pogo and one-up that imp.

Well ok, it's not a Slimer pogo, but you mount it anyway and brandish your deadly armaments.

((He is bouncing on the pogo with a hammer in one hand and a can of shaving cream, which he is squirting everywhere for no apparent reason, in the other.))

John: Ride your steed to victory.

((He actually manages to kill the imp with the barbed hook using this tactic.))

((He starts going down the stairs, squashing an imp underneath his pogo ride. When he reaches the bottom of the stairs, the imp that was standing there steps out of the way, avoiding the fate of his brethern.))

This is incredibly dangerous!

John: Flip the fuck out.

Let's see how they like the old doublebarrel latherblaster WHOOPS OH SHIT.

((He is going crazy, bouncing around his living room without actually killing anything. Remember the imp I mentioned previously that was on the cruxite dowel? That imp jumps off of the cruxite dowel just in time for John, pogo ride and all, to land on it. He looks like he's on the verge of falling face first.))

((John and the pogo ride are sent flying across the room. John lands on his back. His health bar appears and shows that his health has decreased somewhat from this fiasco.))

mister john, respectfully ask that you please stand up.

((John angrily holds up the pogo ride in one hand and a shaving cream can in the other, aimed at the pogo ride. The imps look terrified.))

DON'T MOVE OR THE POGO GETS IT

now sir boy, flee from this boorish rabble post haste.

((John runs up the side of the chimney doing a flip in mid-air. While doing this flip, he manages to go in the direction of the study. He goes directly over an imp's head, knocking its harlequin hat off."NICE ABSCOND, DUDE!"))

((Rose picks up the fridge and brings it into the living room. The fridge still has cookies stacked on top of it. She pointedly drops it on the imp blocking the door of the study. She then pushes the fridge into the doorway. This causes the cookies to come off of the fridge and onto the floor. All the other imps watch all of this go down.))

Refrigerator: Level up for slaying the imp.

The REFRIGERATOR skyrockets up the ECHELADDER to a new rung: FIVESTAR GENERAL ELECTRIC and earns 285 BOONDOLLARS.

Things are really looking up for this feisty appliance.

((I just noticed that the fridge has a drawing of a green monster held up by a magnet in the shape of a harlequin. Cuz you know. These things are important to the plot of the comic.))

well done, john. polite congratulations.

For some reason you feel a sense of positive reinforcement. Wherever that feeling is coming from, it sure is a welcome change from your erratic moods earlier.

((An imp wearing a top hat is sitting at Daddy Egbert's desk, casually looking over the five cards it is holding.))

now my civil fellow, i have a well mannered query to ask

TT: I blocked the entrance to the study to give you some space to work with the Designix.  
TT: John, imps behind you.  
TT: Should I take care of it?  
TT: You trapped your PDA again, didn't you.  
TT: Why did you have to pick up all that stupid shaving cream?  
TT: So pointless.

((Another imp is in the study. It has a pipe in its mouth and a cane in its hands.))

Rose: Drop something heavy on one of those imps.

((She picks up the safe, takes it above the house, then drops it. It goes through the roof floor she made and lands on the can imp, giving it a swift death. The safe is broken open in the process. A very old copy of Colonel Sassacre comes out of the safe. A captchalogue card was beneath the safe. There was also a note of some sort taped behind the safe.))

john might i bother you for a can opener?

Oblivious to the commotion behind you, suddenly you find yourself pondering the whereabouts of a CAN OPENER.

You think there is probably one in the kitchen, but the path is blocked by your REFRIGERATOR.

((The top hat imp is now investigating the safe.))

John is completely unresponsive.

What the hell is that nincompoop doing?

((John is moving his hands up and down similarly to a balance and shaking his head in a contemplative way. All in all, he looks pretty baffled.))

Years in the future...

But let's not get totally carried away here.

A studious eye darts about a page like a honeybee gathering the nectar of wisdom.

((The vagabond has the book on human manners open in front of him. The page he's on says,"

TYPICAL HUMAN

"PLEASE"

"THANK YOU"

"YOU ARE WELCOME"

"GOOD DAY"

"HOW DO YOU DO?"

"SPLENDID AND YOU?"

GRATIFICATION

FURTHER COURTESY IS MUTUALLY CARRIED"

The vagabong rips the page out and eats it. The next page says, "

ABSURD VESTIGIOUS FORTH DIGIT IS CANTILEVERED

ELIXIR KNOWN AS "TEA"

EVERYONE IS POLITE"

The vagabond rips out and eats this page as well.))

==================================================================================  
[Z301] Appendix 3 - Screen Captures, pt. 1  
==================================================================================

I can't take as many as I'd like to for comprehensive documentation. For what it's  
worth, here's what I've managed to collect so far. More captures forthcoming.

((The following explanations of the pictures through the links are NOT BY ME. I got them from an msparp transcript. Kudos to the person who wrote it. By the way, it seems to be from Rose's perspective.))

/0413sprite ((Co-player John assesses environment after transition to Medium. Followed by Sprite, sans Kernel, prototyped once pre-hatch. Completely useless in this form))  
/0413power ((Severed from suburban grid, house remains mysteriously powered. Convenience presumably facilitated by game which perhaps deems navigating a powerless house to be a handicap less in keeping with spirit of game's principal statement of challenge.))  
/0413internet ((Internet connection remains stable as well. Will likely remain stable until the Internet itself is compromised by some external threat. Something like, oh, let's say hackers.))  
/0413build ((Kill monsters, get grist, build on to house. That's the game. Didn't know what the point of this was at the time. Floundering trial and error on exhibit.))  
/0413prototype ((Unsuccessful attempt at tier 2 prototyping. Knowing what I know now, I might have avoided using a back-breaking vade mecum for practical jokesters rife with antiquated lexicon and racist aphorisms. Either that, or I might have tried harder to succeed.))  
/0413disconnect ((Final screen capture before I lost my internet signal for a time. I don't know what happened thereafter, but when I returned, the car was nowhere to be found, and the driveway-plateau was in a state of disrepair. The mysteries - will they ever cease?))  
/0413nanna ((Sprite prototyped once more with grandmother's remains. She treats John to some helpful exposition in a friendly and maternal (grandmaternal?) manner.))  
/0413weirdo (( Co-player has displayed inexplicably capricious behavior since arrival. Stress-related? Contracted virus indigenous to realm? It should be noted he was kind of a weird guy anyway.))  
/0413designix ((Designix deployed. Still no clue what this does. At mercy of co-player's foolish prioritization tendencies.))  
/0413grist ((Grist payload from slain foe. Whether I deal the damage or co-player does, yield is same. Though I have a significant advantage in battle, taking measures into my own hands deprives John of hand-to-hand combat experience, which ostensibly will become more critical later.))  
/0413up ((Building; the point. Building upward; the point, sharpened and directed.))  
/0413steed (("Ah, steeds, steeds, what steeds! Has the whirlwind a home in your manes? Is there a sensitive ear, alert as a flame, in your every fiber? Hearing the familiar song from above, all in one accord you strain your bronze chests and, hooves barely touching the ground, turn into straight lines cleaving the air, and all inspired by God it rushes on!))  
/0413barbasolbandit ((Yeah, I... I have no idea what the fuck he's doing here.))  
/0413really ((Another one of these things. Really, Egbert family? Really?))  
/0413hmm ((A view of the kidhapped father's room. I can't see in here for some reason. Perhaps this is because John himself has never entered the room? It is possible that I can see only, in a sense, what John can see, or has seen already. I have not found the time to discuss this with him yet. If he enters the room, the question may answer itself.))

Rose: Construct loft above John's room.

((She makes four copies of the already existing chimney and puts them in a good position to hold a floor. I would also like to take notice that John's chest is still on the roof.))

((She makes a floor similar to the one she made directly on the roof. The difference being that this one is higher than the other.))

((She puts a ladder on top of the revised section of John's room leading up to the newest section of roof floor. I'm not sure as to how she plans to get John to get up there. It appears to be inaccesible.))

TT: Ladders seem to be a bit cheaper than stairs.

fellow john, it appears we have reached an impasse

Yes, it seems so.

((He is clearly contemplating the location of a can opener. Top hat imp is right behind him, looking like a villain out of a shitty movie.))

the opener dilemma remains unsettled, most unfortunately

It is unfortunate.

I guess.

What are we talking about again?

((Rose has dropped a bookcase on the imp. John is as oblivious as ever.))

but it has been a pleasure nonetheless.

Thanks for the courtesy.

It's not really necessary, but thanks anyway.

((A speech bubble declares that Dave is pestering John. John doesn't seem to notice that either.))

oh, but thank you

((John is extremely overwhelmed and confused. A speech bubble above his head is flashing between "PLEASE THANK YOU" and an image of the vagabond. Rose and Dave are pestering John at the same time. Rose is also hitting John with the now crumpled top hat that the imp was wearing previously.))

Ok.

thank you so very very much, dear favorable small primate

((Rose is either crying or screaming into the velvet pillow she snatched from the note on the fridge earlier. My guess woulod be that she's screaming, but you can never know for sure with these things.))

i shall take my leave now john. until next time

((He finally comes to his senses and notices the world around hm. He comes to realize that the study is even more trashed than he made it earlier with his shenanigans.))

Wait, where did all this sweet loot come from?

And why is there suddenly a crumpled hat on your head?

John: Gather grist, examine designix.

Feeling especially economical with your behavior suddenly, you scoop up all the grist in the room, and turn your attention to the PUNCH DESIGNIX all in one fell swoop.

The device features a counter-top station design with a KEYBOARD SETUP, not unlike an old fashioned computer. There is a blinking red light, and a DIAGRAM etched into a panel.

((The diagram shows a captchalogue card. The card is then flipped over. A small picture of the keyboard is next to that. Then the captchalogue card is shown above a line with an arrow pointing from the former to the latter.))

Rose: Answer Dave.

TG: ok wait hold on why am i getting this stupid game for you  
TG: youre the one who should be wrist deep in puppet ass  
TT: What is the specific problem?  
TG: the problem is i am up to my goddamn neck in fucking puppet dong  
TT: You know you like the mannequin dick. Accept it.  
TG: i am enrobed in chafing, wriggling god fucking damned puppet pelvis  
TG: an obscenely long, coarse kermit cock is being dragged across my anguished face  
TT: Let's put this into perspective. You put up with the puppet prostate because you love it.  
TT: Also, coarse is a good word.  
TG: you dont seem to harbor any sympathy for the fact that ive burrowed fuck deep into lively, fluffy muppet buttock  
TG: im whirling in the terrible cyclone at the epicenter of my own personal holocaust of twitching foam noses  
TG: its like a fucking apocalypse of perky proboscis here  
TG: like  
TG: the proboscalypse i guess  
TT: Are you going to start rapping about this?  
TG: what no  
TG: no listen  
TT: Prong of flesh bereft of home  
TT: Found solace 'twixt a cleft of foam.  
TG: no oh jesus  
TT: Of apocalypse your thoughts eclipse  
TT: A painted pair of parted lips  
TT: That dare through kiss to stir the air  
TT: That teases tufts of orange hair.  
TT: And though faces flush in lovers' fits,  
TT: Hands snug in plush as gloves befit.  
TG: ok dickinson if you can shut your perfumey trap for a half second  
TG: this is serious  
TG: i am just saying  
TG: if i see one more soft bulbous bottom being like  
TG: kind of jutting out and impudent or whatever  
TG: im gonna fly off the handle  
TG: im gonna do some sort of acrobatic fucking PIROUETTE off the handle and win like a medal or some shit  
TT: Then let's hope there will be a squishy derriere somewhere below the handle to break your fall.

John: Observe back of the first visible captchalogue card.

You flip over the top card containing your POGO RIDE. Any time you captchalogue something, a new code appears on the back of the card. You've always wondered what the code was for.

Damn these things are hard to read. But then, you've never really found any reason to decipher them.

Until now, perhaps?

John: Examine reverse side of hammer card in strife specibus

Looks like cards from your STRIFE DECK have codes too.

John: Enter captcha code as seen on back of pogo ride card.

You enter the code "DQMmJLeK" into the KEYBOARD. At least you think that's what the code is.

The red light switches off. A green light begins blinking.

John: Insert card.

((The designix punches rectangles into the pogo ride captchalogue card.))

John: Type in nZ7Un6BI

In the interest of due diligence, you enter the other code ((the one for the hammer)) and repeat the process with that card too.

Both cards are now punched with different hole patterns.

John: Attempt to retrieve pogo from card.

Oh, well that should just be a simple matter of...

Uh oh. It looks like it's trapped now. You don't see how you can access the item anymore, or store a new item there for that matter. These cards are pretty much useless now, and the items they contain are toast!

But maybe all is not lost. Recalling from your experience with the PRE-PUNCHED CARD, you may be able to use the cards to replicate the items in question.

Assuming you got the codes right, that is...

John: Mash keys heedlessly.

Not quite through with your cowboy empiricism just yet, you mash at the KEYBOARD to generate a random code.

You enter "dskjhsdk". The DESIGNIX stops you after eight characters, which appears to be the maximum length for a code. The green light goes on, signaling its readiness for a card.

You figure you might as well burn the SHAVING CREAM since the product is not exactly at a premium in your household. You also figure you might as well merge the two cans on to one card.

You're a little sad that your DAD isn't around for this. You have a feeling he would get a real kick out of the idea of duplicating more SHAVING CREAM.

You punch the card with a pattern that is in no way related to the code for the item it contains. This should make for an interesting experiment.

Mad science is a lot of fun.

Unfortunately, you just burned another card in the process. Your deck is really dwindling now. Maybe you should have thought this through a little better.

On the plus side, you just freed up your PDA, which is overflowing with the pent-up chatter of anxious pesterers.

((An imp is peeking in a window of the house.))

((A shadow covers the imp. The reader cannot see what or who is causing this shadow, but it's obvious that the imp is alarmed.))

((A large, white object comes flying at the imp. It hits the imp then crashes through the wall. John literally jumps from fright.))

((The large, white object, which can now be identified as John's bathtub, goes flying through the study through the wall adjacent to the door. Grist comes flying out of this hole, making it clear that the window imp is deceased.))

John: Answer your chums.

TG: PUPPETS  
TG: AWESOME  
TG: THATS REALLY ALL THERE IS TO SAY ON THE MATTER  
- turntechGodhead [TG] changed his mood to RANCOROUS -

TT: John, I'm about to throw a bath tub through your wall.  
TT: Watch out.

((John looks out the huge hole in the wall where the window used to be. There are stairs leading from just outside the hole upwards.))

EB: wow, that was so totally unnecessary!  
TT: I made a shortcut upstairs. I thought it would be a good idea to get up there and try the cards as soon as possible.  
TT: Also, you weren't being terribly responsive.  
EB: you mean these stairs?  
EB: man, look at these shitty stairs...  
EB: they're so narrow! i'm supposed to climb those?  
TT: They're perfectly navigable.  
TT: I'm saving on grist for now.  
TT: If you keep slaying foes, collecting grist, and expanding the cache limit, we may not need to be so economical with our resources in the future.

EB: so why didn't you just build a way up through that hole into my dad's room?  
TT: Have you ever been in there?  
EB: no.  
TT: Exactly.  
EB: huh?  
TT: I'd rather not get sidetracked.  
TT: I'm more interested in further exploring the mechanics of the game than watching you discover what sort outlandish harlequin decor your father keeps in his room.  
EB: oh come on. what's the big deal, i'll just climb up and go right through!  
TT: Will you?  
EB: yeah, why not?  
TT: Are you saying you've never wondered what's in there? Or why it's been kept a secret from you?  
EB: well, i mean yeah...  
TT: Then trust me. You won't be going "right on through."  
EB: wait, are you saying there's something, like...  
EB: troubling in there?  
TT: I don't know.  
EB: what do you mean? what do you see in there?  
TT: I can't see in there.  
EB: oh.  
TT: But I don't have a very good feeling about it.  
EB: pfff...  
EB: whatever!  
EB: i think i can handle a few more stupid clown paintings.

Rose: Move punched cards to John's room.

((Remember the punched cards are the ones with the shaving cream, hammer, and pogo ride.))

Rose: Drag some cruxite dowels up to John's room.

((She does so in a neat manner.))

John: Collect grist, examine safe

You swoop up the bountiful supply of grist generated by your co-player's recent exploits. From now on it will probably go without saying that you'll nab any grist lying around without making a big fuss over it.

You check out the busted SAFE, which has made a noble sacrifice in battle. Some of your father's odds and ends have spilled out, including some old NEWSPAPER CLIPPINGS, and two rather hefty TOMES. It's a fair bet that these books comprised at least half the weight of the safe.

John: Examine family tome of humour.

It's another copy of COLONEL SASSACRE'S DAUNTING TEXT OF MAGICAL FRIVOLITY AND PRACTICAL JAPERY. This one looks really old, perhaps an original printing. Could it be the same one involved with your grandmother's unfortunate accident on that fateful day? DAD would never speak a word about it, but maybe NANNA wouldn't be so tight-lipped?

You give it a cursory perusal. It appears to be similar to your reprinting, listing all the japes and chicanery you have come to know and love. You captchalogue it, thinking you may give it a closer look later.

John: Examine contents of safe.

((He pulls a second book from the debris of the safe. This book is titled "THE FATHERLY GENT'S SHAVING ALMANAC".))

You take a look at the other book. You're sure DAD thought this was a scintillating read, but it looks pretty boring to you. Maybe you'll crack into it some day when you're old enough to shave.

Everything in this safe was obviously very important to your father. You wonder why he kept it locked away from you?

Some things about him you will never understand.

((John pulls the newspaper clippings out of the safe. One headline reads: "Space Rocks Knock Local Burb's Block Off."))

It seems he has been collecting scraps from the news over the years. These articles go back decades.

John: Look at the piece of paper taped to the wall.

SON,

IF YOU ARE READING THIS, IT MEANS YOU ARE NOW STRONG ENOUGH TO LIFT THE SAFE. YOU ARE NOW A MAN.

AS SUCH, YOU ARE ENTITLED TO WHAT IS INSIDE. I KNOW YOU WILL TAKE THIS REPONSIBILITY SERIOUSLY.

I AM SO PROUD OF YOU.

John: Turn the card over.

02-49-13

You guess this is the combination to the safe.

This is completely useless.

John: Examine back of captchalogue card on floor.

You guess these are all zeros? Or are they capital O's? Zeros would probably make more sense for an empty card, you think.

John: Captchalogue the card.

((A carved cruxite dowel is ejected from his syladex. It goes flying out the hole in the wall into oblivion.))

John: Enter code on back of card into designix.

((The code is all ones. An imp is hiding in the bath tub.))


	8. Chapter 8

**((~~} There ya go. That sequence of symbols represents your average turn page without a command. Sorry**** for any confusion.))**

John: Punch card.

((John punches the captchalogued captchalogue card. There are two lines of holes going all the way across: one in the middle and one at the bottom.))

TT: Wait, John, before you punch that.  
TT: Oh.  
TT: I was about to say.  
TT: If you first took note of the code, then removed the card from the card, you could have punched the blank one.  
TT: You would have only burned one card instead of two.  
EB: oh yeah, you're right.  
EB: dammit!

John: Throw hat down in disgust.

((John throws the hat out of the hole in the wall. The hat then goes dow into the deep abyss below.))

John: Captchalogue punched captchalogued captchalogue card.

((His PDA is ejected from his syaldex. It very nearly follows suit of the hat, but luckily Rose catches it. "SWEET CATCH!" she gently places it down in front of John.))

What?

John: Take PDA.

((Colonel sassacre is ejected from the syladex. It smashes yet another hole in the wall. It lands on an imp standing out side of the house.))

The two card sylladex: inventory of dumbasses.

John: Level up!

((On his echeladder, he has upgraded from champ-fry to pesky urchin. He gets a new feather in his hat. His gel viscosity increases +15. His cache limit increases +40. His man grit increases +5. He also gains 200 boondollars.))

Colonel Sassacre: Level up for slaying the imp.

The Colonel soars to new heights on his ECHELADDER, reaching the rung: ONE MAN JULEP VACUUM, and pockets 9550 BOONDOLLARS.

Chump change for the genteel, aristocratic southern colonel.

Bathtub: Level up for slaying the imp.

The BATHTUB surges heroically and surpasses the rung: ARCHIMEDES' AQUACRADLE, proceeding directly to vaunted rung: TAFT-JAMMER. The tub makes off with a cool 490 BOONDOLLARS.

The tub's BASIN CAPACITY remains unaffected.

Safe: Level up for slaying the imp.

The SAFE was slain in battle. A great flaming nautical pyre carries it off to VAULTHALLA.

John: Make your way up those stairs, posthaste.

((He looks at the narrow stairs Rose made as a shortcut upstairs.))

You're not sure. They look pretty precarious to you.

But you've been assured the stairs are perfectly navigable.

~~}

(("LAD SCRAMBLE" He runs up the stairs without any of the caution he showed JUST LAST PAGE. He nearly falls off, but clings to them in an awkward position between the house and stairs.))

Lousy goddamn stupid stairs!

~~}

((An abnormaly large, black hand appears on the cliff-side of the small patch of land the house is sitting on. The other hand appears as does the top of a hat similar to that of a harlequin. The creature begins to pull itself up.))

Dave: Ignore Lil Cal and find the beta.

You wander over to the place where your BRO keeps his sweet turntable gear. Man that setup is sweet. You feel pangs of jealousy whenever you walk by it. Really cool jealousy, though. Like the kind where instead of getting all worked up about it, you don't actually give a shit.

One of your brother's rad and extremely expensive NINJA SWORDS is missing though.

You know this drill all too well. Trouble's a brewin'.

Dave: Take expensive ninja sword.

((The sword that was hanging on the wall above the turntables moments before disappears.))

What sword?

Dave: Exit your bro's room.

((Lil Cal suddenly appears sitting on the turntables.))

You approach the exit.

There's something on the door you haven't seen before. Looks like one of your BRO'S ironic comics he left for you to check out.

~~}

((Transcript courtesy of readmspa . org. I actually suggest you look at the real page for this one... It's somewhat bizarre and fairly hard to properly explain. You don't have to, but if you want go to www. mspaintadventures ?s=6&p=002465 minus all the spaces of course. If not, just keep in mind that it starts with Rowlf from the Muppets talking to Animal. The pictures don't look much like the characters, but it's pretty hard to not notice the names. :/))

"WHAT HAVE I DONE?  
ANIMAL, PLEASE START BREATHING, OH GOD, PLEASE BREATHE.  
HAHA, OK, MAKE-BELIEVE TIME IS OVER!  
OHGOD OHGODOHGODOHGOD...  
WHAT WILL NANNY DO TO ME IF SHE FINDS OUT? NO ONE CAN EVER KNOW. I HAVE TO HIDE THE BODY, BUT WHERE? THINK, IMAGINATION! ARGH, THE ONE TIME WHEN I REALLY NEED YOU!

click.

HELLO ROWLF.  
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME.  
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME.  
-T TO PLAY A-"

~~}

Ok, some of this stuff you KNOW he's just leaving around to get under your skin. This is obviously another ploy in his relentless siege of one-upsmanship to get your goat (the same goat you've been meaning to bleat like ironically, but that will still have to wait for a more appropriate time).

You think he knows that deep down you feel like you're still not ironic enough to get stuff like this, and this is probably some weird gauntlet he's throwing down to see if you will "GET IT".

But honestly you think this material is just a little TOO ironic. You just don't need to see this shit right now.

((Dave rips up the comic.))

Dave: Go into the kitchen.

No sign of BRO in here either.

Well, aside from the absurd quantity of awesome dangerous stuff he leaves lying around.

Dave: Transfer katana to strife specibus.

With an escalating sense of threat, you think it's time you SHIFT (9) your KATANA (9) to your specibus.

You figure it's better to free up the card anyway, since you might need to grab some of this stuff.

Dave: Set Blender to "Mix".

((A small, green puppet is in the blender. When he turns it on, blood can be seen in the container.))

You guess BRO stuck some FAKE BLOOD CAPSULES in that puppet? Pretty gross.

~~}

((An overly-creepy puppet with a white face, red eyes, red lips, and a black hood turns its head towards the blender. It's eye extends much like a camera on zoom.))

You spot one of your BRO'S many WEBCAMS nearby, recording the incident.

It seems you may have just been an unwitting accessory to some sort of grisly puppet snuff film. You're not totally sure how you feel about that.

~~}

((Using the katana he had stored in his strife specibus, Dave chops off the camera/puupet's head in one clean slice. The head lands in the blender.))

Dave: Captchalogue Buster Sword from behind microwave.

This might be the only thing in the whole apartment that's a bigger piece of shit than your own sword.

You put it back behind the microwave where it belongs.

Dave: Set blender to "Crush Ice".

It's just sort of bouncing around in there.

You're making a bit of a mess now.

Dave: Hide evidence in microwave.

((He opens the microwave to found tons of smuppets have been stashed in there. He has quite a difficulty with closing the door.))

See, like, his hobbies are cool and all, and you guess he's got to put his shit SOMEWHERE. But what if you just wanted to heat up a burrito or something?

This kitchen is pretty much useless.

Dave: Grab those fireworks.

You captchalogue all the FIREWORKS (2+1+2+1+2+1+2+2+2 = 15%10 = 5) the sink has to offer.

You just KNOW these are going to come in handy. Why would they be in the sink if they weren't?

Looks like one of them is still stuck in the GARBAGE DISPOSAL.

Dave: Captchalogue Shurikens.

You grab the SHURIKENS (5) and...

((The fireworks are ejected from his syladex. Dave catches them.))

Hey! Careful where you're putting stuff, especially if you're looking to turn your sylladex into a powder-keg full of sharp things.

~~}

You put the BOX OF FIREWORKS (3) back into card 5 and prepare to start ov...

Or card 3, apparently. That settles that, you guess.

Dave: Take nunchaku.

You take the NUNCHAKU (3), once again grabbing without thinking ahead.

((The box of fireworks is ejected from his syladex. He doesn't bother to catch it this time. he just slowly looks over at it with a look of "Really?"))

~~}

First you captchalogue the BOX (5) again, while adeptly avoiding the SHURIKEN trap, which you yourself set only moments ago.

((He jumps directly up in the air like a badass. "DUDE DODGE"))

~~}

You again round up all the FIREWORKS. Time to regroup here.

((he captchalogues the fireworks))

Dave: Captchalogue each shuriken individually.

You grab each SHURIKEN (3) one at a time, knocking out those NUNCHAKU.

But no worries. You've got a plan.

Dave: Captchalogue nunchucks.

You take the NUNCHUCKS (6). Everything seems to be in order now.

It would have been badass to go with the authentic Japanese names for each weapon, but sometimes you've just got to compromise with this modus.

Dave: Examine fetch modus.

You flip over your FETCH MODUS and check out the back.

You're not really sure where it is you're keeping this thing. Oh well, who cares.

Dave: Press EJECT button.

Oh hell no. Not after all that trouble you went through to get that stuff situated.

This is potentially a very dangerous button.

Dave: Change to Scrabble Points Hash Modus.

First you program your modus with a SCRABBLE POINTS HASH FUNCTION, adding it to the list.

A=1; B=3; C=3; D=2; E=1; F=4; G=2; H=4; I=1; J=8; K=5; L=1; M=3; N=1; O=1; P=3; Q=10; R=1; S=1; T=1; U=1; V=4; W=4; X=8; Y=4; Z=10;

This might be a cool function to use, but it looks like you'll have to empty your sylladex to select it. You're just not gonna do that yet. No way.

Dave: Check the box "detect collisions".

Ok.

Dave: Take the skateboard.

((A smuppet is sitting on the skateboard. It is blankly staring up at the ceiling with a huge smile on its face.))

And just what is this guy so happy about? What's he looking at up there?

You think if you see one more soft, bulbous bottom being like

kind of jutting out and impudent or whatever

you're gonna fly off the handle.

~~}

((He uses his katana to knock the smuppet off the skateboard, cutting off its long nose in the process. The nose neatly lands on the skateboard.))

~~}

You take the SKATEBOARD (6).

Actually, no you don't. A collision has been detected.

You take the... uh...

WHEELED...

uh...

RIDE (7).

Man, your inventory's nomenclature is getting lamer by the minute.

Dave: Captchalogue the unplugged powercord.

You take the POWER CORD (5)... wait, no. Not going to work.

Dave: Think of a new word for powercord.

You take the BATTERY PACK (8). Dammit.

You take the BATTERY PACK (9), using the 'Y' as a consonant. Your sylladex reluctantly accepts.

It's a tactic notoriously employed by hashmap noobs, but you just don't care about that now. Besides, it's not like your BRO is around to see.

((A quick flash of black can be seen in the room, on and off screen in less than a second.))

~~}

((The silohuette of a man with a base ball hat comes in and sets Lil Cal down on the stove wheer the skateboard used to be. The silohuette leaves just as quickly as it came.))

~~}

((Dave turns around and sees Lil Cal. He literally jumps in the air from fright.))

Dave: Search for some MAD SNACKS YO.

Oh, it was just Lil' Cal again. You can never stay mad at him.

Anyway, you've got to get this way rude hunger under control. You figure you oughta scope the fridge for some grub. This hunger is so ill-mannered it would make a room full of snooty dowagers commit mass suicide.

Dave: Open refrigerator.

Oh god more shitty swords.

Of course you knew these were in here. You're not even sure why you looked.

If you want to keep any food or beverages in this apartment, you've pretty much got no choice but to hide stuff away in your closet.

Dave: Take swords.

The hell with it. You try to take the entire JUMBLE OF UNBELIEVABLY SHITTY SWORDS and brace yourself for...

Looks like that works, actually. (2)

You captchalogue the JUMBLE OF UNBELIEVABLY SHITTY SWORDS.

Dave: Use ice maker, it's still hot around here.

You dispense several CHERRY BOMBS.

~~}

((A reflection of Lil Cal can be seen on the refrigerator.))

Wait...

Who's that looking at you in the reflection?

~~}

((He turns areound but doesn't see the puppet. The reader can see that Lil Cal is sitting on top of the fridge.))

Where'd the little dude scamper off to this time?

Dave: Captchalogue CHERRY BOMBS.

You go for the CHERRY BOMBS (9) unsuccessfully.

After mulling it over a bit, you take the RED SPHERICAL SALUTES (1).

Dave: Take blender.

BLENDER (2) is a pretty simple word, and you can already tell that's not going to work.

Instead you take the...

WHIRLING BLADE PITCHER (4).

That's really a much better name for it anyway, you think.

Dave: Activate garbage disposal.

((The single firework that was stuck in the garbage disposal spins some than goes down.))

Dave: Stuff down mr. purple guy into the garbage disposal.

((The puppet with its nose chopped off is promptly shoved down the drain after the firework.))

You're still not sure what he's so happy about, or what he's looking at up there.

~~}

While you're at it, you dump the contents of the BLENDER, oops I mean WHIRLING BLADE PITCHER, into the disposal. But you suffer an unfortunate GARBAGE DISPOSAL HEAD JAM.

((The reflection of a puzzle piece with the words "HELLO DAVE" on it shows up in the sink.))

You notice something in the reflection. Something above you.

Dave: Look up.

It's the hatch to the crawlspace above your apartment. BRO'S always tucking away in there when he's busting out his rad stealth stunts. He's so slick that dangling cord never even jostles.

You just know he's being ironic with these weird mind games. There's no way anyone could be serious about aping those shitty movies.

((The drawing of a puzzle piece with the words "HELLO DAVE" is written in red on the hatch.))

Dave: Use the turntables and cinderblocks to make a fort.

It's a pretty sweet fort you just made and you're pretty sure your brother would agree. Under different circumstances, you might be high-fiving over it right now.

But rather than get inside and take her for a spin, you really just need to use it to get up to that hatch.

((He haphazordly stand on the turntables which are held up by two stacks of cinderblocks (Why do they have cinderblocks in the apartment...?) He reaches out to grab the dangling cord.))

Dave: Yank cord.

It is time to face your destiny. No going back now.

~~}

((A fuck ton of smuppets comes raining down from the crawlspace. Really, what else was he expecting?))

~~}

((A look of horror crosses his face as he realizes his mistake. He is buried in smuppets. One in particular catches the reader's attention from the way it "SQUISH"es its butt on Dave's face.))

~~}

((The weight of the smuppets sends him flying off the fort (perhaps the metaphorical hook as well). He is buried underneath the superfluous amount of squishy rumps. He is trembling from either anger or fear, though I'm leaning towards anger with this one.))

Yeah, there was pretty much no way there wasn't going to be a bunch of puppets in there.

~~}

((Hew pesters Rose from the pile of smuppets.))

TG: ok wait hold on why am i getting this stupid game for you  
TG: youre the one who should be wrist deep in puppet ass  
TT: What is the specific problem?  
TG: the problem is i am up to my goddamn neck in fucking puppet dong  
TT: You know you like the mannequin dick. Accept it.  
TG: i am enrobed in chafing, wriggling god fucking damned puppet pelvis  
TG: an obscenely long, coarse kermit cock is being dragged across my anguished face  
TT: Let's put this into perspective. You put up with the puppet prostate because you love it.  
TT: Also, coarse is a good word.  
TG: you dont seem to harbor any sympathy for the fact that ive burrowed fuck deep into lively, fluffy muppet buttock  
TG: im whirling in the terrible cyclone at the epicenter of my own personal holocaust of twitching foam noses  
TG: its like a fucking apocalypse of perky proboscis here  
TG: like  
TG: the proboscalypse i guess  
TT: Are you going to start rapping about this?  
TG: what no  
TG: no listen  
TT: Prong of flesh bereft of home  
TT: Found solace 'twixt a cleft of foam.  
TG: no oh jesus  
TT: Of apocalypse your thoughts eclipse  
TT: A painted pair of parted lips  
TT: That dare through kiss to stir the air  
TT: That teases tufts of orange hair.  
TT: And though faces flush in lovers' fits,  
TT: Hands snug in plush as gloves befit.  
TG: ok dickinson if you can shut your perfumey trap for a half second  
TG: this is serious  
TG: i am just saying  
TG: if i see one more soft bulbous bottom being like  
TG: kind of jutting out and impudent or whatever  
TG: im gonna fly off the handle  
TG: im gonna do some sort of acrobatic fucking PIROUETTE off the handle and win like a medal or some shit  
TT: Then let's hope there will be a squishy derriere somewhere below the handle to break your fall.

Dave: Read the note on the hatch.

bro

roof. now.

bring cal.

where doing it man

where MAKING IT HAPPEN

((This note bothers me so much on so many levels. So many levels- you just don't even know.))

Dave: Burst out of the puppet pile like "the one".

((He jumps up out of the smuppet pile, swinging his katana around. He slices up many smuppets in the process. He yells in a rather badass-movie-kind-of-way.))

Dave: Be the other guy.

You are now the other guy.

John: Take dowels and sheets from bed and make a tent.

((He puts a dowel on top of his dresser in the middle of his room. He throws the sheet over it, then uses dowels to hold down each corner.))

This is so much fun.

A huge waste of time, yes. BUT SO MUCH FUN.

~~}

((Rose throws the entire thing down into the dark abyss below.))

**((Hey, I know it's been awhile since I updated and that this is a lot shorter than usual, and I'm sorry bout that... Life kinda just smacked me in the face saying, "No, fuck you. You can't hide away from the world in your room for your entire life no matter how much you REALLY FUCKING WANT TO." So yeah. I'll try to update soon, but no promises because life is still in the process of bitch slapping me. ;-;))**


	9. Chapter 9

John: Carve a totem of the punched pogo card.

You put the punched card containing the POGO RIDE in the slot, and carve a TOTEM from one of the CRUXITE DOWELS.

John: Repeat process with other cards and dowels.

You use the card containing the code for the HAMMER, as well as the one with the random code you punched over the SHAVING CREAM card for the hell of it. You carve the respective TOTEMS for the cards.

John: Do same thing with captchalogued captchalogue card.

You make a TOTEM for a CAPTCHALOGUE CARD.

Pretty bare bones looking totem, if you ask you.

Rose: Collect totems.

You stow the totems in your ATHENEUM.

((This gives her the option to build a pogo ride, hammer, unidentified item, and captchalogue card so long as she has the proper amount of grist to do so.))

Rose: Produce captchalogue card.

The ALCHEMITER requires one unit of any type of grist to produce one card.

You decide to use SHALE, since it seems less generally useful than BUILD GRIST as of now.

You make a whole bunch of them.

~~}

((She gently places the stack of captchalogue cards in front of John, much to his apparent joy.))

EB: whoa, did you just make all these?

TT: Yes.

EB: sweet, thanks!

EB: what did you do with all the blue wobbly vase-looking things?

TT: I brought the totems out to the alchemiter to test them.

TT: I'm taking some things into my own hands to save some time.

EB: ok.

~~}

((Two imps look like they're becoming curious about the alchemiter considering the completely unsupicious way it keeps making shit out of thin air and allowing it to materialize on an out-of-place platform.

You create a HAMMER at the expense of 2 units of BUILD GRIST.

~~}

((The imps are standing on the platform, one investigating the hammer that appeared moments before.))

You make a POGO RIDE too. Minus 5 BUILD, 1 SHALE.

~~}

((The imp that isn't holding the hammer sproings around on the pogo ride. he hops out of the way just in time to get out of the way of the next object Rose makes using the alchemiter.))

You use the TOTEM carved with the random code. You create a...

A ROCKET PACK?

With some random crap stuck inside it. Looks like a CINDERBLOCK, a VIOLIN, and a FLOWER POT. The items have rendered the device completely inoperable.

~~}

((Rose drops the rocket pack on the imp holding the hammer.))

You figure you might as well put this piece of junk to use.

John: Collect cards.

Using a little strategy, first you grab HARRY ANDERSON'S "WISE GUY", BY MIKE CAVENEY, then the cards, then your ejected PDA, then the book again to flush the cards into your deck.

Nice going!

John: Turn on "detect collisions".

You flip your FETCH MODI but find no such option.

This is idiotic.

((There are two buttons on the back of each fetch modus: filo and fifo. Seemingly, the only thing this does is dictate whether the fetch modus is orange or pink. Pathetic and pointless really.))

John: Read book. Be the wise guy.

((Transcript from read mspa. org. Thank you internet for making my life easier.))

_An Introduction: Who's This Wise Guy?_

_"Blood Loss in the Big Easy"_

_New Orleans, 1977. The close-up room at the Magic Castle was this mean little box that tended to fill up with so much smoke you'd swear someone was cremating a wet dog in there._

_In walks Anderson. There isn't much that gets liquor to pause its journey from the table to my lips but I'll be the bastard lovechild of a listless octoroon if that kid wasn't the cat that swallowed the canary in a dapper little hat. It looked like he was testing the tensile strength of his suspenders to the damn near limit with a pair of cocky thumbs. I wasn't impressed._

_But I was a fool._

_Somehow in my motion for another beverage he'd already slipped into polite conversation at a table held down by some notoriously brusque regulars. He had them in no time flat. They were melting butter in his glass ramekins. Whatever tidy yarn he'd spun to win them over, I didn't catch a word of it. One of them laughed. I was angry. Envious? Maybe a little. Yeah, you bet I was._

_[Harry and I never speak anymore.]_

_Anderson had one of those little wooden finger choppers that Micky Hades used to sell. The kind where the blade could be removed and clearly shown. It was a very convincing little guillotine that did not look like a novelty store toy. Harry would get a guy to examine the chopper and then cut a cigarette in half. Then he held the guy's hand up and told this silly story. The story of course was artifice, a distraction for the guy and the audience while he worked his stuff with the chopper._

_Or it would become that, once his famous chopper trick was perfected, vaulting him to fame, fortune, and the crowning position in the television judiciary._

_With what became his signature aplomb, Anderson was in moments a font of breast-pocket gauze, profuse apology, and redoubling determination. It's really amazing how hard it is to find a bloody sausage-sized piece of a guy on the floor of a room that dark and smoky. Impossible, I think we all proved. Just as impossible as Blind Willie Buttermilk Stubbs was going to find it to work his trumpet tomorrow night without his "twiddlin' fingers", a_

You never really understood what Caveney's relation to Anderson was, or why he wrote this book about him. His ambivalent attitude toward your favorite magician in these anecdotes always struck you as a little weird, and to be honest, you tend not to read much of the text in the book. You mostly like to look at the diagrams for all the cool tricks.

~~}

((Same source; same greatness.))

_"A Hole in the Ace"_  
_(a.k.a. The A-Hole Trick)_

_Here is a perfect example of how Harry could ruin several decks of cards, waste everyone's valuable time, and have you love him for it. He was good at that._

_One day he noisily emptied his suit jacket pocket onto the hood of his car in search of change for the meter. A clunky metal thing slid from the pile and bounced on the sidewalk. As I retrieved it for him I asked what he was doing with a hole puncher in his pocket._

_His face lit up at the question like he was an elf and I asked him how he felt about climbing into the hollow of a big tree to back some cookies or something. (The two foot, six inch height differential between us causes these comparisons to enter my mind.)_

_A small crowd had already gathered around even before he produced the first pack of unmolested cards. How people seem to gather, and how they even know a street performance is about to take place, I'll never know. It's perhaps Anderson's greatest trick. Luring the marks like that._

_I wanted to ask if he was sure about this, performing in broad daylight. He was used to working in dark rooms. It was usually the first thing out of his mouth when he would queer a trick. "I'm really more accustomed to working in a darker room than this." But Harry was excited, and had already butchered the first deck of cards with the hole puncher, and issued the first round of apologies to the crowd. These were the primer apologies, the sort that got the folks loosened up a bit before the seven course meal of ingratiation that would inevitably follow._

_He asked me for a fresh deck of cards and I gave him one._

_The principle behind the trick in theory, as he explained to me later, was to punch holes in what appeared to be one card, but was in fact two or more together (hence the difficulty he often had in squeezing the puncher with his little elfish hands). Then using some coy maneuvers with his thumb, temporarily concealing the hole while he slid the card beneath it with his palm, the hole would seem to disappear, or move to another part of the card._

Oh yeah, that's right. The old HOLE IN THE ACE trick, interestingly enough, pertaining to punching holes in cards and making them "disappear" and stuff. Your hands were never really strong enough to make this one work all that well either.

But actually... this gives you an idea.

~~}

You overlap two of the punched cards. They mask each other's hole patterns.

((The two cards are the hammer and pogo.))

John: Put both cards in totem lathe.

You carve another TOTEM using the new combined hole pattern.

John: Take it to the alchemiter.

Oh man, looks like Rose made like a million hammers for some reason.

Get all this shit out of the way, you're about to make something sweet!

((John jumps onto the alchemiter and kicks off all the hammers, screaming like a maniac the whole time. He also collects the grist left from the imp Rose crushed using the screwed up rocket pack.))

~~}

((What could be described as a pogo hammer with a black, green, and white color theme appears on the platform of the alchemiter.))

~~}

((John proudly holds this newfound weapon in the air, a determined look on his face.))

You got the POGO HAMMER.

John: Practice with new weapon.

((An imp watches on in slightly concerned shock as John wildly "BOING"s the pogo hammer on either side of the platform he's standing on.))

TT: What did you do?  
EB: i combined the cards in the lathe thingy and made this!  
EB: it is so sweet, man look at me go.  
TT: I see.  
TT: That was a really good idea, John. Nice work.  
EB: thanks!  
EB: i got the idea from harry anderson.  
TT: Who?  
EB: uh, you know the show night court?  
TT: No.  
EB: oh.  
EB: well bottom line is...  
EB: he's awesome  
EB: that's really all there is to say on the matter!

John: Attack the nearest imp to test pogo hammer's strength.

((John attacks the imp on the pogo ride.))

You get a vicious rhythmic bouncing combo going and easily slay the imp in one blow.

You and the POGO RIDE are catapulted sky-high in the process.

(("BOING" that's really all there is to say on the matter!))

~~}

((The pogo _ride_, not to be mistaken with the pogo _hammer,_ can be seen flying through he air, well above the highest structure Rose has built at this point.))

~~}

((The pogo ride comes down and pegs an imp, knocking it out of the tree in John's front yard.))

~~}

((Rose catches John using the bed. He, on the be, and his pogo hammer land on one of the platforms Rose has built on top of the roof.))

"SWEET CATCH"

~~}

((One rather mischievous imp picks up a wayward hammer off of the roof and smiles widely. Also... Rememebr the hole Rose made in the wall of Daddy Egbert's study? Yeah, the leg of what appears to be a *giant* imp can be seen through that hole. Keeping in mind that the hole was made by a bathtub and all that can be seen through the hole is its leg, you can tell it's pretty damn big.))

~~}

((Another gigantic imp can be seen climbing up from the deep abyss below onto the small patch of land the tree is on.))

Rose: Pester John.

EB: hey, that was a pretty, uh...  
EB: nice...  
EB: uh...  
TT: Sweet catch?  
EB: ... save.  
EB: oh, yeah.  
EB: that.  
EB: this is pretty comfy.  
EB: why don't you just like,  
EB: carry the bed around with me on it?  
EB: up to the gate up there!  
TT: I can't interact with you directly, or anything that you are touching, if it will result in moving you.  
TT: See?  
EB: oh.  
EB: lame!  
TT: The game probably regards that as a kind of cheating.  
TT: In a way, thieving you of your free will as an adventurer, and the need to advance by your own skill and ingenuity.  
TT: The server player is just a facilitator.  
EB: well, ok.  
EB: all that scurrying around kind of wore me out, i think i'm going to rest here for a bit.  
EB: rose, can you keep the imps at bay? like, drop some stuff on them if they sneak too close.  
TT: No, you should pick up your hammer and defend yourself.  
EB: what, come on!  
TT: I have no idea what the hell Dave is up to, or if he's any closer to recovering the game.  
TT: There's some stuff I'd like to try, in case he doesn't come through.  
EB: oh alright.  
EB: i'm just gonna rest my eyes here a second though.

[S] John: Sleep.

((John looks directly up to see another of those blue sburb patterns from the loading screen. It can be seen reflecting off his glasses. He gently falls asleep to the soothing, simple colors and patterns.))

Rose: Check Alchemy Excursus.

Looks like a sort of index documenting all the known results for punch card alchemy combinations.

This could be a convenient resource as you start to stumble on more useful card combinations. But ever since John started punching cards, you've been contemplating other ways this item manufacturing system could be put to use. In particular, if you obtain the code for any item at your disposal, you think you could theoretically send the code to John and he could make it himself.

That is, if you can think of anything that would be worth sending to him.

Rose: Captchalogue Sburb Server CD.

You eject the disk and captchalogue the SERVER CD.

((Fire is making it's way into the cat mausoleum through the small window.))

Rose: Message John the Captcha code ((for the Sburb Server CD, in case that wasn't clear)).

((There is no code on the back of the card. "SLAP"))n

Oh God damn it.

~~}

((It is simultaneously raining normally along with a shower of fire coming down. The generator is shaking wildly, leading me to believe that it will explode soon.))

~~}

((It doesn't explode, but it does stop working. Rose's laptop dies.))

~~}

(("FACEPALM COMBO X2" Rose is very obviously upset about all of this.))

[S] John: Wake up.

((First the reader sees an array of clouds in various shapes that can easily be connected to John and his dad. The last cloud is in the shape of the silohuette of a girl. P.S. It's not Rose and I really want to just say who it fucking is. Two things appear on screen in quick succession: the Sburb loading screen and a pumkin. Then John is seen waking up, surprised. Someone is pestering him.))

~~}

((An imp is fearfully hiding behind the bed while John stands in front of the bed, oblivious to the other's presence.))

GG: hey!  
EB: whoa, there you are!  
GG: how is your adventure going john?  
EB: it's ok, i am making some progress, and rose finally connected again so she is helping me now.  
GG: thats good!  
EB: oh but, like...  
EB: i don't think i am actually saving the world here. :(  
EB: i dunno what i'm really accomplishing but i guess it's not that.  
GG: hmm well i think whatever it is it must be pretty important!  
GG: dont lose hope john i think it will all turn out for the best if you stay positive...  
GG: just keep listening to your grandmothers advice!  
EB: yeah, you're probably right.  
EB: but, um...  
EB: i don't think i mentioned nanna to you, did i?  
GG: oh uhhh...  
GG: i dont know didnt you?  
EB: hmm, i dunno, maybe you talked to rose or dave about it or something.  
GG: yeah maybe that was it!  
EB: they're really weird when they talk to me about you, like they're always trying convince me you have some spooky powers, but i'm always like no she seems like a pretty regular girl to me!  
GG: heheheh :D  
EB: but then when i think back maybe there are times when it seems like you know some things?  
EB: like maybe you know more about a thing than you are telling me? i dunno.  
GG: oh well john  
GG: i want to explain lots of things to you...  
GG: some things that i know  
GG: im just...  
GG: waiting!  
EB: waiting for what!  
GG: oh! john!  
GG: i forgot i was messaging you about that meteor that fell near my house!  
EB: oh yeah.  
EB: what ever happened with that?  
GG: oh boy... well...  
GG: it turns out i was confused about it...  
GG: really confused! o_o;  
GG: see i guess i fell asleep for a while and...  
GG: lost track of time  
GG: that happens!  
EB: yeah i know, tell me about it!  
EB: maybe you should like, wear an alarm clock or something.  
EB: so what was the deal with the meteor?  
GG: well...  
GG: its hard to explain!  
GG: but...  
GG: i know what it is now!  
GG: and now i know everythings going to be ok!  
EB: so what is it?  
EB: or is this just another thing you're "waiting" to tell me?  
GG: oh gosh john i really want to tell you all this stuff!  
GG: but i cant yet  
GG: i really think you need to wake up first!  
EB: huh?  
GG: well ok not literally  
GG: well ok maybe KINDA literally!  
EB: AUGH!  
EB: stop being so confusing!  
GG: lol :)  
GG: anyway time for you to go john  
GG: i think you have some company!  
GG: 3

- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at ?:? -

John: Quickly grab the pogo hammer.

((The imp ducks down out of sight behind the bed.))

You stick the POGO HAMMER back in your STRIFE SPECIBUS and get ready to kill some more of these pesky little...

Huh? What's that?

((John looks out towards the edge of the roof to see _something_ climbing up.))

~~}

((Its feet are shown dangling from the roof, kicking a hole in the wall right above the alchemiter. The giant imp starts to pull itself up using Sassacre, the dumb bastard.))

~~}

((John hides behind the bed next to the imp, both of the trembling in fear.))

- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at ?:? -  
EB: rose, why aren't you dropping something on that thing?  
EB: oh no  
EB: D:

John: Be the imp.

((The imp jumps off the roof platform, using an open umbrella to slow its descent.

You be the imp and quickly abscond the fuck outta there!

This is what weaker adversaries do whenever things get too hot to handle, which is frequently.

John: Prepare for a boss battle.

You stop being the imp because that was stupid, and scurry over to your MAGIC CHEST that you suddenly remembered was on the roof. There are some things in here that would be good to stock up on for a major battle.

But it looks like someone has plundered your chest! This is so outrageous.

~~}

((Two normal-sized imps are shown shitting around near the tree. A giant imp is using John's bedroom window to climb up to the roof. If it wasn't entiely shattered from John's episode with his syladex earlier, it is now fully shattered.))

~~}

((John jumps up in shock when the large, grasping hand of a giant imp reaches towars the roof and himself, of course.))

You are being ambushed!

There isn't much room to maneuver on this sloping roof. Maybe you should consider making your way to higher ground.

John: Ascend to the highest point of the house.

You go up here.

((John senselessly "BOING"s the roof with his pogo hammer, piquing the curiosity of a nearby imp.))

John: Look down.

((Grist lays where the imp was killed in John's mindless excitement. R.I.P, Mr. Impicus. Because that is the name I just randomly gave it. Yeah. Anyways, John peeks over the WRONG FUCKING EDGE OF THE GOGDAMN PLATFORM, leaving his back completely open to attack while the giant imps steadily climb up the side of the house. What even is this dumbass thinking?))

You peek over the edge.

~~}

It already seems like a long way down to your yard. Not even to speak of whatever's below.

Hey, weren't your TRICK HANDCUFFS dangling from that branch earlier? Dammit, why do imps got to be making off with all your sweet gear?

John: Turn around...

((Two crude ogres atand before him. They look identical to your average imp except bigger and meaner. These ones also have tusk-like things coming from their mouths. Shit is about to go down.))

You are confronted with a pair of enormous foes.

This is it. You have no choice but to wage a fierce rooftop battle. This is totally going to happen now, and could in no way conceivably be interrupted by a sudden shift in our attention. It's go time. It's time to do this thing.

where doing it man

where MAKING THIS HAPEN

((I have so many issues with that last part. ;-;))

**((Nope. Fuck you. Chapter ends here. Happy early Mother's Day to anyone who gives a shit. ^u^))**


	10. Chapter 10

Dave: Stop being the other guy.

You stop being the other guy. You're not even sure what that meant anyway.

[S] Dave: Ascend to the highest point of the building.

((Dave reads the note left by his brother once more before crumpling it in his fist. He looks upwards dramatically. Dave becomes a flurry of movement as he prepares for whatever the fuck is about to go down. He captchalogues a bunch of the smuppets before doing an "ACROBATIC FUCKING PIROUETTE" onto the top of the fridge where he grabs Li'l Cal. He grabs a katana and swipes it through the air in a badass manner. Li'l Cal is being held partially sideways by Dave. The image zooms into Cal's blue, glassy eyes and golden tooth. Dave kicks open a door leading to a stairwell. He makes his way up to the roof. The stairs are shown reflecting in Dave's glasses. The image zooms in close to Li'l Cal's creepy puppet face once more. Then Dave reaches the roof. The image zooms in on the sky which appears as a flaming red with the sun barely distinguishable. Zooming out, we see a reflection of the sky in Dave's shades. The entirety of his body appears to be red in the heat. Dave's appearance returns to normal. He scurries across the roof and sets Li'l Cal down on the edge of the roof. The image zooms out to show meteors pouring from the sky. Some of the tall buildings on the horizon appear to be crumbling to the ground. The image zooms back in to show a black silhouette sneak up on Dave and steal Li'l Cal, much to Dave's alarm. Dave jumps into a defensive stance with his katana in hand. The screen flashes to white with the word "PSYCHE" A nerdy-looking girl with long-black hair, buck teeth, and big, round glasses is shown in a garden area with flowers and a pumpkin temporarily before the screen flashes back to nothing but words. "OH WAIT" "X2 DOUBLE PSYCHEOUT COMBO!" The image then shows the Wayward Vagabond standing in the room with many cans and a human edicate book. There is also a plant and a pumpkin in this room. Finally this long-ass clip is over. I only had to watch that like a million times to get all that down. XD))

~~}

You are now the Wayward Vagabond.

WV: Retri...

((WV raises his arms in the air for all to see.))

Got em already.

WV: Examine rotten pumpkin.

((Remnants of the rotten pumpkin can be seen in the corner it had been sitting in as well as on the cloth covering the area where the Vagabond's mouth should be.))

What pumpkin?

WV: Check the little red bar.

((Notably, the little red bar is underneath an image of the sburb loading screen logo. Both the bar and the logo are on a large machine.))

It appears to be a gauge for a large POWER CELL, perhaps fueled by some type of nuclear reaction. If this is the case, it is relatively low on fuel. But who knows how long it has been running here?

You do not care about this sort of nonsense and you will disregard it at once. You are very hungry.

WV: Captchalogue can of gravy.

Captchalogue? You have no idea what that means. It is total nonsense and you do not know what to make of it. You will not give the foolish notion a second thought.

WV: Pick up the can of gravy. Just pick it up.

You just pick it up.

You are now holding the CAN OF GRAVY.

WV: Use sharp teeth to poke a hole in the lid of the can.

((WV "NIBBLE"s on the gravy can.))

Your teeth are useless for the task! They are blunt like that of livestock, presumably suitable for mashing up plant matter, and not for puncturing metal.

WV: Attempt to open can with your weak pathetic digits.

((WV "DOOK"s the can with his fingertip.))

Your WEAK PATHETIC DIGITS are not strong enough to penetrate the can!

Your fingers are certainly pointy enough, and your black carapace is suitably rigid, but you just don't have enough muscle for the task.

WV: Take the can labeled BEANS.

((He picks it up.))

Ok, you take that too.

WV: Examine can of custard.

The can clearly reads "MUSTARD", a fact of which you were perfectly well aware.

It is sort of cumbersome holding all these cans at once. You doubt you can hold many more than this. Maybe one or two.

You'll need to find something to put stuff in if you want to carry a lot of things around.

WV: Examine marking on wrist.

You drop all the cans and take a look at your wrist.

~~}

It is a sort of specialized BAR CODE PATTERN.

((Holy fuck are you thinking what I'm thinking))

This brings back unpleasant memories and you would prefer not to dwell on it.

((The specialized bar code pattern resembles a chess board.))

WV: Examine the small potted plant.

What plant?

((The pot remains as does the dirt and a slight nub of the plant, however the majority of the stem and its single leaf are gone. "BURP"))

WV: Check book on Human Etiquette.

It appears half the pages of this book have been eaten. The daunting volume is considerably lighter than it once was.

~~}

You are somewhat skeptical about the nutritional value contained by these pages. However, of the practical wisdom they contain there can be little doubt. You have learned so much.

((WV opens the book to a page explaining that you should use silverware.))

WV: Clear out all the cans inside the purple machine.

You empty the peculiar cabinet and take a quick inventory of your canned goods.

You have BEANS, MUSTARD, GRAVY, BREAD, SHRIMP, ASPARAGUS, CHEESE, RICE, CORN, PEAS, FLOUR, CHESTNUTS, MAYO, HAM, POTATOES, and SQUASH.

Such bountiful plenty. And yet the delights taunt you from within their small metal prisons.

WV: Search room for can opener.

You have already looked all over the place for a CAN OPENER, even making a few electronic inquiries about one, to no avail.

Nothing else inside the purple thing either.

WV: Locate a nearby sharp object.

You wield your TRUSTY KNIFE.

It is actually a...

You're not sure what they're called. It's an old rusted one of those red mailbox arm-swing flappy doodads, either for letting you know there is mail in the box, or maybe for alerting the mailman to outgoing mail to be collected. You don't know, really. You've wrapped a little piece of cloth around it for the grip.

It is useless for opening cans.

WV: Be the imp.

This means nothing to you. You are not an imp, you have no idea what an imp is, and you will not entertain such frivolous and childish ideas ever again. You feel stupid and hate yourself a little for even considering it.

WV: Become the mayor of Can Town.

As the glorious founder and mayor of CAN TOWN, you erect a dignified, majestic CITY HALL out of cans, fittingly capped off with a tome of good manners for the roof. You have given yourself a very official and important looking MAYORAL SASH made out of old cables to complete your look of authority. A number of rather civic-minded CITIZEN CANS gather in front of the building to offer adulation to their fair and magnanimous leader. All is well.

~~}

You immerse yourself in this beautiful dream as you whittle away the minutes, or perhaps hours.

You love the idea of being a mayor. You love everything about mayors, and the concept of an orderly, civil democracy. It all seems so mannerly and reasonable to you. Everyone is friendly and happy, and the city runs like clockwork. The foundation of the government is based on mutual respect between the leader and its people. It is also built on having a really great mayor that everyone loves who is totally amazing and heroic and brave.

~~}

Mayors are so much better than kings. You hate kings and you think kings are really stupid. They are petty, bossy tyrants and are really full of themselves and are basically awful in every way.

God do you hate kings.

WV: Explore west of Can Town.

Over here is the other side of the room. There is another one of those purple storage boxes, and some useless objects scattered on the floor.

((The useless junk appears to be: chalk, a bug caught in a piece of amber, some oil/gasoline, and a radioactive rock.))

WV: Use glowing green rock to open cans.

You pick up the nugget of URANIUM and...

((He eats it. He appears to be electrocuted. "BURP"))

Oh that was so stupid. Why would you do that?

WV: Examine box of crayons.

It's chalk numbnuts.

~~}

Inside the box, there are 12 pieces of CHALK in every color of the...

((The yellow-green and green chalk disappear with a "CHOMP"))

10 pieces of chalk. In most colors of the rainbow.

You are excited by this.

WV: Try to open the storage box.

It's locked!

There must be some sort of release mechanism for this thing.

WV: Examine contents of yellow container.

The container is full of MOTOR OIL. This does not seem useful to you right now.

WV: Rescue that poor lightning bug.

There is nothing you can do for this new little friend. Attempting to crush the AMBER encasing the FIREFLY would likely cause it harm.

It nevertheless bravely flashes on. You find its light alluring. Inspiring.

To you it seems as if it could quite easily serve as the light of...

~~}

((WV places the trapped lightning bug inside the city hall.))

Democracy.

WV: Use the chalk to draw some roads.

You sketch a handsome network of sprawling thoroughfares for your citizens to traverse. The adoring population applauds its mayor's keen instincts for city planning.

You even add some lush vegetation to your city with a piece of blue chalk, because you can't seem to find a more suitable color for some reason.

WV: Lay a chalk foundation for Can Town's civic growth.

You develop westward, settling those fertile plains and claiming them for your city.

You section off a number of RESIDENTIAL AND COMMERCIAL ZONES for civic growth, arranged in the only logical pattern that occurs to you.

You color the RESIDENTIAL ZONES with your piece of white chalk, but for some reason none of the colors in the box strike you as suitable for the COMMERCIAL ZONES. Perhaps there is an alternative.

WV: Use your own pee for the commercial zones.

You cannot urinate because you have not had anything to drink in quite some time. You are very thirsty.

Also that is a really terrible idea and you would not consider befouling your wonderful city in that way for even a moment.

WV: Use motor oil to designate commercial zones.

You fill each empty square with a bit of MOTOR OIL to complete the zoning. ((This greatly resembles a chess board, if you can't quite picture it in your mind.)) It looks rather striking to you. You can hardly imagine that an up and coming young can trying to make it in the world would not be delighted to live in your fair district.

You are very careful not to get any of the unpleasant fluid on your person.

WV: Peel label from can of MAYO and affix to sash.

((He does so and uses a piece of red chalk to write the letter R after MAYO.))

WV: Survey surroundings in search of more terrain for city.

It seems you have run out of territory for your western expansion. But there is still a lot of empty wall space. Perhaps your citizens would be happier with a colorful backdrop that would make them feel more at home.

~~}

Using most of your imagination and an entire piece of sky-blue chalk, you render a bright and cheerful sky full of clouds.

You have decided that very closely orbiting your city is a LUMINOUS PLANET, about which orbits a single MOON.

You switch to another shade of blue and continue rendering on the western wall.

~~}

Orbiting much further from your city are FOUR PLANETS. None of these have satellites, you have decided. Yes, that makes sense, you think.

~~}

And on the southern wall, beyond an impenetrable veil of darkness, occupying the furthest orbit yet, there is an OMINOUS PLANET. A MOON circles this one too.

WV: Check that rampaging boy on the screen.

Oh yeah, it's that guy. You had almost forgotten about him and his confusing shenanigans.

It seems like he has things well in hand at the moment. He does not appear to need your help, and you have already concluded that he cannot help you, at least for the time being.

WV: Turn on the other 3 screens.

You have no idea how to turn these on!

There is no mouse for this weird quadra-monitored computer. It can only be operated through text commands from its keyboard.

Perhaps there is a special key or command which will allow you to switch to another monitor?

WV: Press Tab.

~~}

((The aforementioned locked compartment bursts open sending pink cans of TAB to the floor.))

~~}

((WV is shown fully pink on a pink background staring in awe as two cans of TAB dance in the air. Another image is shown- still all in pink- in which he's excitedly looking between two cans of TAB, one in each hand.))

WV: Consume several cans.

You free the heavenly brown elixir from the jewels of pink carapace and imbibe like the wind.

It is so sweet and sugary. You wonder how so much sugar can fit in one can. Whatever mighty wizard concocted this potion is truly deserving of your fear and respect.

WV: Welcome the rest into the city.

The TABS are naturalized as loyal new citizens of CAN TOWN. All cans are welcome and equal in your city, regardless of can content, and whether empty or full.

It's not like emptying a can kills it or anything. They are just cans after all.

WV: Hit escape.

Feeling refreshed and heavily caffeinated, you go back to work on the big computer.

You hit ESCAPE, which seems to minimize the action window thingy and reveals a history of all the commands you've entered.

~~}

DO THE POTTED VEGETABLE  
INSTEAD. IT LOOKS DELICIOUS.  
JOHN FLAIL ABOUT IN A  
DISTRACTING MANNER.  
INSPECT HAG ASH INCIDENT.  
DO AGAIN AS PURPLE WORDS  
SAY.

IGNORE THIS WOMAN'S ANTICS.  
INDULGE THE DEVICE. BUT BE  
CURT WITH IT.  
ENOUGH STRANGE POETRY FROM  
THE RED TEXT.  
THE PURPLE TEXT IS LESS  
IRRATIONAL THAN THE RED TEXT.  
RIDICULOUS FOLLY. INEXCUSABLE.  
WHAT COLOR ARE THE WORDS  
THAT THIS CHUM SAYS?  
THE GREEN TEXT WAS ATTRACTIVE.  
NOW VIEW THE RED TEXT  
AGAIN.  
JOHN WHAT ARE YOU DOING.  
STOP DOING NOTHING.

TROUBLING. INVESTIGATE THIS.  
JOHN, PURSUE ADVERSARY INTO  
THAT ROOM.  
THIS CHUM WILL KNOW WHAT TO  
DO.  
READ YOUR BOOK. STAY WARY  
OF THESE FOES.  
JOHN TURN AROUND!

======!  
JOHN, SALVAGE YOUR WEAPON  
AND FIGHT ON!  
YOU SAID  
PUT THE BUNNY  
BACK IN  
THE BOX!  
NOW EXULT. VICTORY, SPOILS  
ARE YOURS.

WHAT ABOUT THAT CARD.  
OK.  
GATHER THE SCATTERED BITS  
OF YOUR LARGE HAMMER.  
NOW REPAIR THE HAMMER.  
FINE. NOW WHAT  
THE DOOR, JOHN. LOOK AT THE  
DOOR.  
INCREDIBLY ALARMING. INVESTIGATE.  
WHAT THIS IS SO OUTRAGEOUS  
INTERROGATE THIS MADWOMAN.

GO ON. ==

ME? ==  
A QUEST OF FUTILITY THEN.

==!

YES I WILL HAVE TO AGREE  
WITH THE FLOAT HAG ABOUT  
THAT.  
THE HAG MENTIONED COOKIES.  
PURSUE HER.  
JOHN YOU DO NOT SAY NO TO  
COOKIES. I COMMAND YOU TO  
GET THEM  
JOHN. COOKIES. NOW.  
THIS IMPUDENCE IS INSUFFERABLE.  
GO GET THE COOKIES!  
JOHN YOU ARE STUPID.  
STUPID STUPID DUMB  
FOR THE LAST TIME I COMMAnd  
you to get the cookies boy  
mister john, respectfully  
ask that you please stand  
up.  
now sir boy, flee from this  
boorish rabble post haste.  
well done, john. polite  
congratulations.  
now my civil fellow, i have  
a well mannered query to  
ask  
john might i bother you for  
a can opener?  
fellow john, it appears we  
have reached an impasse  
the opener dilemma remains  
unsettled, most unfortunately  
but it has been a pleasure  
nonetheless.  
oh, but thank you  
thank you so very very  
much, dear favorable small  
primate  
i shall take my leave now  
john. until next time

((This transcript is-yet again- typed up by someone with even less of a life than myself. Such people should be praised for their hardwork towards some of the best fandoms.))

You use the arrow key to scroll up a bit. You can't believe how much you've already typed into this stupid contraption. What a waste of time.

~~}

You scroll all the way up to your first command.

It looks like there are more commands above it. Maybe someone was entering commands on this thing before you?

There aren't many more. At the top of this list appears to be the very first command.

}~~} HOME

}~~} VIEW

}~~} SWITCH 2

}~~} SWITCH 3

}~~} SWITCH 4

}~~} SWITCH 1

}~~} ESC

}~~} LOCK ROOM 3 PASS ********

}~~} VIEW

}~~} REBOOT

} BOY.

} YOU THERE, BOY.

WV: Type = SWITCH 2.

((The top left screen turns on to reveal the face of the large wizard statue in Rose's house. The connection is somewhat static-y.))

You activate SCREEN 2.

The signal is garbled, and you have no idea what you're looking at. Some sort of filthy beggar pleading for help?

No one is around, And nothing is happening. You seem to be locked out of any sort of interaction with whatever's happening on this monitor.

WV: Type = SWITCH 3.

((Dave appears on his roof in the bottom left screen. Floating next to him is a sprite similar to John's. This sprite appears to take on the form of a crow with a katana going through its chest.))

It's another one of these rapscallions. This monitor is locked too. You can't tell him what to do. Not that you really want to, since it just looks like more confusing nonsense to you.

You consider switching to SCREEN 4, but decide against it. You have a feeling that whatever's there would just confuse you even more, and you don't even really care all that much anyway.

WV: Type = HOME.

All four screens activate. Together they display a countdown, starting at four hours and thirteen minutes.

((Above this countdown is a picture of a house split up into several sections. This is thought to be the official Sburb logo.))

WV: Type = REBOOT.

You can't! Nothing is working anymore. The timer seems to have disabled the keyboard.

WV: Be the mayor.

Enough of this nonsense. You are an important mayor and this absurd contraption has wasted enough of your time. You've got a city to govern with a carapaced fist! (Which is to say firm, yet polished, and supple as the situation demands.)

Anyway this will help you kill some time while you wait for that clock to count down.

WV: Create employment opportunities for the citizen cans.

You temporarily dismantle CITY HALL to free up all the canpower available to create a vigilant TOWN MILITIA. You divide them into two groups, marking them with distinct teams and ranks using the piece of white CHALK and the MOTOR OIL. You then organize them in phalanx across the countryside, preparing for a stiff training regimen. When you are through with them, your forces will be a well oiled machine. Chalk another one up to bold leadership!

((The top of each can is also marked with symbols referring to chess.))

[S] WV: Lead your men to victory!

((He appears to play a full blown game of chess all by himself.))

You waste more than four hours on this tomfoolery.

WV: Mourn the loss of citizen tab.

Your caffeinated jittering must have agitated all the little bubbles curiously hidden in the liquid, creating too much pressure in the can. You speculate this is why it exploded as you nervously eye the timer.

You are starting to wonder what will happen when it reaches zero. Maybe it would be best not to be near it when this happens.

((The timer is down to four minutes and three seconds.))


	11. Chapter 11

Minutes in the future...

Though perhaps not as few as implied by circumstance...

A PEREGRINE MENDICANT trundles precious cargo beneath the gleam of the celestially ominous.

((A person similarly dressed as the wayward vagabond is strolling through what is seemingly the same desert-like area. This person, assumably the peregrine mendicant, is pushing a shopping cart full of scuffed up mailboxes. A close up on the peregrine medicant shows something bright in the background. It would be easy to assume that this speck of light is a star, if it weren't for the fact that it's clearly daytime.))

WV: Go outside and get some sun.

You say a bittersweet goodbye to your beloved city. It is time to move on to greener pastures. By which of course you mean an arid, sandy wasteland upon which nothing green has grown in years.

~~}

The door shuts behind you. A panel on the door becomes illuminated.

As you ponder over the marks on the panel, you hear another mechanical sound overhead.

~~}

((Bars cover what is seemingly WV's only escape from the confined area.))

~~}

The LCD PANEL appears to have a touchscreen interface.

((The panel shows an image of a circle with three rectangles in it. Each rectangle is connected to a circle in the middle. In the circle is a shaded in triangle. Each rectangle also has one of three symbols in it: the official Sburb logo, the Sburb loading screen design, or a triangle pattern. I have a sneaking suspicion that this is a diagram of the structure he is in. I think the shaded triangle represents either WV or the panel he's looking at.))

WV: Curiously prod the funny-looking spirograph.

((Apparently the word for the odd image shown for the Sburb loading screen is a spirograph, because that's what he taps on. "The more you know..." If you know that reference, you have won my respect.))

It appears the funny-looking spirograph room is locked!

~~}

The floor rotates a full 360 degrees beneath you, while the surrounding wall seems to stay put.

((A yellow substance on the floor spins and bunches up at WV, who had fallen down during the spin.))

WV: Select the triangley fractal.

The triangley fractal room does not appear to be locked.

~~}

The floor turns 120 degrees and the door opens.

((WV nearly falls again but manages to remain standing.))

~~}

You go through the door to find another room. It's the same size as the other one you just wasted all that time in, while a clock was ticking down to something which may or may not be your doom. Maybe there is something in here that will help you escape.

Against the wall there is another perplexing contraption.

~~}

Against the opposite wall is some sort of CONTROL PANEL which catches your eye.

It has two large screens, but only one appears to be active. There are fields for numbers which appear to be modifiable with the dials to the right. Some numbers are already supplied by default, perhaps entered by the previous user. There are a few buttons below, the largest one bearing the symbol marking this room.

Also it looks like there is a METER STICK propped up there for some reason.

((There are also two computer screens. One shows an images of the planet Earth with lines of longitude and latitude. On each side of the big button are smaller green buttons that will probably be explained better later.))

WV: Attach your trusty knife to the meter stick.

You immediately craft a MEASURING SPEAR through possibly the most advanced form of alchemy employed thusfar. This is obviously the most important thing to do first.

OBVIOUSLY.

~~}

Or it WOULD obviously be the most important thing to do if you had remembered to bring your TRUSTY KNIFE.

You feel so insecure without your TRUSTY KNIFE, it makes you want to slit your wrists. Or at the very least, flog your carapace with some sort of measuring apparatus.

((If you remember, he put his trusty knife in the pot where the plant used to live.))

WV: Look at the other wall.

You examine the perplexing contraption across the room. You of course have no idea what it could possibly do.

((This machine looks somewhat similar to the alchemiter in the fact that it has a platform and something above it that looks like it would make/transport something. Keep in mind, this is just speculation.))

You adopt the only obvious course of action which is to poke and prod it with your HANDY RULER. You are quite sure this is what science is all about.

WV: Press the triangle pattern.

You go back to the CONTROL PANEL which probably obviously controls that gizmo and you push the big blue button which is obviously probably the most obvious thing to push.

~~}

((The screen that used to have four sets of number now shows one big word- "APPEARIFY". A pumpkin is zapped onto the platform of the gizmo. This pumpkin happens to have a carving of a dog's head on it.))

You appearify a PUMPKIN.

WV: Examine pumpkin.

It seems this mysterious gourd was transported (appearified!) from a specific time and location somewhere on this planet you are on. You wonder if the machine (APPEARIFIER!) will take any object that exists at whatever time and location you supply.

There is a symbol carved on the PUMPKIN. You don't know what it means, and you doubt it will ever prove to be relevant in any way. ((Take that as a hint. This will become VERY FUCKING IMPORTANT.))

WV: Devour pumpkin.

You consider dining on the ripe flesh of the plump vegetable, but your curiosity about the APPEARIFIER gets the better of you.

You try to sneak a nibble from the pumpkin nonetheless.

((He awkwardly nibbles on the stem of the pumpkin.))

WV: Inspect green buttons.

You first examine the attractive GREEN BUTTONS.

The icon for the one on the left is that house shape you've seen plenty of times before.

The right one on closer inspection appears to be the map for this underground facility, with an X marking its center.

WV: Press green button on right.

You push the button. All of the numbers change.

Perhaps these are the coordinates for the location of the center of this facility, along with the local date and time? If this is the case, it would make a useful reference point for your current bearings.

WV: Fiddle with the dials.

One way to find out would be to attempt to appearify something from this facility.

It should be easy to zero in on a location relative to the center because you have an uncanny knack for tracking precise distances you have already traversed, in whatever units you choose.

Your HANDY RULER gives you a good clue as to the BASIC UNIT OF HUMAN MEASUREMENT. You will go with that.

WV: Appearify your trusty knife.

You nudge the coordinates very slightly and bump up the elevation by 0.5 HUMAN MEASUREMENT UNITS. You make sure to keep the time approximately what it was to begin with.

You appearify your TRUSTY KNIFE.

WV: Appearify Can Town.

You nudge the numbers a bit more and appearify a bunch of cans. This is so much more efficient than walking back to the other room to get them.

You are to believe that time is at a premium, after all.

WV: Deappearify the pumpkin.

Does this machine look like a DEAPPEARIFIER to you? Honestly, the idea that an APPEARIFIER could both APPEARIFY and DEAPPEARIFY things is so laughably ridiculous, you would wish someone would DEAPPEARIFY your brain and REAPPEARIFY it with a brain that is more smart and less dumb.

WV: Use trusty knife to carve spook schema in pumpkin.

What the hell are you talking about? That idea makes no sense at all and is basically meaningless. Try using that mushy stuff in your gourd next time.

Instead you just carve off the top, exposing a decadent cache of gorgeous, seed-laden ambrosia.

Needless to say you consume all of it rather quickly. But it turns out to be too gross for us to watch.

WV: Move spirograph switch.

You cannot move it! It has a spirograph-shaped indentation, and possibly will require a special kind of key to turn it.

WV: Appearify firefly out of the amber.

((The firefly is freed and gently settles on WV's hood.))

~~}

You release your blinky new friend. You will give her a name when something suitably whimsical occurs to you.

WV: Adjust time dial to appearify rotten pumpkin.

You and SERENITY consider new ways to waste more time with the APPEARIFIER. You are assuming she is a girl firefly even though you are not really sure that fireflies can even be girls.

You target the extremely tasty ROTTEN PUMPKIN that was sitting in the other room hours ago.

~~}

It seems the APPEARIFIER cannot appearify something if it will create a TIME PARADOX.

A GELATINOUS GHOST PUMPKIN appearifies and quickly dissolves into a pile of UNAPPETIZING SLUDGE.

((The word "PARADOXIFY" appears on the number screen.))

WV: Appearify the grate over the entrance to the facility.

Serenity blinks a message of urgency. You nearly forgot that while trapped in amber she was witness to all your tomfoolery and dillydallying in the other room, and knows the timer is about to expire. It is time to get this show on the road and escape.

You reset the coordinates with the RIGHT GREEN BUTTON again, and this time only adjust the elevation by approximately 10 HUMAN MEASUREMENT UNITS.

~~}

((The bars from above the exit appearifies onto the platform with its ends white hot.))

[S] WV: Hasten to the exit post-haste!

((A timer appears in the left hand corner showing he only has thirty seconds until the timer goes off. "HURRY UP!", blinks Serenity. He has some dificulty with getting the last can into the pumpkin. he uselessly throws it around for a while before throwing it at the machine where it lands on the reset button. He attatches his trusty knife to the end of the meter stick. he plays with it, as if it were a decent spear/sword thing. He grabs the lid of the pumpkin. "IS THIS REALLY NECCESARY?", blinks Serenity. He uses the now empty pumpkin to carry his cans. He attempts to use the top of the pumpkin to cover the top but fails. He impatiently eats it. "THIS IS REALLY SILLY" Serenity blinks an admonishment. WV grabs his pumpkin (which now has a handle for him to hold? when did that happen?) and hatsens to the exit post haste. He climbs about halfway up before stopping. He then falls back to the bottom, all of his cans and his pumpkin falling down on him. This is replaced with an image of WV pounding on his head rapidly with his fists as well as six smaller, more cartoon-y versions of him wearing a dunce hat."PSYCHE?"))

oh wait.

"UNPSYCHE"

You attempt the rare and highly dangerous 5X CLIFFHANGER COMBO, and fail.

We are doing it, man.

We are making this happen.

[S] WV: Ascend.

((Footprints are shown going all over the vast, desert-like land. WV is shown emerging from the underground structure. The huge structure he is emerging from is apparently a white cylinder with the Sburb logo on it. The only reason I know this is because the entire thing comes shooting out of the ground like a rocket, which WV is currently riding. The rocket moves toward "A CONTINENT WESTWARD". The image zooms in on John's neighbor hood from far above. "AND YEARS IN THE PAST BUT NOT MANY..." A meteor is shown blasting towards the stereotypical sburban area. The meteorite crashes onto the ground, creating a huge crater. The land nearby became extraordinarily dry. The crater eventually filled with sand. An enourmous tree grows where the crater used to be. An apple shaped object grows on the tree. It has the Sburb logo on it. It falls from the tree intop the sand below. The Peremine Mendicant is shown pushing her cart of mailboxes. the "star" in tje background is revealed to be WV on his rocket cylinder. WV peeks over the edge of his cylindrical rocket to see the Peremine Mendicant investigating the apple-like object, which we can now see is even larger than your average sized person. The image quickly changes to a volcano erupting "AND YEARS IN THE PAST BUT NOT MANY" "NOT MANY" is promptly crossed off. The screen quickly zooms out to show the night sky. A spirograph appears releasing a metor. The meteorite smashes into the land directly next to the volcano. The crater caused by the metorite gets half-way filled with lava which solidifies. A temple of sorts is built in the middle of this area with pillars around it. At the top of the structure in the middle is a statue of a frog. This area flourishes with plants. The vegetation is replaced with water. Water covers all the land nearby disincluding the volcano and a circle of small islands closeby or attatched to the volcano. Vegetation is especially plentiful on these islands. The temple grays and ages. Lilly pads grow in the water and clouds fill the sky. The scene abruptly changes to show Rose's angry-looking face in the light of the meteor-caused fire. She helplessly bangs on the generator in the rain. A tree crashes down hitting Rose/the generator. The scene changes once again to show Rose's mother standing in the hallway, glass in hand. She is shown to pressa button a panel, opening a secret passage in Jasper's mausoleum where the cat laid before Rose vandalized its tomb. Scene change. A purple city appears. In this city, Daddy Egbert is being escorted by two imps. His hands are bound by the missing trick handcuffs. One of the imps has a weapon. Daddy Egbert releases himself from the trick handcuffs witha simple flick of his wrist. he turns on the imps, wielding a can of shaving cream in one hand and a cake in the other. The imps blanch in fear. Scene change. Dave is standing on his roof, katana in hand. Meteors are poouring from the sky behind him. Bro Strider his supposed "guardian" is shown as a silohuette agaianst the fiery sky with a katana in hand as well. Li'l Cal is not far from Bro. The light of the fire is shown gleaming off of Bro's anime shades. Scene change. The cylindrical rocket is flying along. A gauge appears, saying the rocket has run out of fuel. It lands on a rocky ground. WV has landed directly next to the crater where the frog temple is, however the land is dry and rocky.))

~~}

((The last image of the video [S] WV: Ascend. is shown in between red curtains which promptly close.))

END OF ACT 2

((I want to end the chapter here, despite the shortness, for obvious reasons.))


	12. Chapter 12

Dear John,

((A note has been left in the Sassacre book found in the locker.))

You are no doubt reading this as a handsome and strapping young man! Why, the mangrit needed to lift the book is itself a sign of your maturity, not even to speak of the wisdom needed to grasp the nuance of Sassacre's time-tested mischief. I am so proud of you, grandson!

How I wish I could have delivered this heirloom to you in the flesh. But I am afraid it wasn't in the cards! For you see, John, like you, this book must yet take a journey! Its journey will end on the Final Day of my life, and even then will continue some. Though I suppose that will be up to your Father. Perhaps he will discuss it with you one day, when he and you are ready.

But it is your journey I am writing about to wish you luck! There will come a day when you will be thrust into another world. And once you arrive, that is only the beginning! You will soon delve even deeper into a realm of Warring Royalty in a Timeless Expanse. A realm of Agents and Exiles and Consorts and Kernelsprites. Of toiling Underlings and slumbering Denizens. A realm where four will gather, the Heir of Breath and Seer of Light, the Knight of Time and Witch of Space, and together they will Ascend.

John, if only you knew how important you were! I regret my passing came so early in your life. And yet I feel in my heart we have already met. But what I know for sure is that we will meet again!

Until then, John, I do hope your Father keeps you well fed!

With love, Nanna

P.S. HOO HOO HOO

ACT 3 ~~}

A silly girl naps by her flowers. It is quite likely that she tired herself out with a variety of silly antics, as silly girls are often known to do. She may have a silly name too. Or maybe not. It is hard to say for sure without asking her.

But since she's slumbering peacefully, it would be a shame to wake her up. You might as well just give her a name right now.

Enter name.

Uh...

I guess...

I guess her name is Farmstink.

(("FARMSTINK BUTTLASS"))

Wake up!

You try to roust Farmstink from her slumber, but she is really down for the count!

It looks like she is holding some sort of NOTE.

Retrieve arms from...

THEY'RE RIGHT THERE.

IN PLAIN SIGHT.

LOOK, THEY ARE FLASHING RED.

Drop pumpkin on Farmstink.

((A mouse clicks and drags a pumpkin with the same dog head carved into it as the one appearified by WV above Farmstink's head. It disappears with an "-IFY" just before falling on her head.))

What pumpkin?

You see no pumpkin, and frankly it is hard to imagine there ever was a pumpkin, in plain sight or otherwise.

Anyway, that would be a really terrible thing to do to poor, sweet Farmstink.

Read note.

farmstink?

that is incredibly silly and a little bit rude! my name is ==[insert heart here since less than signs do not work on this site]

Try again.

(("JADE HARLEY"))

~~}

((Jade wakes up and stands, blinking the sleep from her eyes.))

Examine room.

Your name is JADE. You have just woken from a restful nap, and as usual, you have no recollection of having fallen asleep. You have quite a number of INTERESTS. So many in fact, you have trouble keeping track of them all, even with an assortment of COLORFUL REMINDERS on your fingers to help you sort out everything on your mind. Nevertheless, when you spend time in your GARDEN ATRIUM, the only thing on your mind is your deep passion for HORTICULTURE.

What will you do?

[S] Jade: Play a silly flute refrain.

((The reader is given the chance to make Jade play the flute using keys A-Y. Z makes her fall asleep.))

~~}

Wow, you really suck at this thing!

Maybe you should try playing an instrument you actually know how to play instead, like the one in your bedroom. Honestly you have no idea where this flute even came from. Things seem to appear and disappear around here all the time. Especially, to your unending chagrin, any sort of large orange gourd that might be lying around.

You consider throwing the flute down in disgust.

Jade: Captchalogue flute.

On second thought, it was a perfectly nice flute and there is no reason to take your frustration out on it. You just need some practice.

But before you captchalogue the FLUTE you will need to set your FETCH MODUS first!

Jade: Set modus.

[rollover above with mouse]

You have a wide variety of FETCH MODI to choose from. You were really excited when your GRANDPA bought you this MODUS SET for Christmas. He is a total badass, even if a little strict.

You typically opt for the MEMORY MODUS when it comes to matters of day-to-day practicality.

((There are many options: memory, operation, guess who, ouija, battleship, jenga, connect four, clue, yahtzee, monopoly, pictionary, and boggle.))

Jade: Select Memory.

You set your modus to MEMORY, and captchalogue the FLUTE. You allot 9 cards to the modus from your deck, since that will be more than enough for your needs at the moment. The modus grabs 9 more cards for matching purposes.

The FLUTE is split up on two blank cards, and mixed randomly into the grid. To retrieve the item you must first pick one card, and then pick its matching card.

For the typical sylladexer this modus presents a frustrating guessing game and a lot of wasted time on mismatching. But you like it because you seem to have a knack for always guessing right on the first try!

Jade: Squeal like a piglet and fertilize some plants.

It is an awfully silly idea and is basically a waste of everyone's time. You will predictably disregard this thought and focus on more sensible objectives at once.

~~}

((She squeals like a piglet and hops from table to table of plants, throwing fertilizer as she goes.))

oh my god this is so much fun

~~}

You captchalogue the BAG OF FERTILIZER.

Jade: Consult colourful reminders.

You tend to have a lot of things on your mind at once, and you can be a little forgetful. So you keep a variety of COLORED STRINGS on your fingers as reminders. Each one means there is something different to remember at a certain time.

In fact, looking at your index finger reminds you that there is something important to remember now! It is your friend John's birthday. The green string reminds you that John's birthday package will arrive today. The blue string ALSO reminds you that John's birthday package will arrive today, though in a way that means something slightly different.

You are further reminded that you have some things to do outside your house soon. But you should stop by your room first for some supplies, and most importantly, to see if John is online and wish him a happy birthday!

((She has eight colored strings on her FOUR fingers (including thumb) in case you were wondering.))

Jade: Captchalogue the pumpkin growing next to you.

You snap up that PUMPKIN which seems suitably ripe for the taking. Hopefully the safety of your sylladex will prevent it from being spirited away like so many of its ephemeral predecessors.

Jade: Exit this room.

((She heads towards a spiraling staircase.))

~~}

You make your way to the middle of the GARDEN ATRIUM, where a stairwell joins the four ATRIUM WINGS.

Upstairs is your grandfather's LABORATORY as well as your BEDROOM.

((In the middle of the stair case is a platform with the triangle pattern from before. I suspect it is a transportalizer or some such other thing similar to it.))

Jade: Captchalogue something.

Your MEMORY modus is hardly any fun without much stuff in it, so you decide to stock up on fresh produce to fill some more cards.

You pick a juicy red CRAB APPLE.

~~}

You go pick a nice looking KEY LIME.

~~}

Then a delicious MANDARIN ORANGE. Those are your favorite.

~~}

And finally a ripe yellow EUREKA LEMON.

~~}

Modus fun aside, you feel it is impossible to have too many fresh fruits and vegetables on hand.

Jade: Go upstairs to bedroom.

((She stands on the platform and disappears witha flash of green, firey light.))

You almost never use the stairs.

~~}

You TRANSPORTALIZE upstairs. Just above is your room.

Jade: Ascend.

You enter your bedroom. On this side of the room you are immediately confronted with numerous artifacts highlighting your various INTERESTS.

~~}

You are an avid follower of CARTOON SHOWS OF CONSIDERABLE NOSTALGIC APPEAL. You have a profound zeal for marvelous and fantastical FAUNA OF AN ANTHROPOMORPHOLOGICAL PERSUASION. You have an uncanny knack for NUCLEAR PHYSICS, and not infrequently can be found dabbling in RATHER ADVANCED GADGETRY. You enjoy sporadic fits of NARCOLEPSY; your love of GARDENING transcends the glass confines of your ATRIUM; and you are at times prone to patterns of PRECOGNITIVE PROGNOSTICATION.

You consider very briefly the question: What will you do?

But you quickly realize this is only one half of your room, and is therefore host to only half of your INTERESTS to choose from.

Jade: Explore the other half of your room!

Over here there are yet more articles of your aforementioned INTERESTS, and then some.

Additional telltale signs of your enthusiasm for NOSTALGIC TELEVISION mingle with your assortment of GAME HUNTING FIREARMS. You are a SKILLED MARKSWOMAN, though your cross-hairs would never settle on an innocent creature, ANTHROPOMORPHICALLY PERSUADED OR OTHERWISE.

Your worktable is littered with equipment to facilitate your tinkering. For you, experimentation is not a particularly exact science, and you lean heavily on SHARP INTUITION for consistently and eerily optimal results. Nevertheless, you have still not been able to get that broad, flat gizmo there to work, which is a design you have borrowed from one of your GRANDPA'S more mysterious inventions.

You are a great admirer of his, and you are not alone. Your grandfather is a WORLD RENOWNED EXPLORER-NATURALIST-TREASURE HUNTER-ARCHEOLOGIST-SCIENTIST-ADVENTURER-BIG GAME HUNTER-BILLIONAIRE EXTRAORDINAIRE. He has taught you everything you know.

But in spite of all his lessons, it is still difficult to escape his stern lectures when you are on the way out of the house to run your errands. He spends most of his time in the GRAND FOYER, stewing in his own intensity and charisma.

~~}

And today will likely be no exception. Among the errands you have planned is to venture out to find your pet and best friend named BECQUEREL. This animal must be fed and he will not be happy if he is not. And if he is not happy then you will not be happy.

But first you really should dig out your COMPUTER and say hi to John!

NOW...

What will you do?

Jade: Quickly retrieve firearms from wall.

You equip your trusty HUNTING RIFLE. There would be hell to pay if grandad caught you leaving the house without it.

((She allocates her strife specibus to riflekind.))

Jade: Wonder why the design on your shirt changed.

There isn't much to wonder, really. You left the WARDROBIFIER on its randomization setting.

~~}

You may contemplate which shirt design you favor the most and commit to that setting in the near future.

Jade: Captchalogue nearest Squiddles doll and hug it.

Just before you can grab one, the powerful ELECTROMAGNETS concealed in their underbellies become activated, and two of them get all tangled up with each other playfully.

((Two squid stuffed animals are attracted to each other. Jade claps excitedly. "TANGLE BUDDIES"))

~~}

You captchalogue the TANGLE BUDDIES.

Jade: Lose interest in fauna and never speak of it again.

Oh, but you could NEVER do that.

What marvelous creatures they are. What a daring dream, to combine the finest qualities of humanity with the elegance and nobility of the animal kingdom. How you wish you could know their world. To hear one night those muted pawpads traipse up your stairs. A low but friendly growl unsettles your slumber, and as the sopor seeps from your eyes they detect a sharp pair of ears cutting moonlight. A mysterious wolven tongue invites. Wouldn't these ears suit you? Would not this proud long snout assist you in the hunt?

No need to answer. Words slough from the busy mind like a useless dead membrane as a more visceral sapience takes over. Something simpler is in charge now, a force untouched by the concerns and burdens of the upright, that farcical yoke the bipedal tow. It now drives you through the midnight brush, your paws whisking through creepers, unearthing with each bold stomp bright odors demanding investigation. But not for long, as you and your new friend must claim the night with piercing howls moonward.

You eat a weird bug and don't even care.

Jade: Pick up your toys!

((She picks up an odd doll. It has the head of a man with pink hair and a pink moustache. It has a green body with bird (?) feet. It has human hands. Kind'a freaky, in my opinion.))

Speaking of which, you pick up and admire one of your MANTHRO CHAPS. They are wonderful friends and are always cheerful and pleasant fellows.

Why dear Mr. Coxcomb, how ever will you be received at the BARNYARD GALA without the trappings of a proper gentleman?

Each MANTHRO CHAP comes with a number of accessories, including articles of FORMAL ATTIRE, a VACCINATION KIT, and a DISHWASHER-SAFE SLOP TROUGH.

Jade: Organize all your dolls.

You gather all your dolls into a rather cozy looking pile.

Jade: Change wardrobifier setting.

You deactivate the WARDROBIFIER'S randomization mode and set it to cycle through these three shirt designs.

The decision was tough, but you think you came to the best possible conclusion.

((She chooses the spirograph, atom, and sun.))

Jade: Look out window.

It is another beautiful day in your neighborhood. It is peaceful and quiet as usual. A rather imposing VOLCANO looms over your house, which has been inactive for centuries.

Though dormant on the surface, the volcanic activity deep underground provides your house with a source of GEOTHERMAL POWER. You are not sure why your grandfather decided to draw from this source of energy when he had the UNLIMITED POWER OF THE ATOM at his disposal. But it has been this way for as long as you can remember.

You have chalked it up to your family's longstanding propensity for eclectic fursuits wait you mean pursuits.

Jade: Retrieve fursuit from magic chest.

What is this nonsense about fursuits! You do not own a fursuit. You think ANTHROPOMORPHIC FAUNA are really cute and enchanting and all, but it has never occurred to you to dress as one. Sure, it is fun to imagine what it would be like to run wild with a pack of wolves, or purr and frolic with a litter of kittens, but dressing up as an animal just seems ridiculous. It would still just be a silly girl draped in a raggedy synthetic tufty piece of crap, and seriously who are you trying to kid with that sort of baloney!

Anyway it is not a MAGIC CHEST, it it your GADGET CHEST, which you have adapted for storing a number of USEFUL GIZMOS. It was once your ORACLE'S TRUNK, a gift from your grandfather of course, and still contains many silly FORTUNE TELLING KNICKKNACKS, all of which are completely bogus.

Jade: Open chest.

Among the FORTUNE TELLING KNICKKNACKS are these items: a CRYSTAL BALL plus compulsory VELVET PILLOW, a TAROT DECK, a MAGIC 8 BALL, a MAGIC CUE BALL, and one of your favorite books of all time, PROBLEM SOOTH.

Among the USEFUL GIZMOS are of course your COMPUTER, which you keep inside a FUN LUNCHBOX for easy transport, and a couple of gizmos you keep handy so you don't always have to make the long trip to the kitchen. There is a COOKALIZER for preparing delicious meals, and a REFRIGERATOR, a name which clearly is a wacky variation on the much more common household item, the REFRIGIFYIFICATOR.

Jade: Examine magic 8-ball and magic cue ball.

These things are stupid and useless!

When the MAGIC 8 BALL isn't being frustratingly ambiguous, its forecast is always wrong! You have tested it numerous times with certain facts you know to be true. This is its reply when you ask if it is your friend John's birthday today. See? Stupid!

You guess maybe it could be used as a reverse-prediction device, and always trust the opposite of what it says. But that seems dumb to you. And anyway, the thing gives you a bad vibe. You might consider smashing it, but you are a little superstitious about whatever ominous consequences that might have, even if the occult talisman in question is a cheap piece of garbage.

~~}

The MAGIC CUE BALL on the other hand is said to make predictions with alarming precision and specificity. Unfortunately it lacks a portal on its surface that allows you to view the prediction.

You put both of these pieces of junk back in the box.

Jade: Captchalogue refrigerator.

You take the REFRIGERATOR.

You might as well grab the COOKALIZER too. No portable kitchen is complete without it.

You take your LUNCHTOP too, because obviously you're going to be using that pretty soon.

Whoops, there goes your FLUTE. But who cares.

Jade: Feed your friend.

Before you go out to feed BEC, you will need to prepare a meal for him.

You clear some space on your work table so you can set up your REFRIGERATOR and COOKALIZER.

((She stands on the desk and carelessly kicks a majority of the items on to the floor.))

~~}

Just for fun, Jade allows you to take a stab at matching the cards to use the gizmos. It doesn't present much of a challenge for her, so she figures she might as well step aside, while providing a few generous hints.

No, no... warmer. Warmer. Cooler. Cooler.

COLD.

Warmer...

Yes. NO. Cold. ICE COLD.

Warmer. Warmer...

((Just to clarify, the reader doesn't actually do any of the matching.))

~~}

You have selected the KEY LIME.

Way to go.

Try again.

HOT. Wait...

No. Cold. Really cold. FROZEN FUCKING TUNDRA.

((The lemon cards are matched and removed from the syladex. The lime and lemon excitedly greet each other. Because these fruits are weird. And they have faces. And they seem to be constantly laughing.))

Take another crack at this.

((The orange cards are matched and removed from the syladex as well.))

Congratulations, you advance your matching skill to the new level: YUKON HERO: LEGACY OF THE FROSTBITE AMPUTEE.

Jade is beginning to regret breaking the fourth wall for this ill advised escapade.

Ok, one more time.

((The apple cards are matched and decaptchalogued next.))

If it were known in advance how terrible you were going to be at this matching game, the author may have given second thought to preparing this cool interactive Flash application.

Look at all these fruits on the loose. Good luck trying to settle them down.

~~}

You ((You is back to meaning Jade again.)) just deploy the gadgets yourself.

Jade: Stick fruits in the refrigerator to keep them fresh.

These fruits are unlikely to become less impudent any time soon regardless of where they are stored, but you stick them in anyway.

~~}

You take a look at the REFRIGERATOR'S rotary interface. You wonder what he is in the mood for today?

((There are a variety of options: drinks, chicken, steak, fish, cheese, fruit, veggies, and bread.))

Jade: Press the steak button.

Ok, well it's a rotary dial so there are no buttons to press, but whatever that doesn't really matter.

You dial up a thick T-BONE STEAK, which you are sure Becquerel is in the mood for because he is in the mood for steak every day and is never in the mood for anything else.

But he does like his steak well cooked.

~~}

((Four options are given on how to cook something: thaw, cook, irradiate, and explosion.))

Jade: Lightly irradiate steak.

He does prefer his steak rare after all.

But you will not dignify the thought of turning the knob much further because you are not retarded.

~~}

((The steak is now green. What even.))

You captchalogue the IRRADIATED STEAK and save it for your trip outside.

You probably shouldn't waste much more time. You wouldn't want all those nice depleted steak isotopes to settle down.

Jade: Examine the atomic bass by your bed.

((She picks up a somewhat robotic-looking electric guitar.))

You wouldn't exactly call it an atomic bass, but it is heavily customized to accommodate a high level of musical virtuosity, the perfect instrument for the eclectically spirited.

You've tuned the strings way down of course because your stumpy arms can't reach the low notes.

~~}

You switch your ECLECTIC BASS to its advanced setting.

((Two keyboards, an extra guitar, and what appears to be some sort of mixing board (?) expand from the odd guitar.))

But you promptly switch it back, since obviously it's too complicated to play it in person like this. The default setting is your preferred mode for casual jamming.

And since you can't possibly waste enough time playing music, casually jam is exactly what you're gonna do.

[S] Jade: Play a hauntingly relaxing bassline.

((She very skillfully plays. It's not haunting in any way, though it is quite relaxing. The scene changes to show her greenhouse-like room. Something causes her plants to suddenly grow at a rapid pace. One of her pumpkins disappears with an "-IFY". It goes back to showing Jade playing. It zooms out and reveals that Jade's room is an addition to an extraordinarily tall tower. It zooms out even further to reveal that her house is on the largest island near the frog temple. A plane drops a blue package with a parachute.))


	13. Chapter 13

Jade: Captchalogue bass.

You take the PORTABLE AMP from the WALL SOCKET too.

Jade: Open lunchtop.

You like to make yourself comfy in your plushy pile before getting down to business with your computer.

((She sits in the pile of stuffed animals.))

Jade: Get down to business.

((She opens the lunchtop to reveal a platform with the triangle fractal pattern. A small fire appears, hovering above the platform. The fire is replaced with a green 3D figure. It becomes bigger, then smaller. What is, assumably, a projection of what her computer screen should look like fills the entire room, with Jad calmly sitting in the middle of it.))

Jade: Activate Pesterchum.

((She uses her hand as a mouse. She clicks on pesterchum.))

Hey look, John is online! Hooray!

Also it looks like Dave pestered you about something yesterday but you missed it.

Jade: Pester John.

You greet John but he does not respond. He is undoubtedly gallivanting around his house in a state of barely restrained birthday mirth. He may also be retrieving the two packages and the two envelopes which you are certain came in the mail for him earlier.

You will wait a little while and see if he returns before you head out.

Jade: See if Dave left you a sweet new rap.

It does not appear so, but you just never know with that crazy and cool guy.

Sooooo cooooooool.

~~}

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 2009-04-12 - 23:14

TG: hey  
TG: oh  
TG: youre asleep again arent you  
TG: or do you even know if you are  
TG: i still dont know how that works  
TG: its like nothing means anything  
TG: its so cool getting hella chumped by your coquettish damn riddles all the time  
TG: i dont know why i believe anything you say im like the grand marshal of gross chumpage  
TG: waving around my faggoty chumpductor baton  
TG: assitant director of chumpography  
TG: celebrated author ernest chumpingway  
TG: wait weak  
TG: chumpelstiltskin  
TG: uh  
TG: chumpeldipshit  
TG: yeah  
TG: youre asleep y/n?  
TG: a/s/l?  
TG: s = species  
TG: baboon?  
TG: kangaroo rat?  
TG: if kangaroo rat yiff twice plz  
TG: ok well youre not saying anything so i guess whether youre nonawake or unasleep or whatever youre just not around and im wasting good material  
TG: even worse im wasting a killer fursona here  
TG: like  
TG: i dont know like a wide open v shaped leotard and a fuck ton of body paint  
TG: some like sinewy back arching cirque du soleil looking motherfucker  
TG: always low to the ground gettin a good prowl on  
TG: like i dropped my keys in the dark  
TG: nimblest son of a bitch who had the gumption to glue a nasty pair of latex cat lips to his face  
TG: for a reason that wasnt a joke  
TG: jade hey  
TG: where are you  
TG: seriously im sitting here tonight with a fucking bag of kibble jacked open on my lap and primed for goddamn bear  
TG: and youre gone  
TG: btw my name is Akwete Purrmusk  
TG: hardest buttock in the jungle  
TG: tempered steel  
TG: hey yeah just wanted to give you this remix i finished  
TG: here  
turntechGodhead [TG] sent gardenGnostic [GG] file "explore 3"  
TG: so yeah  
TG: you dont have to respond to any of that btw  
TG: ill probably forget half the shit i said anyway  
TG: talk to you tomorrow

[S] Jade: Open FreshJamz!

((The reader is given the option to listen to all the clips she has.

These are the options: Showtime Remix, Aggrieve Remix, Verdancy (Bassline), Potential Verdancy, Ohgodwhat, Ohgodwhat Remix, Redisvcover Fusion, Crystalanthemums, and (NEW) Explore Remix.

If I'm not mistaken, these are all remixes of songs that were in the background of various clips throughout this comic.))

You open the FRESHJAMZ MEDIA PLAYER and add Dave's remix to the playlist.

Jade: Open Echidna and go to

((A crudely drawn version of John wearing his magic hat is shown. In the picture is also the cake-filled toilet, pogo ride, and some captchalogue cards. The words on this page are:

GT: Boggle vacantly at these shenanigans.

It begins to dawn on you that everything you just did may have been a colossal waste of time.))

You open your web browser and visit MSPA.

You navigate to a random page in the middle of the latest epic.

Looks like he was just finishing up some sort of weird tangential intermission here. Whatever it was, it clearly advanced the plot in no relevant way whatsoever.

END INTERMISSION.

[S] MIDNIGHT CREW: ACT 1031

((The moon is in the shape of a cheshire cat in the dark sky. Under the city, four men are planning something. The four ace cards are set on the table, one in front of each man. Each man picks up the card in front of him. The card promptly transforms into a weapon as they are introduced. They are introduced as Diamonds Droog, Clubs Deuce, Heart Boxcars, and Spades Slick. At a casino, there's a group of guys introduced as the felt. There hats are very reminiscent of pool balls. They fight the men. It's clear that the first group of men is winning. A spade appears opn screen with blood splatters all around. In the spade are the words "Midnight Crew".))

~~}

((The scene with the spade zooms out to reveal it was what Jade was looking at on her lunchtop.))

You've killed a little time, but still no sign of John.

Jade: Pester Dave.

gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 2009-04-13 - 12:36

GG: hi dave!  
TG: hey sup  
GG: not much sup with you!  
GG: bro! hehehe  
TG: haha  
TG: good one  
TG: s'alright being chill i guess you know how it goes  
GG: great! feeling cool today?  
GG: mr cool guy?  
TG: oh man you know it  
GG: sooooo cooooooool!  
TG: you know shit is ice cold up in here  
TG: shit is wicked bananas i am telling you  
GG: :D  
GG: so have you talked to john today?  
TG: yeah we were just talking a while ago about how he sucks at his sylladex  
TG: can you believe he uses stack that kid is ridiculous  
GG: lol  
GG: well that doesnt sound like much fun!  
TG: what was it you use again...  
TG: wait nm  
TG: i forgot whenever we talk about your goofy modusses i get a migrane. what do you want with john  
GG: :)  
GG: i want to tell him happy birthday and ask him about his birthday package!  
TG: oh yeah  
TG: i was being sort of cagey and told him to check the mail cause i was wondering if mine came yet  
GG: i think it did!  
TG: yeah?  
GG: and i think mine came too  
TG: so uh  
TG: i guess you want to know if he likes it or something?  
GG: no!  
GG: he will not open it  
GG: he will lose it!  
TG: oh  
TG: uh  
TG: wow sorry to hear that i guess?  
GG: no its good actually!  
GG: because he will find it again later when he really needs it  
GG: which of course is why i sent it in the first place!  
TG: see like  
TG: i never get how you know these things  
GG: i dont know  
GG: i just know that i know!  
TG: hmm alright  
GG: anyway i have to go!  
GG: i have to feed bec which is always a bit of an undertaking  
TG: man  
TG: if i were you i would just take that fucking devilbeast out behind the woodshed and blow its head off  
GG: heheheh!  
GG: i dont think i could if i tried!  
TG: yeah  
TG: say hi to your grand dad for me too ok  
GG: ._.  
GG: yes i guess an encounter with him is almost certain  
GG: it is usually...  
GG: intense!  
TG: well yeah isnt it always with family  
TG: but he sounds like a total badass  
GG: yeah he totally is!  
GG: anyway gotta go!  
TG: see ya  
GG: 3

[S] Dave: STRIFE.

((Dave appears on the roof, looking bad ass with his sword in hand. A long list of options appears: aggrieve, agress, abjure, abstain, abuse, accuse, assail, and assault. A shadow of Bro Strider appears, cutting this options list in half. This is no normal strife, by any means. Bro steps off screen, then reappears with Lil Cal. Frfom this point onwards, Bro is only shown as a black blur as he flashsteps, moving Lil Cal from one position to another as he makes the puppet strife in his place. "ROUND ONE" "STRIFE" Dave tries flipping in the air, slashing downwards at the puppet twice to no avail. Lil Cal knocks away Dave's sword and kicks him in the face a couple of times, mocking him. Dave gets his sword back. He rolls, sword in hand. This knocks Lil Cal over. Dave goes to slash at Lil Cal, but Bro quickly moves Lil Cal from harms way. Lil Cal appears behind Dave, but Dave flashsteps behind Cal yet again. He slashes at Lil Cal twice, but both times the puppet disappears. Dave is left standing in a defensive position alone. Suddenly, Bro drops Lil Cal on Dave's head. Dave thoroughly freaks the fuck out stabbing upwards in an attempt to dislodge Lil Cal. Bro takes Lil Cal away, leaving Dave frustratedly swiping his sword above him in a sort of panic. Bro finally appears normally for the first time throughout the strife before becoming a shadow yet again. He makes Lil Cal kick Dave in the face hard enough to knock him over. Lil Cal dances on Dave's face. A flash of a close up of Lil Cal's face appears on screeen before going back to show Lil Cal dancing on Dave's face.))

~~}

((The screen abrubtly goes back to Jade on her lunchtop.))

Rose is online.

Jade: Pester Rose.

TT: I require a font of frighteningly accurate yet infuriatingly nonspecific information.  
TT: Do you know where I can find a wellspring of this sort?  
GG: hahaha yes ok but we cant talk for long!  
TT: You have plans?  
GG: well yes i do but its just that you will lose your internet connection soon!  
GG: and we wont talk again for a pretty long time  
GG: not until you enter!  
TT: Enter?  
GG: yeah!  
TT: This is what I was talking about.  
TT: This was the itch that needed scratching.  
TT: My avarice for the inscrutable. It is limitless.  
GG: lol what did you want to know?  
TT: You've been insisting today was the big day.  
TT: We would all play a game you didn't know the name of.  
TT: A game you said I'd get in the mail, and did.  
TT: One that would help me answer some questions.  
TT: But Strider is being obtuse, I can't catch John at his computer, you don't even have the game yourself, and on top of all that, my internet is unstable.  
TT: So are you sure today is the day?  
GG: there sure are a lot of challenges but yes i am sure!  
GG: dave is cool, you know he will come around when the time is right  
GG: he just has a lot of work to do first  
GG: and so do you!  
GG: youll need to keep searching for a stable signal and power source, it will be hard but dont give up!  
GG: and dont worry about me either, focus on playing with john first  
GG: it all starts with you two!  
TT: Is there nothing else you can say to prepare me for this?  
TT: I'm sure you think little of blithely upsetting dark forces with Grandpa Moreau over there on Hellmurder Island, but honestly I've only read a few books on it.  
GG: haha dark? thats ridiculous!  
GG: i dont really know what to tell you other than its not going to be what you think it is  
GG: and most importantly you will have your questions answered, but they will be the ones you havent thought to ask yet!  
GG: just be patient and be brave youll see  
GG: it will be fun!  
GG: uh oh looks like youve got to go  
GG: take care rose! 333

- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 12:54 -

Jade: Be the other girl.

((The screen goes to Rose in her cat's mausoleum.))

You are now the other girl several hours in the future.

It appears a secret passage in the mausoleum has been opened.

It's getting awfully toasty in here. You gather up your belongings, including your dead cat.

Rose: Descend.

((She finds a passageway. At the end is an eerie, green light.))

Jade: Stop being the other girl and pester John again.

You've spent enough time for now concerning yourself with the future of your friends.

John will not be available until later. By then he will have his hands full, as will you.

~~}

You pack up your LUNCHTOP and get ready to take care of some business downstairs.

[S] Jade: Descend.

((Jade looks at her pinky finger where a blue band is.))

Try as you might, you can't stop your mind from drifting to the fate of your friends. You dwell on a particular configuration of REMINDERS on your finger.

((Clicking on a rather large play button in the bottom right corner brings an image of John uselessly "BOING"ing the roof near the ogres with his pogo hammers. "STRIFE" He picks up speed with his "BOING"ing. He jumps into the air to hit the ogre on the right. The ogre easily deflects him using the older version of Sassacre. John bounces off of the left ogre back over to the right ogre. The right ogre slams down on John with Sassacre. The left ogre throws the tire swing, which still has the rope attatched, towards John. The tire wraps around him. The ogre carelessly swing John around. He swings John in circles until the right ogre hits him with Sassacre again. This sends John flying into the air. He lands on a bed with Nannasprite near at hand. Nannasprite refills his hea;lth bar and the process repeats agaion and again into infinity.))

Also in the future...

But years, not hours...

Under bare white branches, a sentry awakens.

((A worm emerges from the apple that fell from the tree WV and PM saw. The worm wiggles its way down to look PM in the eye. The worm smiles when it sees PM's collection of mailboxes. PM looks somewhat confused by its interest. The worm starts to eat the mailboxes. Pm angrily grabs for an intricate, black sword at her hip.))

~~}

==================================================================================  
[Z001] some stuff about captcha codes and punch card alchemy  
==================================================================================

is anyone actually reading any of this? or are they all dead. i don't know if  
anyone besides us is even alive and playing the game or if anybody even really  
cares what we have to say!

rose said i should add some stuff to this faq if anything occurred to me, so i  
guess i'm doing that. i figure at the very least it will be a good reference for  
just us to use. but dave probably won't read any of this because he's sort of this  
whopping stupid horse butt. whatever.

i finally figured out what those weird codes on the back of captchalogue cards are  
for. well maybe not what they're ALWAYS for, but a way that sburb has exploited  
them for an in-game purpose. every captcha'd item stamps the card with a unique  
code, and a gizmo in sburb called the punch designix will punch a unique pattern of  
holes in a card which is derived from that code. the punched card can then be used  
with other gizmos to duplicate the item and/or combine it with another item.

i got to thinking about this and with my amazing hacker skillz i noticed a trend.  
the hole pattern is based on a fairly simple cipher, converting the captcha code to  
binary and then the binary pattern is punched, where 1 is a punched hole, and 0 is  
an unpunched slot.

so, umm... here's the table just to be clear.

0-0, 1-1, 2-2, 3-3, 4-4, 5-5, 6-6, 7-7, 8-8, 9-9

A-10, B-11, C-12, D-13, E-14, F-15, G-16, H-17, I-18, J-19,  
K-20, L-21, M-22, N-23, O-24, P-25, Q-26, R-27, S-28, T-29,  
U-30, V-31, W-32, X-33, Y-34, Z-35

a-36, b-37, c-38, d-39, e-40, f-41, g-42, h-43, i-44, j-45,  
k-46, l-47, m-48, n-49, o-50, p-51, q-52, r-53, s-54, t-55,  
u-56, v-57, w-58, x-59, y-60, z-61

?-62, !-63

there are a couple oddball characters ! and ? at the end to bring it up to 63 (0  
thru 63 = 64 total, i.e. 6 bits). cause the binary representation of the captcha  
code chars are 6 bits each, which have a range of 0-63.

so for instance the captcha code for the hammer is "nZ7Un6BI". look up the index  
for 'n' first, which is 49. The binary of 49 is 110001. keep doing that for all the  
chars and you get:

n=110001 Z=100011 7=000111 U=011110  
n=110001 6=000110 B=001011 I=010010

OK... that's the pattern that will be punched on the card, BUT...

the bits are arranged top to bottom, left to right, in four columns, like this:

1 0 1 0  
1 0 1 0  
0 0 0 1  
0 1 0 0  
0 1 0 1  
1 1 1 1  
1 0 0 0  
0 1 0 1  
0 1 0 0  
0 1 1 0  
1 1 1 1  
1 0 0 0

or punched on a card, like this:

* ASCII art of a punched card (not text, so not included here!)

wow ok that pretty much looks like shit, but you get the idea.

so to combine two items you just overlap two punched cards. only the places where  
both cards have a hole will show through, so it's sort of like a bitwise AND  
operation on both cards. the new pattern gives you the code for the new item.

for instance combining the code for a hammer (nZ7Un6BI) and a pogo ride (DQMmJLeK)  
gives a new code with less holes obviously, which translates to 126GH4G. that hole  
pattern went on to make the pogo hammer, which is so rad you have no idea. i've  
also wondered if you can combine items in other ways, like a bitwise OR. that means  
combining the cards to get MORE holes, not less, i.e. the new pattern has a hole  
for every hole on either card. this pattern would be accomplished by DOUBLE  
PUNCHING A CARD! like, two codes, one card. i've got to try that some time.

but there are some mysterious things about all this. first of all, with all the  
hole slots, there are 48 bits in total, which means there are almost 300 trillion  
possible codes. and 300 trillion sounds huge! but when you consider it is supposed  
to account for ALL CONCEIVABLE ITEMS, including all the wacky combinations of  
stuff, it suddenly doesn't seem that big!

this leads me to believe that not every combination of item has a viable duplicate.  
but this is kinda obvious anyway, since there are many combinations of punch cards  
that will produce either a blank card (with AND) or a totally punched card (with  
OR). so there are lots of dud combinations out there, and many that will just lead  
to the same pattern. like for instance a gun and an atom bomb could make some sort  
of ULTIMATE DEATH RAY, but for that matter a shoe horn and a potted plant could  
lead to exactly the same pattern! so weird.

also it seems like combined items will always have patterns with either much fewer  
holes or much more holes than more "ordinary" items, which will occupy the vast  
meaty middle of all possible patterns. it is strange and counter intuitive that  
more complex objects have simpler patterns but hey, there you have it.

but all this sorta makes me guess this system can be cracked in some way. like if  
you have a complicated item and you want to "extract" simpler item components from  
it, there might be some algorithm for deriving the pattern you want, or at least  
narrowing down the possibilities. there might also be ways of charting through the  
simpler patterns on both ends of the bit spectrum, and pinning down the ones that  
will make cooler stuff. who knows.

i want to ask jade about this because she's really good at this sort of thing  
somehow even though she doesn't have my leet haxxor cred. too bad she makes herself  
so scarce all the time. jade if you ever read this let me know what you think!

* ASCII art of John's slimer/ghost logo (not text, so not included here!)


End file.
